Animal
Excuses
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
A buffalo escaped from the game
reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car
from her house.
A skunk got into the employee's
house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
"My cow bit me."
"I tripped over my dog and
was knocked unconscious."
I totaled my wife's jeep in a
collision with a cow.
I hit my arm against the hopper,
and got flea bites.
This is for the cut on my hand,
but I took the stitches out myself. However, I am filing on account of the
watchdog biting me and on account of a hurt I got in a fall in the paint shop.
"My boyfriend's snake got
loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."
My monkey died.
Church
Bulletins
"Say 'hell' to someone who
doesn't like you."
"Mr. Smith is also a close
relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
"Thursday night - Potluck
supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
"Remember in prayer the many
who are sick of our church and community."
"O come all ye faithful, sin
in exultation."
"After today's service,
coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell
to the pastor."
"Don't let worry kill you --
let the church help."
"For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"The rosebud on the altar
this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and
Mrs. Julius Belzer."
"Children will be led in
sinning and Bible study."
"This afternoon there will
be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends."
"This being Easter Sunday,
we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
"There will be a baked bean
supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
"At the evening service
tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our
choir practice."
"Life groups meet on
Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
"Marriage: An Institution To
Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An
Institution To Endure."
"Bertha Belch, a missionary
from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha
Belch all the way from Africa."
"The Fasting & Prayer
Conference includes meals."
"The sermon this morning:
'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"
"Ladies, don't forget the
rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Don't forget your husbands."
"The peacemaking meeting
scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."
"Miss Charlene Mason sang
"I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation."
"The Rector will preach his
farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into
Joy.'"
"Eight new choir robes are
currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones."
"Scouts are saving aluminum
cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children."
"The church will host an
evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."
"The ladies of the Church
have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon."
"The pastor would appreciate
it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
"Attend and you will hear an
excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
"Please place your donation
in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
"He came down and saved my
soup."
Don't let worry kill you - let
the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who
are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this
morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a
meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be
an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will
meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the
pastor."
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be
a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little
Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will
ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with
"Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the
rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection
will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have
cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement
Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
The Scouts are saving aluminum
cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
Ladies Bible Study will be held
Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if
the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
The pastor will preach his farewell
message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
A songfest was hell at the
Methodist church Wednesday.
The eighth graders will be
presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The
Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm
at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side
entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the
hospital this week for testes.
Please join us as we show our support
for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will
meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be
served for a nominal feel.
The Associate Minister unveiled
the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -
Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We
Have Heard Get High."
Eight new choir robes are
currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any
member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
The outreach committee has
enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any
church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The audience is asked to remain
seated until the end of the recession.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed
Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke
briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
During the absence of our pastor,
we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs
supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be
soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a
Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness,
Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory:
"Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was
all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary
of his birth.
The concert held in Fellowship
Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter,
who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the
church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs.
Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A
MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do
I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace
Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful
voice is sounding"
(During the minister's illness)
GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat
will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages
can be given to church secretary.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from
Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come
tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage
sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled
for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Next Thursday there will be
tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital
and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble
sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter
were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in
their school days.
Attend and you will hear an
excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The cost for attending the
Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning:
"Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: "Searching for
Jesus."
Youth basketball team is back in
action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill
Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I
Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
Please place your donation in the
envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening
of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 pm there will
be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
The senior choir invites any
member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
Join us tonight for prayers,
coffee and fresh beagles
Classified Ads
"Man wanted to work in dynamite
factory. Must be willing to travel."
"2 female Boston Terrier
puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Washing machine: free to
good home."
"No matter what your topcoat
is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Great Dames for sale."
"Lost Cocktail."
"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8
yeards old. Hateful little dog."
"German Shepherd 85 lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
"Free ducks. You
catch."
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub --
$850/offer"
"Amana washer $100. Owned by
clean bachelor who seldom washed."
"Snow blower for sale...only
used on snowy days."
"2 wire mesh butchering
gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
"For sale: Lee Majors (6
Million Dollar Man) - $50"
"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free
Chopsticks"
"Hummels - largest selection
ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
"Georgia peaches, California
grown - 89 cents lb."
"Tired of working for only
$9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -
$9 per hour."
"Vacation Special: have your
home exterminated."
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does
the job in 24 hours."
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome -
Free Sample!"
"Toaster: A gift that every
member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Save regularly in our bank.
You'll never reget it."
"This is the model home for
your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Wanted. Hunting rifle,
suitable for teenagers."
"Wanted: Part-time married
girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
"Christmas tag sale.
Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
"Wanted: Hair-cutter.
Excellent growth potential."
"Wanted: Preparer of food.
Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands
dirty."
"Mother's helper -- peasant
working conditions."
"Buy your new bedroom suite
from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"A superb and inexpensive
restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey
$2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
"Government employer looking
for candidates. Criminal background required."
"His and hers bicycles, $25
each or both for $55."
"For sale: an antique desk
suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Now is your chance to have
your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Wanted: 50 girls for
stripping machine operators in factory."
"We'll move you worldwide
throughout the country."
"We do not tear your
clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
"Tattoos done while you
wait."
"Tired of cleaning yourself?
Let me do it."
"Dog for sale: eats anything
and is fond of children."
"If you think you've seen
everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals
as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
"Sheer stockings. Designed
for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"Stock up and save. Limit:
one."
"For Rent: 6-room hated
apartment."
"Wanted to buy: fishing net,
must have no holes."
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house
close to town. No poets."
"This house has been fully
insulted."
"Man, honest. Will take
anything."
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere
to be cheated? Come here first!"
"Wanted. Man to take care of
cow that does not smoke or drink."
"3-year-old teacher need for
pre-school. Experience preferred."
"Our experienced Mom will
care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Our bikinis are exciting.
They are simply the tops."
"Auto Repair Service. Free
pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Illiterate? Write today for
free help."
"Girl wanted to assist
magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Mixing bowl set designed to
please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Semi-Annual after-Christmas
Sale."
"And now, the
Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience."
"We will oil your sewing
machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."
2 female Boston Terrier puppies,
7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle.
Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive
restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk
suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your
ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping
machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick
fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with
machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of
undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a
German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses
from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let
me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and
is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home
exterminated.
If you think you've seen
everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals
as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking
backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all
in.
The hotel has bowling alleys,
tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the
job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member
of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for
fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a
lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.
Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be
cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade
gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For
rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent
growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow
that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for
pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of
your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They
are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up
and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay
Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free
help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in
cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age
children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable
of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to
please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the
Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine
and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Cover Letters
"Thank you for your
consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of
my resume."
"I saw your ad on the
information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
"Please disregard the
attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
“It's best for employers that I
not work with people."
"Insufficient writing
skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I
will look for another opportunity."
"If this resume doesn't blow
your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."
"My fortune cookie said,
'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in
particular."
"You hold in your hands the
resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"
"I am sicking and
entry-level position."
"Here are my qualifications
for you to overlook."
"I am a quick leaner,
dependable, and motivated."
"I am relatively
intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."
"Note: Keep this resume on
top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."
"I don't usually blow my own
horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."
"I need just enough money to
have pizza every night."
"My compensation should be
at least equal to my age."
"I'm submitting my resume to
spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."
"My primary goal is to be
recognized."
"Below are the top 10
reasons to hire me."
"My salary requirement is
$34 per year."
"I'll need $30K to start,
full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European
sedan."
"I am superior to anyone
else you could hire."
"I vow to fulfill the goals
of the company as long as I live."
"Although I am seeking an
accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may
seem discouraging. However..."
"I realize that my total
lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for
employment."
"I worked here full-time
there."
"I'll starve without a job
but don't feel you have to give me one."
"You are privileged to
receive my resume."
Dating
Users profiles on various dating
sites
Feel free to interact with me.
All my shots are current!
You must be over 5’10” to read
this profile.
I bathe every day!
Is this thing like eBay?
Shopping for Guys – And They Said
There Was No Such Store!
Since light travels faster than
sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?
I'm like poop. The older I get
the easier I am to pick up!
Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some
things are just better rich.
I believe in dragons, good men,
and other fantasy creatures.
Willing to lie about how we met!
How many more frogs do I have to
kiss to find my prince?
Ok, I'm here. Now what's your
other two wishes?
Love is a sweet dream and
marriage is the alarm clock.
Ready for the three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
Girls are like phones. They like
to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be
disconnected.
Willing to share the remote!
Cute?.... Yes!! Sexy?.... Yes!!
Smart?.... Yes!! Rich?.... Well 3 of 4 is a good start!
Boyfriends make good pets. Every
girl should have one.
We make a perfect couple: I've
got the brains and you've got the body
Tired of shopping the Damaged
Goods department.
Want to meet a guy whose IQ is
bigger than his shoe size!
I'm the best singer in my car!
You can't ALL be the one I'm
looking for!
Very sexy... with the right
backlighting.
Looking for a man with a large
bulge in his back right pocket.
(on LavaLife) Only you can save
me from joining eHarmony!
Finding a good man is like
nailing Jello to a tree!
I'll jump on Oprah's couch for
you!
Down to earth Angel seeks wings
New girl on the block needs a
tour guide
Looking to write a new chapter in
my book of life
Take me to the moon. I’m not a
halfway kinda girl
If FUN was a MUST then I must be
the one you’re looking for.
Bright spark looking to ignite
shared paths
Over 280,000 women looking for a
relationship and all I want is one.
If I could arrange the alphabet,
I would put U and I together!
Any good e-males out there?
Just like a new job, I offer
excellent benefits.
Life's a journey, not a
destination...but it would be nice to have a freaking compass once in a while...
No expectations, no
disappointments.
Some people walk in the rain
while other people just get wet.
Communication is more than words.
Strangers are friends waiting to
be made.
Stand in your own space and know
you are there.
Beauty fades, substance doesn’t.
We don't know what we're missing
until it arrives.
To the world you may be one
person, but to one person you may be the world.
and the number one most
philosophical profile subject header....
The worst prison is a closed
heart.
Why is it that a sliced piece of
bread always falls butter side down?
I hope you want a cavity.
World's smallest dog lives here.
Admission: $5
You kidnapped my pig!
Leave me alone, I'm PMSing!
A positive attitude may not solve
all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I'm the neatest, most sweetest,
end product of a fetus.
The voices in my head are scaring
me!
We were all born to die
Ashes to ashes; dust to dust;
Life is short, so party we must.
Good morning, good afternoon, and
if I don’t see you, good night.
There are 10 pins in my
heart....care to go for a strike?
I’ve got a mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
If only a closed mind came with a
closed mouth.
Sherlock aint got nothing on me!
You can’t make me put anything
here.
I never grow older cause I drink
from waterfalls.
Never thought I’d have an admirer
from overseas, but somebody’s sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.
I want Mr. Sensitivity since Mr.
Right doesn’t exist!
Where is my plastic surgeon?
Did you know that 1 in 12 kids
gets their head stuck in a bucket?
I’m the Love Pirate and I'm here
for your booty!
and the number one strangest
profile header we found...
My prince took the wrong turn,
got lost, and was too damn stubborn to ask for directions
I will judge you on how well you
parallel park.
Drinking coffee out of plastic
makes you impotent.
I’d date me if I could!
Whenever I feel blue I start breathing
again.
Do we go on 3 or is it 1, 2, 3,
then go?
Don’t be a mushroom. I hate
mushrooms.
Only boring people get bored.
Bored yet?
If I could rearrange the
alphabet, “I” would be at the top.
Beauty Fades. Dumb is Forever.
I dont suffer from insanity, I
enjoy every minute of it!
Life is like a can of corn...
Fuzzy inside out
Did you buy that at the dollar
store?
Just because you put wheels on my
grandmother, does not make her a bus.
I feel you dancing in my chest!
Looking for the female version of
yourself?
Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet engines.
I could drink a case of you...
and still I'd be on my feet.
I’m candy-coated with a soft
chewy center.
If you make a cow laugh, will
milk come out of its nose?
I never run out of things to say
unless my batteries die.
You like stuff? I like stuff too.
Looks like we have stuff in common!
If we were Scrabble tiles, you’d
be U and I’d be I, making U and I.
By the time you read this you
will have already read this.
Don’t let me fall asleep because
clowns will eat me.
There are three kinds of people.
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Last night I laid down in bed,
looked up at the stars, and thought ‘where the hell is my ceiling’?
If I’ve caught your eye then it’s
probably a marble one
Pick Me! Pick Me!
So, you wanna make out?
Romantic men seem to be extinct.
If you're extinct, contact me now.
Guys who just want sex need not
apply.
Looking for a summer fling.
Really not interested in a guy
who's old enough to be my father.
Just because I don't have a
picture doesn't mean I'm not good looking!
I need a husband!
I vowed to try this for two
weeks. I expire soon!
I am possessive and emotionally
demanding.
I want a date that loves Jesus
and thin crust pizza.
I need a foot massage. You must
like to give them.
I'm cute. Buy me dinner.
Dim Stars
"I resign in Florida."
-- Backstreet Boys member Nick Carter, at age 14. The comment scared the
interviewer and fellow band members into thinking he was leaving the group.
"Smoking kills. If you're
killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields
"I get to go to lots of
overseas places, like Canada." -- Louisiana native Britney Spears, when asked
the best part of being famous.
I think that the film 'Clueless'
was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think
lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness. Alicia
Silverstone
What's Walmart, do they sell like
wall stuff? Paris Hilton
Is this chicken what I have, or
is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says Chicken, by the Sea. Jessica Simpson
I think that gay marriage is
something that should be between a man and a woman. Arnold Schwartzanegger
I get to go overseas places, like
Canada. Britney Spears
I feel my best when I'm happy.
Winona Ryder
Fiction writing is great. You can
make up almost anything.- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
It's nice, it gives you a feeling
of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over
and he'll bring a drill or something.- Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was
is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college
Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah
Carey, pop singer
I don't diet. I just don't eat as
much as I'd like to. Linda Evangelista, Supermodel
The only happy artist is a dead
artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come
back as a paintbrush.- Sylvestor Stallone, Actor
Every minute was more exciting
than the next.- Linda Evans, actress
If it weren't for electricity
we'd all be watching television by candlelight.- George Gobel
So Carol, you're a housewife and
mother. And have you got any children?- Michael Barrymore
Food is an important part of a
balanced diet.- Fran Lebowitz, US writer
I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas.
Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And
that includes me.— Jessica Simpson
I've never really wanted to go to
Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out
there in Africa.— Britney Spears
My only regret in the theater is
that I could never sit out front and watch me. John Barrymore
People hate me because I am a
multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius. Jerry Lewis
Sometimes I'm so sweet even I
can't stand it. Julie Andrews
I've had diseases that lasted
longer than my marriages. Nell Carter
It costs a lot of money to look
this cheap. -Dolly Parton (about herself)
There are only three ages for
women in Hollywood--Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. Goldie
Hawn
Sometimes I feel like an old
hooker. Cher
They shoulda called me Little
Cocaine, I was sniffing so much of the stuff! My nose got big enough to back a
diesel truck in, unload it, and drive it right out again. Little Richard
I was so drunk last night I fell
down and missed the floor. Dean Martin
I don't mind that I'm fat. You
still get the same money. -Marlon Brando, 1989
I have eyes like those of a dead
pig. Marlon Brando
If I could live my life over
again, there is one thing I would change. I would want to be able to eat less.-
Luciano Pavarotti
I guess I look like a rock quarry
that someone has dynamited. Charles Bronson
I have a face like the behind of
an elephant. Charles Laughton
I'm not handsome in the classical
sense. The eyes droop, the mouth is crooked, the teeth aren't straight, the
voice sounds like a mafioso pallbearer.
Sylvester Stallone
I have everything I had twenty
years ago - except now it's all lower. Stripper Gypsy Rose Lee
I'm tired of all this nonsense
about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want- an
adorable pancreas? Jean Kerr
Film producer Samuel Goldwyn
"When I want your opinion,
I'll give it to you."
"Gentlemen, include me
out."
"Keep a stiff upper
chin."
Modern dancing is so
old-fashioned"
"Anything that man says
you've got to take with a dose of salts."
"A verbal agreement isn't
worth the paper it's written on."
"What a wonderful day to
spend Sunday!"
"Anybody who goes to a
psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
Goldwyn walking in a
garden."What's that?" The gardener: "A sundial." Goldwyn:
"What's it for?" The gardener: "It tells time by the sun."
Goldwyn: "My God, what'll they think of next?"
"I can answer you in two
words. Im possible."
"We can get all the Indians
we need at the reservoir."
"He worked his way up from
nothing, that kid. In fact, he was born in an orphan asylum."
"I had this terrible thing
happen at the track. My horse was winning and then his caddy fell off."
"I've been laid up with
intentional flu."
"He treats me like the dirt
under my feet."
"I would be sticking my head
in a moose."
"Somebody should do a
picture about the Russian Secret Police. You know, the GOP."
"The hell with the cost. If
it's a good picture we'll make it."
"Anita, you've got to
cohabit with the director more."
"Didn't you hear me keeping
still?"
(Where did he buy a painting)
"I don't remember. In Paris. Somewhere over there on the Left Wing."
"I don’t think anybody
should write his autobiography until after he’s dead
Eugene Ormandy, conductor
"Congratulations to each and
every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa."
"Thank you for your cooperation
and vice versa."
"Who is sitting in that
empty chair?"
"I told him he'd have a
heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer." (On
the occasion of the death of David Oistrakh.)
"Why do you always insist on
playing while I'm trying to conduct?”
Translated Movie Titles
"This Hit Man Is Not As Cold
As He Thought" -- "The Professional" in Hong Kong.
"Six Stripped Warriors"
-- "The Full Monty" in Hong Kong (the title is a Cantonese
colloquialism; in Mandrin, it translates to "Six Naked Pigs").
"Mysterious Murder In Snowy
Cream" -- "Fargo" in Hong Kong (in Cantonese, "snowy
cream" is pronounced "fah go").
"Bright Sun, Just Like
Me" -- "Good Will Hunting" in Hong Kong.
"Bright Sun In Heavy
Rain" -- "Dead Poets Society" in Hong Kong.
"The Big Liar" --
"Nixon" in Hong Kong.
"Don't Ask Me Who I Am"
-- "The English Patient" in Hong Kong.
"Mr. Cat Poop" --
"As Good As It Gets" in Hong Kong.
English Subtitles In Hong Kong
Films
"I will kill you until you
are dead from it!"
"Take my advice, or I'll
spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse
"Beware! Your bones are
going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul
"Who gave you the nerve to
get killed here?" -- Armour of God
"Quiet or I'll blow your throat
up." -- On the Run
"You daring lousy guy."
-- Satyr Monks
"Beat him out of
recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2
"How can you use my
intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100
"Damn, I'll burn you into a
BBQ chicken!" -- Pedicab Driver
Employee Reviews
"Since my last report, this
employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him
anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."
"Works well when under
constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth,
it seems that this is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his
depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has
delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far
-- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."
"This employee is depriving
a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should not be
allowed to breed."
"This man has the whole six
pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."
"He certainly takes a long
time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but
he is a carrier."
"He's been working with glue
too much."
"He would argue with a
signpost."
"He has a knack for making
strangers immediately."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he
should sell."
"Is apparently very careful
with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear."
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.
"My son is under a doctor's
care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Lisa for
being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
"Dear School: Please ekscuse
John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Gloria from
Jim today. She is administrating."
"Please excuse Roland from
P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his
hip."
"John has been absent
because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
"Carlos was absent yesterday
because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
"Megan could not come to
school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
"Chris will not be in school
cus he has an acre in his side."
"Please excuse Ray Friday
from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Please excuse Tommy for
being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."
"Irving was absent yesterday
because he missed his bust."
"Please excuse Jimmy for
being. It was his father's fault."
"Please excuse Jennifer for
missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and
when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Sally won't be in school a
week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
"My daughter was absent
yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Jason for
being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
"Please excuse Mary for
being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Gloria was absent yesterday
as she was having a gangover."
"Please excuse Burma, she
has been sick and under the doctor."
"Maryann was absent December
11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her
sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must
be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
Facebook Updates
I wish my money would have sex in
my wallet and multiply
Without nipples, breasts would be
pointless
Yesterday I had a headache, got
rid of it while drinking a bottle of wine and today I have even a bigger
headache...Irony
Jesus Mite Of Walked On Water.
But Steven Hawking Runs On Batterys ;]
Nobody is perfect,I am nobody,therefore
I'm a perfect.
When pulled over by the police
and asked if you know why you were pulled over. The correct response is not,
"How long have you been following me?" True story, he let me go, and
laughed.
I got a degree in psychology to
better understand the women I put in therapy.
Woohoo... I still fit in the same
pants from high school, I look like the Incredible Hulk after he changes, but
WOOHHOOO!
Im happy. I wanna jump in a cab
yell at the driver, " LOSE THE COPS AND I'LL GIVE YOU $200, GO, GO,
GO".
the cops pulled me over and tried
to give me a speeding ticket... i told him officer im chasing my dream
I've tried driving without
texting, eating or gettin baked but it was so boring I fell asleep at the
wheel. wow...Thanks, Oprah.
I mustache you a question, but
I'll shave it for later.
I have an oven with a 'stop time'
button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in
case.
Diplomacy is the art of saying
"Nice Doggie.." until you get hold of a rock in your hand...
To wrongs don't make a right, but
two rights make a u-turn.
I've said no to alcohol for years
but it still won't listen.
Some people turn to God. Me? I
turn to vodka. Im still guided by a spirit.
Remember: some days yo are the
pigeon, some days you are the statue.
Susan is going to make her own
brand of beer called Responsibly. I'd get free advertising from competitors -
"Please drink Responsibly".
decided to burn lots of calories
today so I set fire to a fat kid.
Dont you wonder why people look
back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to
talk back/laugh at them.
A guy knocked on my door today
asking for a donation for the local primary school's swimming pool. I went away
and came back with a cup of water... Is that wrong?
Has been sick lately and her
doctor told her to get plenty of fluids and plenty of rest! So now she drinks
till she passes out.
Not every flower can say love,
but roses can. Not very plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every
retard can read... but look at you having a go!
Facebook is like jail, you sit
around waisting your time, changing your statues, and getting poked by people
you dont know.
They call them the
"Homeless" now....when i was a Kid they called them "Hobos"
or "Bums"...........Next Year it will be
"Outdoorsmen"......I think they should call them
"Hygiene-Impaired Professional Squeegee Technicians."
On the Bus today i was sitting
Across from a Really Beautiful Girl and I kept thinking to Myself, "Please
don't get an Erection, Please don't get an Erection"
......................... but She Did.
I was just Washing my Hands in
the Mens' Toilets, when I thought to Myself ....................."I should
Probably be using the Sink."
The only thing I Hate worse than
Holding her Purse ............... is when it Doesn't Match what I'm Wearing.
I can Tolerate Kids a lot better
after some Alcohol .................... seriously, they are Way more Amusing
once you get a Couple Beers in them.
Since it Started Snowing all the
Girlfriend has done is Look through the Window .............. i guess it's Time
I let her Indoors.
I think the Hardest part of
Watching a Woman Change Clothes ............... is trying to Balance yourself
on the Tree Branch with only One Free Hand.
The Chinese government has
released their own verson of Facebook, it's called the Yellow Pages!!
Humans and Dolphins are the Only
Mammals that have Sex for Pleasure ....................... which Explains why i
have been Banned from Sea World.
I just Invented a Machine Gun
that shoots Pennies .................... now She will see that i am not the
Only One Afraid of Change!
Was walking Home with my Blond
Friend last night and i said, "OMG look at that Dog with One Eye" She
immediately put her Hand over her Eye and said, "Where, Where?"....
If you were Stranded on a Desert
Island with only 1 Twilight Movie ............................. how would you
Kill Yourself?
I made a Chicken Salad for Lunch
........................ little Peckerwood didn't even Eat It.
The Most Beautiful things in this
World can not be Seen or Touched ................ at least according to this
Stupid Restraining Order.
Motivation alone is not enough.
If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.
Do you ever just look at Someone
and "Why" is the only Thing you can come Up With?
Those Prudes in the Nudist
Colonies need to take some Notes from the Girls in the Leper Colonies
....................... Over there, EVERYTHING comes off.
Everybody loves Pot Brownies
................... so i bring Crystal Meth Cupcakes and suddenly i'm the
Weirdo?
My Doctor said the signs of an
Allergic reaction are Getting Flushed, Breaking out in a Sweat, Heart starts
beating rapidly and you find it really Hard to Breathe ............ well, so
much for Exercise then.
My computer beat me at chess, but
it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Be nice to the people who smoke.
Every cigarette may be their last.
I am a bomb technician. If you
see me running, try to keep up.
Statistically speaking, around
165% of people exaggerate.
Statistically speaking, 8/6
people have trouble computing fractions.
Why can't chickens cross the road
without their motives being questioned.
Good morning.... I see the
assassins have failed.
If you must be taken for a ride,
it may as well be in a good car.
Used to be schizophrenic. But now
both of us are fine.
I’m everything you're not.
I let the dogs out.
Issha vingtrou blewi thth espaceb
ar.
Would rather check his Facebook,
than face his checkbook.
Just got a grip of reality, and
is choking it to death.
Is not spoiled. Is not, is not is
not!!!!
Is swearing to drunk that he is
not God.
Is making some changes to his
life. Leave a message, and if I don't get back to you later, you're one of the
changes.
Bigamy - One wife too many.
Monogamy - Same thing.
If you try and don't succeed,
cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Why won't you understand me like
my iPhone does?
I woke up on the wrong side of
Facebook this morning.
Why is the newspaper far more
interesting when someone else is reading it?
We can all keep secrets. But the
people we tell are not very good at it.
My girlfriend must have had 61 boyfriends
before me. She calls me her sixty second over.
rejecting your reality and
replacing it with his own.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are,
you will be working for them.
Is experiencing life at the rate
of several wtf's a minute.
My wife said I'm too immature,
and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha ha,
erect.
People living in stone houses,
should not throw glasses.
TEIAM - problem solved.
Never questions authority, he
annoys authority. More effect, less effort.
Progress is made by lazy men
looking for an easier way to do things.
The trouble with suggestions is
that they often come from other people.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and
GIVE IT TO ME NOW.
Today, so far you have failed to
impress me. I am, however, willing to remain open minded.
I always give waiters a tip, but
they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Some days... You just don't have
enough middle fingers... ya know?
..... has a theory that the world
would be a safer place if everyone were forced to take IQ tests and had to
display their results as warnings to the population.
Do not try to live forever. You
will not succeed.
People say that things happen for
a reason. So when I hit you up side the head, remember I had a reason.
….feels like getting some work
done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
….used to play sports. Then she
realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
...Has advice for the day: If you
have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY
FROM CHILDREN
...is CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK
AWARENESS DAY
I resolve to work with neglected
children. (my own).
...is color blind and trying to
solve a Rubik's cube... This could take a while...
Have you ever had a fly or small
bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it
with the cursor?
Do you know what really makes me
smile? Facial muscles.
I hear there is scientific proof
that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
I've always wondered if film
directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have
nightmares.
Top Tip Of The Week: When going
through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with
you?" do not reply "what do you need?"
….is a disaster waiting to happen
Funny Facebook Status Updates
Be nice to the ones who smoke..
every cigarette might be their last.
God created the earth, God
created the woods
God created you too, but yes,
even God makes mistakes!
Do not disturb, I am enough
disturbed as it is....
Only once in a lifetime will you
get someone with whom you will like to spend your time, love to share your
smiles & talk. Until then, manage with your spouse.
There should be a limit on the
number of frogs you have to kiss before you find your prince. Too many frogs
are having fun!
Corporates are really funny...
they keep talking about team work and then seek individual credit in a team.
..... is trying to decide if she
has an attitude problem today, or not.
..... is thinking it's funny how,
when people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called
schizophrenia !!!
I am a bomb technician. If you
see me running, try to keep up.
...... you know you need to get a
life when you've just spent half an hour compulsively rearranging your trees in
Farmville.
Alcohol doesn't solve any
problems, but then again, neither does milk.
...... if at first you don’t
succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.
I used to work in a blanket
factory, but it folded.
If someone throws a stone at you,
throw back a flower, but make sure that the flower is still in the pot.
used to be a werewolf, but I'm
alright nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
One day your prince will come.
Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for
directions.
...... says in about 50 years
from now, tombstones will read 'Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, and
Facebook friend
Dismayed! I don't even know how
to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to
do the rest.
Some people get so upset when you
delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it's not like we're
real friends and hang out everyday.
"...... is proud of himself.
He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years."
".. thinks copy & paste
is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest
invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest…"
"You can have everything in
life u want, if u will just help enough other people get what they want."
".....is a nobody, nobody is
perfect, therefore I’m perfect."
"Men are like parking spots,
the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."
"Insert coin to view my status
message"
"I always try to go the
extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back."
"loves poetry, long walks
and poking dead things with a stick."
"....is OCD and gathering
her thoughts in alphabetical order…"
"I am so ecstatic but why is
it nothing sticking to me?"
"Good friends are like
stars, you don’t always see them, but you know they are always there..."
"Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday"
"........….understands that
hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now. "
"….not for everyone.
Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver
problems. Ask your doctor if he is right for you."
"….master of his
domain."
"is still wondering why they
make flavored shampoo, I've tasted them all and they make my mouth all bubbly.
"
"....is thinking: Nothing is
quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're
interrupting! "
"A male gynecologist is like
an auto mechanic who never owned a car!"
"My words are lyk a china
phone...they have no guarantee!"
".......death is
hereditary(u like it or not)..blame it on the grannies!"
"When I eventually met Mr.
Right I had no idea that his first name was Always! "
"I don’t believe in the easy
way out, but rather the smarter way out… "
"I am so sick of speaking
words that no one seems to understand."
"Sometimes, not remembering
may be better."
"The greatest thing about
Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source."
– George Washington
"Light travels faster than
sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"Don't play stupid with
me... I'm better at it!"
"...... is reading a book
called "The Perfect Man". She found it in the fiction section."
"........is such a thrill
seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster."
"is wondering when people
will learn... The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle,
they're on Facebook!"
"I have got the best
business idea of 2009....i am going to start Facebook rehab centers throughout
country."
"Third person never creates
misunderstanding between two people...but misunderstanding between two people
create space for third person...!!!!"
Fortune Cookies
"Your life should be
recorded for prosperity."
You will find a bushel of
money."
"Your smile will tell you
what makes you feel good."
"You are going to have some
new clothes."
"Your family is young, gifted
and attractive."
"There is a true and sincere
friendship between you both."
"The night life is for
you."
"Face facts with
dignity."
"You are magnetic in your
bearing."
"You are free to invent your
life."
"Good sense is the master of
human life."
"Maybe someday we will live
on the moon!"
"Don't panic."
"If you don't have time to
live your life now, when will you?"
"Ignorance never settles a
question."
"You have an unusual
equipment for success, use it properly."
"Avert misunderstanding by
calm, poise, and balance."
"Simplicity and clarity
should be your theme in dress."
"You have a potential urge
and the ability for accomplishment."
"Do you believe? Endurance
and persistence will be rewarded."
"Good Luck bestows upon you.
You will get what your heart desires."
"Pat yourself on the back
for creating an opportunity."
"It could be better, but
it's good enough."
"You will find a thing. It
may be important."
"The calling that has
sounded will not be the lasting call."
"In youth and beauty, wisdom
is rare."
"This is the year when
ingenuity stands high on the list."
"The best year-round
temperature is a warm heart and a cool head."
"Ssoorrrryy,, dduupplleexx
sswwiittcchh oonn.."
"You will prosper in the
field of wacky inventions."
"Remember to share good
fortune was well as bad with your friends."
"You may be hungry soon;
order a takeout now."
"Buy the red car."
"I cannot talk right now.
Even fortune cookies need to sleep sometime!"
"You and your wife will be
very happy." (received by a single woman)
On one side: "You have an
important new business development shaping up."
"Never kiss an elephant on
the lips."
"Strike iron while
hot."
"No bird soars too high if
he soars with his own wings."
"Real is all a vision. You
have to see it for yourself."
"Food is sex."
"Ignorance never settles a
question."
"You have a potential urge
and the ability for accomplishment."
"A liar is not believed even
though he tell the truth."
"You have an unusual
equipment for success, use it properly."
Gastricly Speaking
(Coupons) May be combined with
other offers. . . . Not valid with any other offer."
"Ham and Cheese - $2.50.
Cheese and Ham - $2.90."
"Our whipped butter is made
with margarine."
"7 ounces of choice sirloin
steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion
rings."
"We dare you Burger for
two. A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French
Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow
American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried
Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your
Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher."
"Open seven days a week.
Closed Sundays."
"Parking for drive-through
customers only."
"We are Handicapped -
Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu
for you."
"Eat Here - Get Gas" --
A sign at a gas station.
"Hot drinks to take out or
sit in."
"You can't beat our
meat!"
"Our Infamous Steaks"
"Now Hiring / Sausage
Biscuits / $1"
Now Hiring/ Two French Dips/ Foe
two dollars
"Is there any meat in the
veggie rolls?"
"Do you get rice with your
fried rice?"
"What's the difference
between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"
"How many pieces are in the
eight piece chicken deal?"
"How much is the $1.99
popcorn chicken?"
"Is the honey mustard sauce
sweet?"
"Is the spicy chicken just
spicy or is it hot and spicy?"
"Does your ice cream contain
dairy products?"
"Don't you guys have them 99
cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.
"I'd like a large Pepsi
pizza”
Guess again
"I think there is a world
market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC
is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the
future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." --
Popular Mechanics, 1949
"I have traveled the length
and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure
you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The
editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
"But what...is it good
for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone
would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman
and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
"640K ought to be enough for
anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban
legend.
"This 'telephone' has too
many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The
device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo,
1876.
"The Americans have need of
the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir
William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.
"The wireless music box has
no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in
particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"While theoretically and
technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an
impossibility." -- Lee DeForest, inventor.
"The concept is interesting
and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be
feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to
found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear
actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be
Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper
on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad
idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies,
not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields'
idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound,
and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the
Beatles, 1962.
"Radio has no future.
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a
hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.
"So we went to Atari and
said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts,
and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want
to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve
Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's
personal computer.
"If I had thought about it,
I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that
said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the
unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"It will be years -- not in
my time -- before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret
Thatcher, 1974.
"I see no good reasons why
the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of
anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.
"With over 50 foreign cars
already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a
big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.
"That Professor Goddard with
his 'chair' in Clark College and the countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution
does not know the relation of action to reaction, and of the need to have
something better than a vacuum against which to react--to say that would be
absurd. Of course, he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high
schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work. The remark was retracted in the July 17, 1969 issue.
"You want to have consistent
and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done.
It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle
development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response
to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing
Nautilus.
"Ours has been the first,
and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." -- Lt.
Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
"Drill for oil? You mean
drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Workers whom
Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what
looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of
Economics, Yale University, 1929.
There is not the slightest
indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the
atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932.
"The bomb will never go off.
I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic
Bomb Project.
"Airplanes are interesting
toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of
Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"There will never be a
bigger plane built." -- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the
247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.
"Everything that can be
invented has been invented." -- Attributed to Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of
germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at
Toulouse, 1872.
"The abdomen, the chest, and
the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane
surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
Last Words
I can’t sleep. J. M. Barrie,
author of Peter Pan
I should never have switched from
Scotch to Martinis. Humphrey Bogart
I am about to — or I am going to
— die: either expression is correct. Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian
Dammit…Don’t you dare ask God to
help me. Joan Crawford to her
housekeeper who began to pray aloud.
I am perplexed. Satan Get
Out Aleister Crowley, famous occultist
Now why did I do that? General William Erskine, after he jumped from
a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.
Hey, fellas! How about this for a
headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’! James French, a convicted
murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to
members of the press who were to witness his execution
Don't let it end like this. Tell them
I said something. Francisco ("Pancho") Villa
I'll be in Hell before you start
breakfast! "Black Jack"
Ketchum, train robber
Now, now, my good man, this is no
time for making enemies. Voltaire, when asked by a priest to renounce Satan
Get these fucking nuns away from
me. Norman Douglas
Don't worry...it's not loaded...
Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the
gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last
thing I'll do! Groucho Marx
Go on, get out! Last words are
for fools who haven't said enough! Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his
last words were
I have a terrific headache.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage
I'd hate to die twice. It's so
boring. Richard Feynman
Drink to me! Pablo Picasso
I have not told half of what I
saw. Marco Polo
Since the day of my birth, my
death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying. Jean Cocteau
Lord help my poor soul Edgar
Allan Poe
Thank God. I'm tired of being the
funniest person in the room. Del Close,
comedian
I have tried so hard to do right.
Grover Cleveland
I don't have the passion anymore,
and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love,
Empathy. Kurt Cobain. Kurt Cobain in his suicide note
It's very beautiful over there.
Thomas Edison
No! I didn't come here to make a
speech. I came here to die. Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if
he had anything to say before he was hanged.
I know you've come to kill me.
Shoot, you are only going to kill a man. Che Guevara
I'm tired of fighting. Harry
Houdini
I see black light. Victor Hugo
“LSD, 100 micrograms I.M.” Aldous
Huxley To his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.
Let me go to the Father's house
Pope John Paul II
I'm bored with it all. Winston
Churchill, before slipping into a coma and dying nine days later.
I know not what tomorrow will
bring. Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet
Jesus, I love you. Jesus, I love
you. Mother Teresa
Don't disturb my circles!
Archimedes
I hope the exit is joyful and
hope never to return. Frida Kahlo
They couldn't hit an elephant at
this distance. General John Sedgwick,
Union Commander in the U.S. Civil War, who was hit by sniper fire a few minutes
after saying it
Dying is easy, comedy is hard.
George Bernard Shaw
I'm losing. Frank Sinatra
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius.
Will you remember to pay the debt? Socrates
My wallpaper and I are fighting a
duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go. Oscar Wilde
"Jakie, is it my birthday or
am I dying?" Lady Nancy Astor, upon seeing all her children assembled at
her bedside in her last illness.
"Nothing but death." Jane
Austin when asked by her sister Cassandra if there was anything she wanted.
"Friends applaud, the comedy
is over." Beethoven
"I want to live because
there are a few things I want to do."
Aneurin Bevan
"I'm going away
tonight." Singer James Brown
"Goodnight." Lord Byron
"Doctor, do you think it
could have been the sausage?" Paul
Claudel
"That was the best ice-cream
soda I ever tasted." Lou Costello
"Goodnight my darlings, I'll
see you tomorrow." Noel Coward
"Goodbye, Everybody!"
Poet Hart Crane, said when he committed suicide by jumping overboard during a
steamship voyage.
"That was a great game of
golf, fellers." Bing Crosby
"My fun days are over."
James Dean, shortly before his fatal car crash.
"I've had a hell of a lot of
fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it." Errol Flynn
"Turn up the lights, I don't
want to go home in the dark." O.
Henry quoting a popular song, 5 June 1910
"Let us pass over the river
and rest under the shade of the trees." Thomas Stonewall Jackson just
before he was accudently shot by his own men.
"Don't worry, it's not
loaded." Terry Alan Kath, founding
member of the rock band Chicago, said to Don Johnson, while pointing a 9-mm
semiautomatic pistol to his own head. The single bullet left in the chamber
killed him instantly.
"I wish I'd drunk more
champagne." Keynes, John Maynard Keynes
"Cool it, brothers..."
Malcolm X, last words before being assassinated in 1965.
"I've got to get to the top
of the hill..." Morgan, John Pierpont Morgan
"So little done, so much to
do." Cecil John Rhodes
"Why yes, a bulletproof
vest!" criminal James Rodger, on
his final request before the firing squad.
"We are the first victims of
American fascism!" Ethel Rosenberg before her execution in 1953
"I feel faint." Adlai
Stevenson before collapsing to his death
"I have just had eighteen
whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record." Dylan Thomas
This is the last of earth! I am
content. John Quincy Adams, US President, d. February 21, 1848
Waiting are they? Waiting are
they? Well--let 'em wait. Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying,
"General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
Am I dying or is this my
birthday? Lady Nancy Astor, when she
woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her
bedside.
Codeine . . . bourbon. Tallulah Bankhead, actress
How were the receipts today at
Madison Square Garden? P. T. Barnum
Is everybody happy? I want
everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy. Ethel Barrymore
Die? I should say not, dear
fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to
him. John Barrymore
Now comes the mystery. Henry Ward Beecher, evangelist, d. March 8,
1887
I'd like to thank my family for
loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.
Johnny Frank Garrett, Sr., executed by injection, Texas.
I'd rather be fishing. Jimmy
Glass, executed in electric chair, Louisiana.
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I
got spaghetti. I want the press to know this. Thomas J. Grasso, executed by
injection, Oklahoma.
It is the duty of every good
officer to obey any orders given him by his commander-in-chief. Actual words of Nathan Hale, American hero
shot by the British as a spy.
I only regret that I have but one
life to lose for my country. The last words of Nathan Hale attributed
Monsieur, I beg your pardon.
Marie Antoinette to the executioner, after she stepped on his foot.
Shoot me in the chest! Benito
Mussolini to his executioners.
Shoot straight you bastards and
don't make a mess of it! Harry Harbord "Breaker" Morant, Australian
poet, to his firing squad.
Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard!
I could hang a dozen men while you're screwing around. Carl Panzram, executed
by hanging Leavenworth, Kansas.
Adios. John Thanos, convict
executed by injection in Maryland.
Reports of my death are greatly
exaggerated. Mark Twain. Cable to the Associated Press on learning that
his obituary had been published.
Great Outdoors
Questions asked of Park Rangers
at The Everglades National Park:
"Are the alligators
real?"
"Are the baby alligators for
sale?"
"Where are the rides?"
"What time does the two
o'clock bus leave?"
Grand Canyon National Park:
"Was this man-made?"
"Do you light it up at
night?"
"I bought tickets for the
elevator to the bottom -- where is it?"
"Is the mule train air
conditioned?"
"So where are the faces of
the presidents?"
"So is that Canada over
there?"
Denali National Park:
"What time to you feed the
bears?"
"What's so wonderful about
Wonder Lake?"
"Can you show me where the
Yeti lives?"
"How often do you mow the
tundra?"
Mesa Verde National Park:
"Did people build this, or
did Indians?"
"Why did they build the
ruins so close to the road?"
"Do you know of any
undiscovered ruins?"
"Why did the Indians decide
to live in Colorado?"
Yellowstone National Park:
"Does Old Faithful erupt at
night?"
"Do you put the animals away
at night?"
"How do you turn it
on?"
"When does the guy who turns
it on get to sleep?"
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
"How much of the cave is
underground?"
"So what's in the unexplored
part of the cave?"
"Does it ever rain in
here?"
"So what is this -- just a
hole in the ground?"
Yosemite National Park:
"Where are the cages for the
animals?"
"What time of year do you
turn on Yosemite Falls?"
"What happened to the other
half of Half Dome?"
"Can I get a picture taken
with the carving of President Clinton?"
Banff National Park:
"Is that food coloring in
the lakes?"
"When did you build the
glaciers?"
"How much for a moose?"
"Where are the igloos?"
"How do the elk know they're
supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"
"At what elevation does an
elk become a moose?"
"Are the bears with collars
tame?"
"Is there anywhere I can see
the bears pose?"
"Is it ok to keep an open
bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?"
"Where can I find Alpine
Flamingos?"
"Where does Alberta end and
Canada begin?"
"How far is Banff from
Canada?"
"What's the best way to see
Canada in a day?"
"When we enter British
Columbia, do we have to convert our money to British pounds?"
"Where can I buy a raccoon
hat? All Canadians own one, don't they?"
"Are there phones in
Banff?"
"So it's eight kilometers
away. Is that in miles?"
"We're on the decibel
system, you know."
"Is that two kilometers by
foot or by car?"
"Did I miss the turnoff for
Canada?"
"Do you have a map of the
State of Jasper?"
"Is this the part of Canada
that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?"
"If I go to British
Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario?"
"Do they search you at the
British Columbia border?"
"Are there birds in
Canada?"
"I saw an animal on the way
to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?"
Glacier National Park:
"When do the deer become
elk?"
“When do the glaciers go
by?"
Isle Royale National Park:
"I just saw the ugliest
horse I've ever seen." -- After seeing a moose.
Sutter's Fort State Historic
Park, Sacramento
"Where are the tracks the
wagon trains ran on?"
Forest Service Feedback
Escalators would help on steep
uphill sections."
"A small deer came into my camp
and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please
call."
"Instead of a permit system
or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth
to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so
people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in
wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase
animals."
"All the mile markers are
missing this year."
"Found a smoldering
cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be
reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches
and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of
these pests."
"Please pave the trails so
they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in
some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to
them."
"The coyotes made too much
noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying
animals."
"Reflectors need to be
placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with
flashlights."
"A McDonald's would be nice
at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do
not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the
mountains."
"Need more signs to keep
area pristine."
Questions Asked of River Guides
Does the river follow the canyon
the whole way down?"
"Since we left camp this
morning, have we gained elevation or lost elevation?"
"Do we end up in the same
place we started?"
"Are we below sea level
here?"
"Can these life jackets get
wet?"
"Is Lake Powell a direct
result of Glen Canyon Dam being placed on the river?"
"How thick are the canyon
walls?"
"If I would have known there
were this many rocks in the Grand Canyon, I would have never come on this
trip."
"Why did the Lake Powell
form on that side of Glen Canyon Dam instead of this side?"
Headlines and news
Actual Headlines
Dead Officer on Force for 18
Years
Dinner Featured Cat, American
Food
All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad
Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery
Chinese Apeman Dated
Woman Kicked by her Husband said
to be Greatly Improved
Former Man Dies in California
MacArthur Flies Back to Front
Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with
Lights
Deer Kill 17,000
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Lucky Man Sees Pals Die
Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains
New Vaccine To Contain Rabies
Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times
Man Struck By Lightning Faces
Battery Charge
President of Company Says, "Stud Tires
Out"
Arson Suspect Held in
Massachusetts Fire
Bridge Held Up By Red Tape
Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash
Probe Told
British Left Waffles on Falklands
Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget,
but More Lies Ahead
New Vaccine May Contain AIDS
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin
Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot
Doctors
Expert Says Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By
Board
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole
in One
Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not
be electrocuted twice for the same Crime
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in
Killing
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless
Funeral Plan
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Police Found Safe Under Blanket
William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
Milk Drinkers are Turning to
Powder
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers
Should Be Belted
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live
on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian
Takes Over
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
Child's Stool Great for Use in
Garden
Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With
Newspaper Editors
The Governor's Pen Is Busy
(without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)
Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with
Ax
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies
Two Sisters Reunite After
Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes From Loved
One
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out
Literacy
Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's
Resolve to do Better
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly
it May Last a While
War Dims Hope for Peace
Smokers are Productive, but Death
Cuts Efficiency
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Local High School Dropouts Cut in
Half
Child's Death Ruins Couple's
Holiday
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She
Hasn't Seen in Years
New Housing for Elderly Not Yet
Dead
Man is Fatally Slain
Shot at the local gun club.
"Slain Doctor Worried About
His Death"
"Youth Hit By Train Is
Rushed To Two Hospitals"
"Ministry Probes Dead
Fish"
“Golfing Immortal Dies Aged
69"
"Flawless Take-Off Marred By
Hitch"
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief
Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal
By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors
Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No
Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Croupiers On Strike--Management:
"No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning
Fails--Fans Protest
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity
to Goose Hunters
Connie Tied, Nude Policeman
Testifies
Women's Movement Called More
Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares
at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Split Rears in Farmers Movement
Child's Stool Great for Use in
Garden
Idaho Group Organizes to Help
Service Widows
Columnist Gets Urologist in
Trouble With His Peers
Russian Virgin Lands Short of Goal
Again
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal
Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting
Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's
Kin
Killer Sentenced to Die for
Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection
From Loved One
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro
Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out
Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's
Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require
Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from
Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Man is Fatally Slain
Something Went Wrong in Jet
Crash, Experts Say
Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings
of Isolation
Flaming Toilet Seat Causes
Evacuation at High School
Defendants Speech Ends in Long
Sentence
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
Police Discover Crack in
Australia
Stiff Opposition Expected to
Casketless Funeral Plan
Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R.
Meeting
William Kelly, 87, was Fed
Secretary
Collegians are Turning to
Vegetables
Scientists to Have Ford's Ear
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live
on Water
Hershey Bars Protest
County Officials to Talk Rubbish
Carter Plans Swell Deficit
Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Safety Experts Say School Bus
Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin
Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins
Parents
Is There a Ring of Debris around
Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian
Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland
Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More
Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps
Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with
Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash
Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One
Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18
Years in Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes Infection
from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Enfields Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces
Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in
Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into
Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in
Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in
Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in
Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off
Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in
Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to
Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into
Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced
by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by
Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot
Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold
at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers
Request Training
Include your Children when Baking
Cookies
Police suspect body in bin may
have been dumped
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred
Infant" Referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"Joint Committee
Investigates Marijuana Use"
"Church Plan Upsets
Brothel"
"The glamorous 17-year-old
wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad.”
"Although as a rider and
breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional
beating."
"The driver involved in this
incident asked that her gender not be revealed."
"There's an overturned tractor-trailer
heading north on Route 93."
"The bodies could not be
identified because they were found face down."
“Doctors say the longer the
babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving
"Today Lesbian forces
invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese."
"Merle Haggard: The
documentary was filmed over three years. Among those interviewed were his two
ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall."
"Due to a typing error, Gov
Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson."
"March 18: Outdoor Adventure
Series: Indoor Rock Climbing"
"As Phil De Glanville said,
each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other."
"The ball is going back,
Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on
the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This
is a terrible day for the Padres!"
Grandmother of eight makes hole
in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in
killing
Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to
casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury
hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to
powder
Safety experts say school bus
passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live
on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around
Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian
takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in
garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with
newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal
again
Organ festival ends in smashing
climax
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at
noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with
ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue
guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one
dies
Two sisters reunite after
eighteen years at checkout counter
Never withhold herpes from loved
one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out
literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's
resolve to do better
If strike isn't settled quickly
it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death
cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's
holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from
dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet
crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling
of isolation
“If only faces could talk”...- Pat Summerall,
Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl
“And now the sequence of events
in no particular order.”- Dan Rather, television news anchor
Insurance Company Reports
The other car collided with mine
without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down but
found it was up when I put my hand through it.
A pedestrian hit me and went
under my car.
The guy was all over the place. I
had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of
the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The accident occured when I was
attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was driving my car out of the
driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same
place it had been struck several times before.
I was on my way to the doctor's
with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an
accident.
As I approached the intersection,
a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared
before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was
approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my
front end.
To avoid hitting the bumper of
the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it
backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of
nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
When I saw I could not avoid a
collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
The pedestrian had no idea which
direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced
old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Coming home, I drove into the
wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The indirect cause of this
accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
"A pedestrian hit me and
went under my car."
"The other car collided with
mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I had been learning to
drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and
found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"Coming home, I drove into
the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was
down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the
accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been
alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea
which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving,
sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40
years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I was taking my canary to
the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I
saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
"I was backing my car out of
the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the
same place where it had been struck several times before."
"The indirect cause of this
accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The accident happened when
the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
"I was thrown from my car as
it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I had been shopping for
plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge
sprung up, obscuring my vision."
"I was on the way to the
doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to
have an accident."
"I was sure the old fellow
would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"I told the police that I was
not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured
skull."
"My wench slipped, losing my
balance, and I hurt my back."
"I was unable to stop in
time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then
left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"To avoid hitting the bumper
of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"The accident occurred when
I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other
vehicle."
"When I could not avoid a
collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"I collided with a
stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a
fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked
as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the
intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had
ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"The telephone pole was
approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my
front end."
"A truck backed though my
windshield and into my wife's face."
"I pulled away from the side
of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
"The guy was all over the
road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out
of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
"My finger hit the band saw,
damaging it."
Interview Notes
"... said he was so
well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's
management was incompetent."
"... stretched out on the
floor to fill out the job application."
. "... brought her large dog
to the interview."
"... chewed bubble gum and constantly
blew bubbles."
"Candidate kept giggling through serious
interview."
"She wore a Walkman and said
she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
"Balding candidate abruptly
excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a
hairpiece."
"Applicant challenged
interviewer to arm wrestle."
"... asked to see interviewer's resume to
see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
"... announced she hadn't
had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the
interviewer's office."
"Without saying a word,
candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview."
"Man wore jogging suit to
interview for position as financial vice president."
"Stated that, if he were
hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed
on his forearm."
"Interrupted to phone his
therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
"... wouldn't get out of the chair until
I would hire him. I had to call the police."
"When I asked him about his hobbies, he
stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
"... had a little pinball
game and challenged me to play with him."
"... bounced up and down on my carpet and
told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a
thick carpet."
"At the end of the
interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a
brush, brushed his hair, and left."
"... pulled out a Polaroid camera and
snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who
interviewed him."
"Candidate asked me if I
would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was
formal."
"Said he wasn't interested
because the position paid too much."
"While I was on a long-distance phone
call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos
only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
"During the interview, an
alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it
off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
"A telephone call came in for the job
applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this:
"Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I
assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He
promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." "I
didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam
to get a higher offer."
"An applicant came in wearing only one
shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the
bus."
"His attache [case] opened when he picked
it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted
makeup and perfume."
"He came to the interview with a moped
and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated
that he would require indoor parking for the moped."
"He took off his right shoe and sock,
removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe.
While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use
the powder four times a day, and this was the time."
"Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment
office needed proof that he was looking for one."
"He whistled when the interviewer was
talking."
"... asked who the lovely
babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he
asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
"... she threw-up on my
desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had
happened."
"Pointing to a black case he
carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go
off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was
going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch
and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
"... asked if I wanted some
cocaine before starting the interview."
When asked if there was anything else he
wanted to tell the interviewer, the applicant said, "Well, ma'am, I ain't
never killed nobody before."
One candidate, when asked if he was ever
convicted of a felony, responded, "No, I was not convicted, I pled
guilty."
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to
an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman,
explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same
time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't
had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the
interviewer's office.
Candidate explained that her
long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished
high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding candidate excused himself
and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he
would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview
to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview
questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and
insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during
interview.
When asked if there was anything else he
wanted to tell the interviewer, the applicant said, "Well, ma'am, I ain't
never killed nobody before."
One candidate, when asked if he
was ever convicted of a felony, responded, "No, I was not convicted, I
pled guilty."
A job applicant challenged the
interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman,
explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same
time.
Candidate fell and broke arm
during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't
had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the
interviewer's office.
Candidate explained that her
long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished
high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding candidate excused himself
and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he
would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview
to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview
questions.
Candidate brought large dog to
interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and
insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during
interview.
Statements made during interviews
"I never get hungry."
"I know who is responsible for most of my
troubles."
"Sometimes I feel like
smashing things."
"My legs are really hairy."
"I think I'm going to throw up."
"Women should not be allowed
to drink in cocktail bars."
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more
interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs
of all the board members?"
"Why do you want
references?"
"Do I have to dress for the
next interview?"
"I know this is off the
subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my
rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Does your health insurance
cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if
I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a
policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company
would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
"I have no difficulty in
starting or holding my bowel movement."
"At times I have the strong
urge to do something harmful or shocking."
"I feel uneasy
indoors."
"I think that Lincoln was
greater than Washington."
"I get excited very
easily."
"Once a week, I usually feel
hot all over."
"I am fascinated by
fire."
"I like tall women."
"Whenever a man is with a
woman he is usually thinking about sex."
"People are always watching
me."
"If I get too much change in
a store, I always give it back."
"Almost everyone is guilty
of bad sexual conduct."
"I must admit that I am a
pretty fair talker."
"If the pay was right, I'd
travel with the carnival."
"I would have been more
successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
Applicant Additional Information:
Let's meet, so you can ooh and
aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head
Honcho in no time.
At the emphatic urging of
colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position.
Have had little luck in finding a
new and challenging position.
I am anxious to spread my wings
in new directions and soar to new heights.
I am writing to you, as I have written to all
Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit
employment.
Lost in translation
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to
steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please
not to read notices.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The
lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will
be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not
enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To
move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more
persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please
leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors
are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m.
daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The
flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are
invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel
across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.
In an Austrian hotel catering to
skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss
restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's
own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop
your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order
your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict
rotation.
Russian newspaper: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
15,000 Russian painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two
years.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the
impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is
suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong
Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave
your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist
agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in
Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Bangkok temple: It is
forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails
for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket
office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel
room: If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:Please do not
feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Rome doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager
has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost
more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
In a Japanese information booklet
about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just
condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
In a brochure of a car rental
firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop
entrance:- English well talking.- Here speeching American.
On a Malaga freeway: Locals for
sale or rent.
In a hotel in Bruges: Bathroom
light operates with motion sensor. Turns off approx. 15 minutes after last
registered motion.
On a Bulgarian web site: You may
visit this webpage, only if you are logged in or it is unavailable.
In an East African newspaper: A
new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in
the bulk of their workers.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist
agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer
Electrolux used the following slogan in an advertising campaign in America:
“Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
The name Coca-Cola in China was
translated by Americans as Ke-kou-ke-la.
which means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending
on the dialect. What the meant to write was ko-kou-ko-le,” which translated
means as “happiness in the mouth.”
In Taiwan, the translation of the
Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will
bring your ancestors back from the dead.”
Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint
pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and
embarrass you.” but translated means “It wont leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant.”
The Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’
good” came out as “eat your fingers off.” in Chinese.
The American slogan for Salem
cigarettes, “Salem - Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into
“When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and
empty.”
General Motors introduced the
Chevy Nova in South America, with out understanding thatin Spanish “no va”
means “it won’t go.”
"It is strictly forbidden on
our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.
"Dirty Water Punishment
Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.
"Coffee and Snakes" --
A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.
"You did not report yourself
by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get
troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when
you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you
will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign
police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.
"Please Use The
Thong's." -- A sign asking customers to serve themselves rolls with the
tongs provided; see a scanned image.
"Beware of being swallowed
by child, due to small parts."
"Avoid disturbing the other
while enjoying this item."
"During cutting, do not put
your head too close."
"There is difference between
up and down."
"Insert G-51 until you hear
'Kar'."
"Please be sure to keep the
vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and
dust."
"Known to cure itching,
colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases."
Rules for climbing Mt. Fuji: A
teffific Gust often overtakes three times consecutively. Keep yourself lying
flat on the siope until it's completely blown over. Danger comes soonest when
it's despised.
In case of Bad weather such as,
storm, fain, snow and a dense fog, avoid climbing futher than the fifth
staition. when the weather breaks Suddely. just give up half-way and Return.
The nearest-to-the-sky location
in Japan is far colder than the feets of the mountain.
Bring garbage back to your home.
"If a tour group contains
more than the number stiputed above, it is different in application. The
particulars will be asked the clerk at the window. A man below 18 years old
should be accompanied by the adults." -- Rules for touring the Kyoto
Imperial Palace in Kyoto, Japan.
Please don't use by children or
person who doesn't read this instruction.
Brake is unable to provide
reliable protection on slopes, thus, aware of the speed and make sure you can
stop when necessary. But don't reduce the speed too fast, you may fall.
You may lose your balance while
tuming, you are batter to get off or decrease your speed before tuming.
"Thankful patronage!
Can Wash (Car wash)
The low temperature is very hot
"Welcome to Chinese
Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional
and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultual." -- Instructions on
a chopsticks wrapper.
"Welcome to Chinese
Restaurant. Please try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks. the traditional
and typical If Chinaes glorious history and culture." -- Instructions on
the wrapper for the same brand of chopsticks, as rewritten months later.
"Welcome to Chinese
Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with chopsticks. the traditional
and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- The same instructions,
rewritten still more months later.
"Welcome to Chinese
Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticke the traditional
and trpical of Chinese glorious history and cultual." -- Another rewrite.
"Hey, you there! Open those
windows. Let the air force come in!" -- Spoken by a teacher for whom
English was a second language.
"With you I feel myself in
kindergarten!" -- Spoken by a Russian teacher of mathematics to a noisy
class.
"Toyota E-com will be come a
main type of car suitable for commutation in metropolis and the suburbs nearly
in the future." -- On a brochure in Japan.
"The story of each riding is
different. Many people cannot help riding again and again." -- On a
brochure for a theme park in Japan.
"Have formality of the first
kabuki play ground. There is the earphone guide who can hear explanation which
enjoying the play." -- On a brochure for Idemitsu Museum in Japan.
"Mt. Kilimanjaro, the
breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you
drink it all in." -- From a brochure.
"Let's fun." -- From a
advertising paper for a local disco in Luxembourg.
"A Great Stage Where Wings
of the World Gather, Flap, and Fly skyward." -- From a guide to the Narita
airport.
"Val d'Isere, a resort
village, expects you in Winter as well as in Summer for spending relaxing and
well-being moments in its comfortable environment." -- From a brochure for
the Val d'Isere ski resort.
"In case of fire, please
read this." -- On a Saudi hotel's fire safety brochure.
"In the close village you
can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away." -- From a tourist
brochure.
"Come to Juan's Jewelry
Shop. We won't screw you too much." -- On cards handed out by a man in
front of a jewelry shop in Mexico.
"A new swimming pool is
rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their
workers." -- From a story in an East African newspaper.
"If you understand English,
press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2." -- From a recording
on an Australian information line, which was set up to answer questions about
the new Goods and Services Tax plan.
"If you need help in
Spanish, please tell an employee 'Ayudar en Espanol' and they will get you help
over the telephone." -- From a sign in an AutoZone shop.
"Lemon Gas" -- The name
of a gas station in Japan.
"Calpis Nude" -- The
name of a kind of soda in Japan.
Signs and Notices
"Because of the impropriety
of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that
the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes
here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry
in Rome.
"Members and non-members
only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel
Emporio.
"Shower of Happiness. Total
Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water)
in Thailand.
"Do not spit here and
there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Commit No Nuisance."
-- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Dresses for
streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.
"Don't get into this."
-- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.
"We are thinking that 'How
to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that
is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo
shop's envelopes for newly developed film.
"Parkinginwrong Places Will
Make you accountal be to Law Apartfrom being atres Passingon the Right of the
Citizenand the state." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.
"Deposit: The owner asks for
a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be
returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign
in a Spanish hotel.
"Warning: Do not leave it in
this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." --
Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.
"SOTP" -- A sign near a
road crossing in Milan.
"Warning! Difficult to swim
out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid
deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label
of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.
"Please leave your values at
the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.
"Let's skiing." -- A
sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.
"Child be a public servant. The best
balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt
for sale in a market in Hong Kong.
"Dah Wong Path." -- A
sign for a park path in Hong Kong.
"Caution Water On Road
During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.
"Refund!" --
"Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign
in an Italian McDonald's.
"Please to bathe inside the
tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Our staffs are always here
waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel
in Tokyo.
"This shop has been moved to
the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique
shop in Tokyo.
"Colorful dining space
surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant
in Tokyo.
Let's wash a hand well before and
after a wash.
Don't wash the person who get's
an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.
Don't wash a diaper which urine
stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to
the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.
Let's bring it back after you
spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.
Please ask a satellite control
person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in
case of emergency.
"Schweppes Toilet
Water." -- "Schweppes Tonic Water," as originally translated
into Italian.
"Manure stick." --
"Mist Stick," a brand of curling iron, in German slang.
"Micro tender rat." --
"Microsoft Mouse," as translated into Italian on the instruction
sheet for a Taiwanese Microsoft-compatible mouse.
"Eat your fingers off."
-- "Finger lickin' good," as originally translated into Chinese.
"Are you lactating?" --
"Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in
Mexico.
"Suffer from diarrhea."
-- "Turn it loose," as originally translated into Spanish for
advertising of Coors.
"Fly naked." --
"Fly in leather," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising
of American Airlines' leather first class seats.
"I saw the potato." --
"I saw the Pope," as translated into Spanish. The slogan was used on
promotional T-Shirts for the Pope's visit to Miami.
"Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux." -- An English slogan used by Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer
Electrolux for an American advertising campaign.
"Be a prostitute." --
The Dr. Pepper advertising slogan "Be a Pepper," as understood in
England, where "pepper" is slang for "prostitute." Wouldn't
you like to be a pepper too?
"Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for." -- From a menu in Switzerland.
"Savour best match of the
mysterious sauces." -- From a menu in Japan.
"Modernly arranged
miscellaneous European Flavors." -- From a menu in Japan.
"Vietnam bird salad, mixed
Chimaki and asian corses." -- From a menu in Japan.
"Seasonal ingredients
specially pre-pared and directly imported from their place of
origination." -- From a menu in Japan.
"Cold shredded children and
sea blubber in spicy sauce." -- From a menu in China.
"Jam and Cheese
Sandwich." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.
"Pastry Chef." -- From
a menu in Costa Rica.
"Waffies." -- From a
menu in Thailand.
"Children soup." --
From a menu in India.
"Deep Fried Fingers of my
Lady." -- From a menu in India.
"Grilled lamp ribs." --
From a menu in Barcelona.
"Vegitational beef
soap." -- From a menu in Brazil.
"'Boys style' little
chickens." -- From a menu in Barcelona.
"Pork with fresh
garbage." -- From a menu in Vietnam.
"Limpid red beet soup with
cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger." -- From a menu in Poland.
"French fried ships."
-- From a menu in Cairo.
"Fried friendship." --
From a menu in Nepal.
"Fried fishermen." --
From a menu in Japan.
"Friend eggs." -- From
a menu in Laos.
"Gordon blue." -- From
a menu in a Korean hotel.
"Cram Chowder." -- From
a Chinese buffet in Canada.
"Rather burnt land
slug." -- On a menu in Thailand.
"Chessburger." -- On a
menu in Poland.
"Turkey meat, salad, and
sos." -- A creative spelling of "sauce" on a menu in Poland.
"Roat poik." -- From a
menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
"Ckicken Velvet and Ckicken
Noddle." -- The soups of the day listing, from a menu in a Chinese
Restaurant in the United States.
"Ha Ha Fortune
Cookies." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
"Sweat from the
trolley." -- From a menu in Europe.
"Salad a firm's own
make." -- From a menu in Poland.
"Dreaded veal cutlet with
potatoes in cream." -- From a menu in China.
"Strawberry crap." --
From a menu in Japan.
"Beef rashers beaten up in
the country people's fashion." -- From a menu in Poland.
"Buttered saucepans and
fried hormones." -- From a menu in Japan.
"Indonesian Nazi Goreng."
-- From a menu in Hong Kong.
"Muscles Of Marines/Lobster
Thermos." -- From a menu in Cairo.
"Toes with butter and
jam." -- From a menu in Bali.
"Teppan Yaki - Before Your
Cooked Right Eyes." -- From a menu in Japan.
"Soon Go Fatt" -- The name
of a Chinese Restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.
"Hamanegs." -- From
many menus in Slovakia.
"Guinea-Pig Breast." --
From a menu in Slovakia.
"Are you finished? No, I'm
Swedish." -- From a "Learn English" tape in Finland.
"I am looking for an realy
educated man who can be joke to himself." -- Excerpt from the personal ad
of a Russian woman.
English-As-A-Second-Language
Placement Test Essay Quotations
"If you seat down and wash
TV all time, you get fat."
"I hate to see people sad or
angry because you only get one life so why waste it on retarted stuff."
"We could talk, eat snakes
and laugh."
"Sometimes television's
programation has bad bad quality of programs."
"I was a prodigy of a
teenage pregnancy."
"In conclusion, television
affects my life by not getting a part-time job in the afternoon."
"In the 18th century, there
weren't many television programs designed for children."
"New Mexico are my best
experience or best times I never had."
"Travel is an activity that
makes me feel another person."
"I felt the happiest woman
on Earth at the time."
"T.V. could be bad too
because you could go more blinder."
"I recently gave birth to a
gorgeous and healthy five-month-old baby girl."
"If not for the cell phones,
we would still not know where we are at."
"Just feeling the cool
breeze going through my face."
"A world without television
is a world without knowing, and without television there would be no famous
people."
"I use my dancing skills at
clubs, churches, and AA gatherings."
"History deeply amuses, from
the Ice Age to the war in Iraq."
"I came to the conclusion
that apart from myself, I don't have any talents."
"On top of her, I have a
pretty big family."
"Anyone can laugh at a good
joke or enjoy watching a friend trip."
"When I'm in my nursing home
and some detestable scoundrel dares to steal my pudding, you know I'll be
willing to throw down."
"Cell phones evolutionated
the industry of communication."
"The calming crash of the
waves against the rocks screamed serenity."
Spam Email: Excuse me for your
busy time.
Managers Reports
Employee blew his nose so hard
that his back went out.
Employee's horses got loose and
were running down the highway.
Employee was hit by a bus while
walking.
Employee's dog swallowed her bus
pass.
Employee was poisoned by his
mother-in-law.
Employee was feeling all the
symptoms of his expecting wife.
Employee called from his cell
phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that nobody
was around to let him out.
Employee broke his leg
snowboarding off his roof while drunk.
Employee's wife said he couldn't
come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
Employee's mother was in jail.
Employee had a bad case of
hiccups.
Employee was sad.
Employee was spit on by a
venomous snake.
Employee had to be there for my
husband's grand jury trial.
Employee had to ship his
grandmother's bones to India.
Employee's bus broke down and was
held up by robbers.
Employee was feeling all the
symptoms of his expecting wife.
Medically Mispoken
"Patient has chest pain if
she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was
better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been
depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but
without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit
69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an
autopsy."
"The patient has no past
history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white
blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical
history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in
the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for
breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She has had no rigors or
shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last
night."
"She is numb from her toes
down."
"While in the ER, she was
examined, X-rated and sent home."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant,
infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and
unresponsive."
"She stated that she had
been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today,
who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a
bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage
children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but
present."
"Patient was seen in
consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I
agree."
"By the time he was
admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his
usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes
rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to
outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"The patient expired on the
floor uneventfully."
The lab test indicated abnormal
lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord
clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried
immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he
is circus sized.
She stated that she had been
constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual
state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Rectal exam revealed a normal
size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
Between you and me, we ought to
be able to get this lady pregnant.
A midsystolic ejaculation murmur
heard over the mitral area.
The patient lives at home with
his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three
times a week.
Both breasts are equal and
reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely
negative except for the right foot.
The patient was to have a bowel
resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled
around the room.
Examination reveals a
well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
She has no rigors or chills but
her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
She can't get pregnant with her husband,
so I will work her up.
Whilst in Casualty she was
examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient states there is a
burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was
better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed
ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI
system, she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to
outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen
his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife,
they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but
without permission.
The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69
year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history
of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor
uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood
cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more
demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical
history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in
the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and
apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden
onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at
home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Patient has chest pains if she
lies on her left side for over a year.
He had a left-toe amputation one
month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
By the time he was admitted, his
rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
The patient is a 79-year-old
widow who no longer lives with her husband.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Many years ago the patient had
frostbite of the right shoe.
The patient left the hospital
feeling much better except for her original complaints.
Emergency Room Patients' Sign-In
Complaints
"Diarear."
"Sore trout."
Police Reports
The following are copies of
written statements submitted to the police on report forms The drivers were instructed
to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own
words.
Coming home, I drove into the
wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.
I pulled away from the side of
the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the
backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a
telephone pole.
I had been driving my car for forty years when
I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere,
struck my vehicle and vanished.
The pedestrian had no idea which
direction to go, so I ran over him.
I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman
as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The guy was all over the road, I
had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of
the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
I was sure the old fellow would
never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
My girlfriend kissed me. I lost
control and woke up in the hospital.
When I saw I could not avoid a
collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
As I approached the intersection,
a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared
before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The indirect cause of this accident was a
little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I collided with a stationary
truck coming the other way.
I told the police that I was not injured, but
on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.
I thought I could squeeze between
two trucks when my car became squashed.
Politically speaking
"Outside of the killings,
[Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
"There are two kinds of
truth. There are real truths, and there are made up truths." -- Marion
Barry, on his arrest for drug use.
"If crime went down 100%, it
would still be fifty times higher than it should be." -- Councilman John
Bowman, commenting on the high crime rate in Washington, D.C.
"[I want to] make sure
everybody who has a job wants a job." -- George Bush, during his first
campaign for the presidency.
"A proof is a proof. What
kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good
proof, it's because it's proven." -- Jean Chretien
"When a great many people
are unable to find work, unemployment results." -- Calvin Coolidge, ex-president,
discussing the United States economic situation in 1931.
"This opens the door on
another chapter of history." -- Walter Cronkite
"President Carter speaks
loudly and carries a fly spotter, a fly swasher -- it's been a long day."
-- Gerald Ford
"If Lincoln was alive today,
he'd roll over in his grave." -- Gerald Ford
"Things are more like they
are now than they have ever been." -- Gerald Ford
"I love sports. Whenever I
can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio." -- Gerald Ford
"That is what has made
America last these past 200 centuries." -- Gerald Ford
"China is a big country,
inhabited by many Chinese." -- Charles de Gaulle, President of France
"A zebra does not change its
spots." -- Al Gore
"The theories -- the ideas
she expressed about equality of results within legislative bodies and with --
by outcome, by decisions made by legislative bodies, ideas related to
proportional voting as a general remedy, not in particular cases where the
circumstances make that a feasible idea..." -- Al Gore
"The best cure for insomnia
is to get a lot of sleep." -- Senator S. I. Hayakawa
"Wherever I have gone in
this country, I have found Americans." -- Alf Landon (in America), during
a speech in his presidential campaign against FDR.
"When your back is against
the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and
fight." -- John Major
"There is a mandate to
impose a voluntary return to traditional values." -- Ronald Reagan
"The streets are safe in
Philadelphia -- it's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank
Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
"During my service in the
United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet."
Al Gore
"Water under the dam."
-- A television news reporter, referring to the Clinton/Gore campaign
fundraising issue.
"Hannibal had real guts. He
rode elephants into Cartilage." President George W. Bush
"These are not my figures
I'm quoting. They're from someone who knows what he's talking about." -- A
congressman, during a debate.
We've got to pause and ask
ourselves: How much clean air do we need?- Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the
Chrysler corporation
"I'm not going to have some
reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."- Hillary
Clinton
I do not like this word
"bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.- Jacques
le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
They have vilified me, they have
crucified me, yes, they have even criticized me. Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago
The police are not here to create
disorder, they're here to preserve disorder. Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago
The police are not here to create
disorder, they're here to preserve disorder. Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago
No man is an Ireland. Richard J.
Daley, Mayor of Chicago
You won't have Nixon to kick
around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference. Richard
Nixon, 1962
Finishing second in the Olympics
gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion. Richard M. Nixon
People say I'm extravagant
because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be
surrounded by garbage? Imelda Marcos,
answering a question on why she owned 1,000 pair of designer shoes
The one thing I do not want to be
called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. Jacqueline Kennedy
Product Warnings
"Do not use if you cannot
see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the
information booklet.
"Caution: The contents of
this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for
dogs.
"For external use
only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can
burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower."
-- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while
sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping
or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
"Do not place this product
into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift
basket.
"Recycled flush water unsafe
for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor,
Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect
any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made
for bicyclists.
"This product not intended
for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in
eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield
in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the
dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a
safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container
for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire,
flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or
leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
"Do not eat toner." --
On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway
use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be
used in bathrooms." -- On a bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." --
On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to
broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn
Rock."
"Caution: Shoots rubber
bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
"Warning: May contain small
parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." --
On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of
children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children
aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in
backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on
eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with
remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying
pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals
only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained
personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of
children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the
mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted
rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal
watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body
cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." --
In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb
inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A
label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by
15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear
plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold
section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are
sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight
control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands.
Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled
drink.
"Theft of this container is
a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Do not use
intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to
cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop."
-- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made
non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant
before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be
irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make
gels.
"Look before driving."
-- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on
body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate
machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use
only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from
7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these
wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a
sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you
have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after
heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside
down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do
not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is
a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human
consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if
swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to
destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that
appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how
strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the
blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by
its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI
computer.
"Warning: May contain
nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a
slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Do not eat if seal is
missing." -- On said seal.
"Remove occupants from the
stroller before folding it."
"Access hole only -- not
intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton,
just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause
drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause
injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after
using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using
this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen
the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a
personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth."
-- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Remove plastic before
eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe."
-- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes
only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on
phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not
underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a
wristwatch.
"Do not wear for sumo
wrestling." -- From a set of washing instructions. See a scanned image.
"Safe for use around
pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
"Do not use house paint on
face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking
for paint at a hardware store.
"Do not drive cars in
ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not
on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing"
at a concert.
"For a limited time
only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were
fresh.
"These rows reserved for
parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
"You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
Resumes
"I have a bachelorette
degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of
my class."
"I worked as a Corporate
Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore
manager."
"Married, eight children.
Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my
skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills:
Thyping."
"Special skills: Experienced
with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
"I can play well with
others."
"I have exhaustive
experience in manufacturing."
"Special skills: I've got a
Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My contributions on product
launches were based on dreams that I had."
"I eat computers for
lunch."
"I have used lots of
software appilcations."
"Objection: To utilize my
skills in sales."
"Experience: Watered,
groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"Reason for leaving last
job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
"Previous experience:
Self-employed -- a fiasco."
"I am a pit bull when it
comes to analysis."
"I am the king of accounts
payable reconciliation."
"Work history: Bum.
Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
"I like slipping and sliding
around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."
"Reason for leaving last
job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate
privately."
"Reason for leaving last
job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."
"My ruthlessness terrorized
the competition and can sometimes offend."
"I love dancing and throwing
parties."
"I am quick at typing, about
25 words per minute."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Skills: Operated Pitney
Bones machine."
"Special Skills: Speak
English."
"Strengths: Ability to meet
deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Education: B.A. in Loberal
Arts."
"Work Experience: Dealing
with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Education: College, August
1880 - May 1984."
"Experience with:
LBM-compatible computers."
"Fortunately because of
stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
"Typing Speed: 756
wpm."
"Objectives: 10-year goal:
Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
"Seek challenges that test
my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
"Personal Qualities:
Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a
year."
"My experience in
horticulture is well-rooted."
"Work History: Performed
brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
"Extensive background in
public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"I perform my job with
effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
"Personal: Married 20 years;
own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."
"My intensity and focus are
at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is
unspeakable."
"Exposure to German for two
years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
"Frequent Lecturer: Largest
Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."
"Interests: I like to
workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new
places."
"Accomplishments: Completed
11 years of high school."
"Excellent memory; strong
math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at
math."
"Personal Goal: To
hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."
Professional Objectives
To acquire a creative development
position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast (2 years)
technical experience.
To find a gig.
My goal is to be a meteorologist.
But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
I demand a salary commiserate with my
extensive experience.
Qualifications
I'm a lean, mean, marketing
machine.
I have a current passport
I am a great team player I am.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0,
computor and spreadsheat progroms.
I flurrish in an environment
where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.
I never take anything for
granite.
I am creative, dependable, and
housebroken.
I am a perfectionist and rarely
if if ever forget details.
I am an onest and ambitious
person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication
with people, seriousity.
I have eight arms and eight legs
with excellent interpersonal skills.
I have unsuccessfully raised a
dog.
I can adapt to just about any
environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.
I'm a rabid typist.
I procrastinate, especially when
the task is unpleasant.
I am loyal to my employer at all
costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I am a quick leaner, dependable
and motivated.
I have become completely
paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
Excellant at people oriented
positi9ons and organizational problem solving.
Minor allergies to house cats and
Mongolian sheep.
Very experienced with out-house
computers.
Spent several years in the United
States Navel Reserve.
1881-1995: Spent my time teaching
and going to school for computer science.
At the age of twelve, I began
hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only
difference was that they became great.
Instrumental in ruining entire
operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Wholly responsible for two (2)
failed financial institutions.
It's best for employers that I
not work with people.
Failed bar exam with relatively
high grades.
Marital status: single.
Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
As indicted, I have over five
years of analyzing investments.
Reasons for Leaving the Last Job
Terminated after saying, "It
would be a blessing to be fired."
Responsibility makes me nervous.
Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite
frequently.
In my last position, got nowhere as part of a
60-person herd.
I did not give the company my
full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my
14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
My last employer insisted that
all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those
conditions.
Was met with a string of broken
promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to
move.
The company made me a scapegoat -
just like my three previous employers.
Maturity leave.
In response to the application
question “What is Your Educational Background?”
While I've never quite gotten a
degree, I am quite close to several.
Completed 11 years of high
school.
College, August 1880-May 1984.
Finished eighth in my high school
graduating class of ten.
Suspected to graduate early next
year.
No education or experience.
Skills and Accomplishments of
prespctive employees
Received a plague for Salesperson
of the Year.
I was proud to win the Gregg
Typting Award.
I have an excellent track record,
although I am not a horse.
Proven ability to track down and
correct erors.
Excellent memory; strong math
aptitude; excellent memory.
I have never had a single blemish
held against me and my IQ is off the charts.
I am quick at typing, about 25
word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.
Outstanding worker; flexible 24
hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
Special Requests made by
prospective employees
Desired Salary: $1.00 Per Year
I'll need $30K to start, full
medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.
Please call me after 5:30 because
I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
I want a boss of average height,
not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to
just about anything given time).
I need just enough money to have
pizza every night.
I prefer informality like wearing
sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer.
I prefer setting my own pace.
When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during
working hours.
Last Position Held Job
Responsibilities
Maintained files and reports, did
data processing, cashed employees' paychecks.
Responsibilities included
checking customers out.
Creator / Writer: ihatemylife.us,
Los Angeles, CA
Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming
success.
Develop and recommend an annual
operating expense fudget.
Dealing with customers' conflicts
that arouse.
While I am open to the initial nature of an
assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets
of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
Run that by me again
I've made a couple of mistakes
I'd like to do over."
I've left a path of destruction
behind me.
Cross my legs and hope to die!"
"He's the cream of the
corn."
"There are too many cooks in
the broth."
"The short answer is 'Yes.'
The long answer is 'No.'"
"Looks like I've spent the
day chasing a wild herring!"
"We are the glue that keeps things
moving."
"You're barking up a dead tree."
"That's not his cup of
cake."
"You don't want to shoot yourself in the
foot because you might want to take a walk later."
"Shut your mouth and eat
your dinner."
"I love being spontaneous. I just need a
little warning."
"We ought to make the pie
higher."
"Golf is a game that is 90% mental and
10% mental."
"Being in a hurry is a complete waste of
time."
"That guy smokes like a fish!"
"You can't pull the sheep
over my eyes!"
"I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't
eat gold or have a flying pony."
"After my C-section, the only thing I was
allowed to drink was liquids."
"All old people should be
shot at birth."
"He's as sharp as a new
penny."
"I know that area of town like the back
of my head."
"She's like the pot calling
the kettle a frying pan."
"She used enough scotch tape
to feed a third world country."
"That really burns my
goat!"
"You shouldn't let people get under your
goat."
"I'm sweating like a bullet."
"It's like six of one and
two dozen of the other."
"I hate to throw cold water
on your bubble."
"I just got my car fixed and it's runnin'
like a dime."
"That really raises the
shackles on my neck."
"I'm optimistic but my
optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter."
"We gotta get our soup and nuts
together."
"I'm trying to contain an
outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!"
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That'll put the monkey in your
court."
"It was time to separate the
wheat from the baby."
"You're only smart on the
outside."
"I guess you're just
AOL."
"If we can't lead them with
a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot."
"Not everything that shines is
baloney."
"You're opening a complete can of
Pandora's worms there."
"Monday morning the fan is
going to hit the roof."
"It sounds like sour milk,
and I don't like the smell of it."
"I don't want to put all my monkeys in
one barrel."
"We've got to dig our way out of this
puppy."
"In the kingdom of the
blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"
"You're a minefield of information."
"Looks like he's thrown a
wrench in the monkey works."
“You don't want to put all your
legs under one blanket.”
"I can't do it in the spur
of a hat."
"That really burns my
craw!"
"A two-prawn approach is necessary."
"He won't last, he's just a flash in the
pants."
"You gotta walk with your
pants on."
"Can I pick your ear?"
"I don't want to shoot
myself in the hip."
"A little pain never hurt anyone."
"Is everyone else in the world a moron,
or is it just me?"
"I can't come in to work because I need
to have an autopsy."
"I don't feel like the sharpest button on
the beach today."
"You have to keep all your
marbles in the same duck."
"We don't want to screw
ourselves in the foot."
"I feel like I'm beating my head against
a dead horse."
"The ball is in his camp now."
"We need to get our ducks in
the fire."
"Whatever rubs your
boat!"
"You know I’m just pulling
your lamb."
"If you fall and break your
leg, don't come running to me!"
"They need to get all their ducks in one
sock."
"We don't want to go barking up a dead
horse."
"We're going to come out of this smelling
like geniuses!"
"The ball is squarely on our
shoulders."
"The best way to learn is from the school
of Fort Knox."
"Make sure you cross your p's and
q's."
"Throw that monkey back over
the fence."
"She really rubs me up the
wrong tree."
"Well, I'm just busier than
a one-armed naked man."
"He had all of his ducks in
one sock."
"I've just got my feet in
too many pies right now."
"This thing is about to grow
legs and take off...."
"Are you going to call the whole kettle
black because of one bad potato?"
"If we do that we'll open up a whole new
wormhole."
"Will everyone stop misundermining
me!"
"I'd like to be a fish on
the wall at that meeting."
"He was slow as Moses."
"I am sick and tired of the
lack of disrespect towards me!"
"My arms were knee-deep in
mud."
"'I see,' said the blind man
to the fly.”
"We need to find a solution,
even if it isn't the right one."
"Hey, don't eat the messenger!"
"It's only when this business comes into
the foreplay that we should be concerned."
"We're going to have to
watch that with a fine-tooth comb."
"..that's what really
separates the wheat from the sheep."
"He's not the brightest brick in the
basket."
"Don't worry; I've got an
ace up my hole."
"He's not the brightest
cookie in the lamp."
"You planted the seed, and I ran with
it."
“I swear on my dog's breakfast!”
"If there was a rainbow at night, how
would you know it was there?"
"Just because he's our
landlord doesn't mean he owns the place."
“All old people should be shot at birth."
"I know that area of town like the back
of my head."
"That's the carrot at the
end of the tunnel."
"Vision is in the eyes of
the beholder."
"Eventually, I want it
now."
"In the last year, you've turned around
150%."
"It was a huge incontinence for me."
"I was already squeezing the
buffalo."
"I think we're on the same page here,
just different parts of the page."
"I think you might have hit
the nail on the button."
"I'm caught between a rock and a wet
spot."
"I was thinking about you in the shower
this morning and I thought of a name for you."
"If you have that, the world is your
walrus."
"It was jumping up and down
like a sieve."
"I've got ears like a hawk."
"This guy's sharp as a cookie."
"I had too many hands in the fire."
"He's between a rock and a
hotplate."
"It depends whether you are drinking from
the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty."
"I don't need a compass to tell me which
way the wind shines!"
"It's like the blind talking to the
blind!"
"She's not the brightest tree in the
forest."
"I need a trash compactor because my
garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway."
"Cut the cake a different
way and go for the lowest hanging fruit."
"Now, I do not want to toot
my own wagon."
"He's not the brightest cookie in the
lamp."
"We'd be biting off a new can of
worms."
"Well, it's no skin off MY teeth!"
"That's just cutting your throat to spite
your face."
"Remember! There is no 'I'
in 'Team Spirit'!"
"If you can't finish the job
on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather."
"'Usually' only counts in
horseshoes."
"I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot
pole."
"Everything has been peaches and
gravy."
"You're getting too clever
for your own boots!"
"Then I figured that something was rotten
in Denver."
"I'll be straight as a doorknob with
you."
"Open your mouth and shut
your ears when I'm talking to you."
"He couldn't find his way
out of a paper bag if it bit him."
"They dropped the apple cart, now it's up
to us to get it back on the tracks."
"We'll be done by the schedule date,
maybe later."
"We are going to have to put all our oars
in the fire for this project."
"That really throws a monkey
at the wrench..."
"She's totally green under
the collar."
"You don't want me down here
breathing down your throats."
"I didn't think it would be
a good idea to rattle the barrel."
"That floor is so clean you could comb
your hair off of it."
"He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay
Mary."
"It's good to get a taste of someone
else's moccasins!"
"This is for your FYI."
"We definitely don't want to
nail ourselves into a corner."
"I'm not the brightest bean in the
hole."
"I want quality, not quantity; but lots
of it."
"Don't look for a gift in the horse's
mouth."
"I'm doing this just to break up the
mahogany."
"We need to iron out our
bread and butter."
"I think we should go for
the whole ball of wood."
"Each of you pitched a home
run today!"
"I usually dealt with him
using felt-tipped gloves."
"It's an exercise in fertility."
"Hindsight is 50-50."
"You are never going to fail
unless you try."
"We're scraping the bottom of the
iceberg."
"Today is like the day Rome was built in.
We can't afford to have any fiddlers."
"He might be barking at a red
herring."
"He was smoking like a fish."
"He's as deaf as a
bat."
"We don't want to stick our
necks out and get our asses chopped off."
"I didn't have two dimes to
pee on."
"I gave him a real
mouthful."
"I really took the bull by the
hands."
"He doesn't know his hole
from an ass in the ground."
"I can't remember but it's
right on the tip of my head!"
"You can lead a pig to
pearls..."
"Thanksgiving is early this
year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday."
"The skeleton is there. You
just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree."
"He would give you the shoes off his
back."
"That question was so easy I could have
answered it blindfolded."
"We're going to clean the competition's
lunch."
"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat
it."
"I want 24 x 7 availability,
5 days a week."
"The phone was ringing off
its hinges."
"I didn't want to stir the
apple cart."
"It was so quiet you could
hear a needle drop in a haystack."
"I don't put my chickens
before the horse."
"It was time to get the
train out of the harbor."
"I didn't have many bullets
left in the tank."
"I was shooting at
straws."
"I was running on exhaustion fumes."
"I was looking for a seed that would get
it over the hump."
"I didn't want to sit in the
hotbox with my fingers in my ears."
"It's water under the dam now."
"I put the ball in the other shoe."
"That took the steam out of my
sails."
"No point in making a
molehill out of an elephant!"
"You can try, but it's like
waiting for toast to boil."
"Can you tell me when my
past due amount is due?"
"Eventually the penny will
come home to roost."
"You are the wind beneath my
cheeks."
"Water over the bridge."
"We'll burn that bridge when
we get to it."
"Your heart is the lifeblood
of your body."
"Let's nip this in the butt."
Let's nibble this in the
butt."
"Don't eat with your mouth
full!"
"I'm not going to let this
guy shine on my parade."
"He's disgusting. He smokes
like a fish!"
"We're killing two birds for
the price of one."
"If it had legs it would have
bit you."
"You'll know it like the
back of your head."
"You can barely see your
face in front of your hand!"
"That's the way the crumble
cookies."
"I don't want to sound like
a dead horse."
"Let's take a wild stab in
the back."
"Well, you know what they
say: Second only counts in horseshoes."
"She's not the sharpest
apple on the tree."
"He eats like a fish."
"Around here, it's always
feast or phantom
"If you could get it working
I'd be internally grateful."
"This is the piece of the
puzzle that allows you to paint in the rest of the pie."
"It is kisstomary to cuss
the bride." Dr. William Archibald
"From now on, I'm watching
everything you do with a fine tooth comb."
"A reminder to all (Female
students) that you are not to wear t-shirt tank tops on campus. If you do so,
you will be asked to remove them."
"1. Resolved, by this
council, that we build a new jail. 2. Resolved, that the new jail be built out
of the materials of the old jail. 3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until
the new jail is finished." -- Board of Councilmen, Mississippi, mid-1800s
Signs and Advertisements
"Great New Taste!" and
"Same Great Taste!" -- On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a
grocery store.
"Ears pierced while you
wait." -- A sign in a shop.
"Free Parking ($1.50 per
day)"
"If you can't read or write,
phone this number."
"We are sorry, but these
toilets are out of action. Please use
floor." -- A sign on a shopping center's restroom door, indicating
that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the
nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.
"Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00.
Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.
"Welcome to the Flippin
Church of Christ." -- A sign outside a church in Flippin, Arkansas.
"Caution! Water on road
during rain." -- A road sign.
Sports Talk
"I might just fade into
Bolivian, you know what I mean?" Mike Tyson
"I've never had major knee
surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennet, former
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"There's a hard shot to
LeMaster -- and he throws Madlock into the dugout." -- Jerry Coleman,
Padres announcer
"The wind always seems to
blow against catchers when they are running." -- Joe Garagiola
"Wish: To end all the
killing in the world. Hobbies: Hunting and fishing." -- California Angel
Bryan Harvey (flashed on a scoreboard during a game).
"Me and George
(Steinbrenner) and Billy (Martin. ) are two of a kind." -- Micky Rivers,
Texas Rangers outfielder
"If you can't make the putts
and can't get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you're not
going to win enough football games in this league, and that's the problem we
had today." -- Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team
lost.
"A lot is said about
defense, but at the end of the game, the team with the most points wins, the
other team loses." -- Isaiah Thomas, commentating on an NBA game.
"It just as easily could have
gone the other way." -- Don Zimmer, Chicago Cubs manager, on his team's
4-4 record.
You guys, line up alphabetically
by height.- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.- Greg Norman, Golfer
These people haven't seen the
last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up. Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player
Predictions are difficult.
Especially about the future.- Yogi Berra, Baseball player
My sister's expecting a baby, and
I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball
player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.
The doctors X-rayed my head and
found nothing.- Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head
by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
I was in a no-win situation, so
I'm glad that I won rather than lost.- Frank Bruno, Boxer
The word 'genius' isn't
applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.- Joe Theisman,
quarterback and sports analyst
Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.-
Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.
I may be dumb, but I'm not
stupid. Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer
We're going to turn this team
around 360 degrees.- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Pitching is 80% of the game. The
other half is hitting and fielding.- Mickey Rivers, baseball player
He's a guy who gets up at six
o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.- Lou Duva, veteran boxing
trainer
If only faces could talk...- Pat
Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl
My family was so poor the lady
next door gave birth to me. Lee Trevino
You can't stay married in a
situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your
throat. Mike Tyson
Sports announcer John Madden
"Hey, the offensive linemen
are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and
that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field."
"If the quarterback throws
the ball in the endzone and the wide receiver catches it, it's a
touchdown."
"In order for this team to
win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball."
"He would have scored a
touchdown if he hadn't been tackled right there."
"Here's a guy who can use
his arms and legs at the same time."
"To get more yards, it's
best to move the ball from the line of scrimmage down the field."
"Usually the team with the
most points wins the game!"
"Whenever you talk about a
Mike Shanahan offence, you're always going to be talking about his
offence."
"Here's a guy who when he
runs, he moves faster."
"When you have great
players, playing great, well that's great football!"
"Real frontier-busting math
explores new worlds . . . . If you can communicate that experience, somewhere
between math and uncertainty, life experience provides the balance."
"If you lose your best
cornerback and punter, I'd say that's a double loss."
"When your arm gets hit, the
ball is not going to go where you want
it to."
"Well, when you're playing
good football, it's good football and if you don't have good football, then
you're not really playing good football."
"The defense should be
expecting a run or a pass here."
"They'll score if they can
just get into the endzone."
"You can't win a game if you
don't score any points."
"I always used to tell my
players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you
lose."
"See, well ya see, the thing
is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his
hands."
"He might want to watch
where he lands when tackling that guy, because he could really hurt his hand if
it gets stepped on."
"Playing in this nice
weather really makes me remember all the times I got stung by a bee."
"The best feeling is
watching a real football game, because the games they show in the movies aren't
real."
"There definitely needs to
be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just
in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa."
Yogi Berra Quotes
This is like deja vu all over
again."
"You can observe a lot just
by watching."
"He must have made that
before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
"I want to thank you for
making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis
in 1947.
"I'd find the fellow who
lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would
do if he found a million dollars.
"Think! How the hell are you
gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"You've got to be very
careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might got get
there."
"I knew I was going to take
the wrong train, so I left early."
"If you don't know where you
are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
"If you can't imitate him,
don't copy him."
"You better cut the pizza in
four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Baseball is 90% mental --
the other half is physical."
"It was impossible to get a
conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump.
I just ain't hitting."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime
today."
"Nobody goes there anymore;
it's too crowded."
"It gets late early out
there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the
stadium.
"Glen Cove." --
Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked,
"Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball
in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you
buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
"Do you mean now?" --
When asked for the time.
"I take a two hour nap, from
one o'clock to four."
"When you come to a fork in
the road, take it."
"You give 100 percent in the
first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give
what's left."
"90% of the putts that are
short don't go in."
"I made a wrong
mistake."
"Texas has a lot of electrical
votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that
Texas was important to the election.
"Thanks, you don't look so
hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
"I always thought that
record would stand until it was broken."
"Yeah, but we're making
great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
"If the fans don't come out
to the ball park, you can't stop them."
"Why buy good luggage? You
only use it when you travel."
"It's never happened in the World
Series competition, and it still hasn't."
"How long have you known me,
Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a
check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
"I'd say he's done more than
that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded
expectations for the current season.
"The other teams could make
trouble for us if they win."
"He can run anytime he
wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky
Henderson.
"I never blame myself when
I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After
all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at
myself?"
"It ain't the heat; it's the
humility."
"The towels were so thick
there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"You should always go to
other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
"I didn't really say
everything I said."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime
anymore."
"You can observe a lot by
watching."
"Ninety percent of the game
is half mental."
"I wanna thank everybody
here for making this night unnecessary."
Work Excuses
"I'm too fat to get into my
work pants."
"I accidentally flushed my
keys down the toilet."
"I had to help deliver a
baby on my way to work."
"I cut my fingernails too
short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."
One of the walls in the
employee's home fell off the night before.
My wheelchair broke down.
"God didn't wake me."
"It's way too cold outside
to leave the house."
"It's way too nice outside
to be in the office."
"I had race tickets for
Sunday's race, which was rained out, so they are running it today."
"My house lock jammed, and
I'm locked in."
I forgot to come back to work
after lunch.
I couldn't find my shoes.
I hurt myself bowling.
A hit man was looking for me.
"The ghosts in my house kept
me up all night."
My curlers burned my hair and I
had to go to the hairdresser.
I eloped.
"I accidentally drove
through the automatic garage door before it opened."
My brain went to sleep and I
couldn't wake it up.
"I was watching a guy fixing
a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself."
"I was walking my dog and
slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."
I had to be there for my
husband's grand jury trial.
I forgot what day of the week it
was.
"I forgot I was getting
married today."
Someone slipped drugs in my drink
last night.
A tree fell on my car.
"I'm too drunk to drive to
work."
"My son accidentally fell
asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it
out."
My head injuries have created a
permanent increase in libido which has led to two affairs and has ruined my
marriage.
I got my right hand first finger
in the saw while helping Mike and staying out of his way.
My finger bled and it affected my
mind.
I chipped my tooth on a cookie
while visiting a customer.
While on duty, I was hit in the
face by a hand. My glasses were broke and something hit my eye. No one believes
I was hit but it hurt!
Hot grease splashed on me and
fried my thumb.
I was working on my job and got a
pain at the end of the week.
Accident unnecessarily occurred
on account of a misjudgment.
I ran down the steps and when I
got to the end, my feet wouldn't stop.
I had my hand in the machine
while the air was off. Someone turned on switches and folded my hand.
I was assaulted and attacked by a
vicious employee because he didn't like me and I know it.
The patient was going to fall for
me. I could not let this happen. In so preventing this, I caused myself damage
to my knee.
In performing the job of which I
am capable, I didn't know the machine was on and was showing my new helper what
not to do and did.
I was proving that I could carry
an air compressor and I strained my back.
I looked into the hose to see why
the water did not come out. It came.
I sprained my ankle the same way
I sprained my ankle before.
That night I done something I
shouldn't-a done and now my back hurts.
A gate hit my foot while my back
was turned, closing the other side.
Customer thought she needed the
brakes adjusted. She drove the car into the station, could not stop the car,
came through the door and pinned claimant against the cash register.
I was removing a blouse for a
customer and which time I injured my back.
I inherited this occupational disease.
Acting on behalf of my employer,
I hit another automobile.
In order to avoid a person, Betty
lost her balance and fell down. In one hand she had a ketchup botttle which
broke on impact, cutting her hand. In the other hand she had her thumb.
I overasserted myself and got a
hernia.
The doctor gave me a disease for
my occupation and said I must change jobs.
Gears smashed thumb while holding
air cleaner, while putting nipple on with right hand, while balancing air
cleaner with left hand, while holding end with left hand away from right hand.
Gears were not covered.
I didn't know water was where I
fell.
I fell down in the Fotomat booth
while dislocating my knee.
Sustained back injury due to car
accident which is part of his job.
Falling off the truck, I
dislocated my pelvis and other male organs.
I slipped and fell and hurt
everything in me.
I dropped my head on my foot when
someone pushed their guts across the table without calling out (from a
slaughterhouse employee).
The fumes were so bad I was taken
by them and went to bed with the doctor.
The guy I work with went ape
s**t. He hauled off and punched me in the jaw and then tried to rip my throat
out.
Carrying roll roofing, I caught
my toe on a piece of tin that was froze in the ground. The tin flipped against
me causing me to trip, letting the roofing fall into the bucket of tar.
Tar splashed out, burning my arm,
and causing me to jump back into the ladder which fell against me, knocking me
into the building, breaking my tooth. Thus I burned, bumped, and broke me.
