We need so much more of this...........................

Fostering Independence helping students lacking parental support

By Maria Lindsay

BATH — A Bath woman grateful for her lot in life is working to help those who are not so lucky.

Cecilia O’Donnell, a mother of five, said she learned of a need to help youth emancipating from foster care by a friend who volunteers for RAHAB Ministries, located in Fairlawn.

“That put a spark in my head,” she said. “I remember that while I was in high school, a friend of mine was kicked out of her home in the middle of her senior year by her biological mother. I can’t imagine being only 18 and on your own.”

As a result, in February 2017 she started Fostering Independence Inc., a nonprofit volunteer organization that provides resources, mentoring and support to at-risk, emancipated youth transitioning from foster care and to those that lack parental support who are pursuing life goals through higher education or job skills training. O’Donnell said SCORE officials helped her get a 501(c)(3) designation for the organization and she now serves as its executive director.

“There is a huge need in Summit County for kids aging out of foster care,” said O’Donnell. “Summit County Children Services has done a great job, but they need help to help these kids.”

O’Donnell said in Summit County, 29 foster children aged out in July and about five more aged out since then. She added shortly after the organization was formed, she quickly expanded its scope to include those a little younger than age 18 and young adults who do not have parental support.

“There are also 250 homeless students who lack parental support for various reasons in Akron Public Schools as identified through Project RISE,” said O’Donnell. “They live in homeless shelters or are couch surfing. These kids are so vulnerable to the piranhas out there and especially to sex trafficking.”

O’Donnell stated the students need material things in addition to mentoring that will help them get through their senior year at high school.

According to O’Donnell, the organization helps these students by offering household and kitchen items, hygiene products, cleaning supplies, new bedding and towels and more. This year, the organization received a grant from WITAN to help fulfill the needs of various requests. It also helped 13 high school graduates by giving them college supplies.

O’Donnell added she works with Maria Paparella, of Chair-ity, which supplies beds and other furniture items to the students, as well as caseworkers at Summit County Children Services, the court system and Project RISE, to identify those in need.

“I really love kids and I love teenagers — they have such great ideas and they are so optimistic,” said O’Donnell. “I am too fortunate and too blessed not to reach out and help these kids. They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves — they just need opportunities through mentorship.”

O’Donnell said she would like to add mentoring to the organization’s services and reach students at a younger age and is in need of volunteers to accomplish this goal.

The organization accepts new or very gently used household items such as dishes, flatware, cups, glasses, pots and pans, cooking utensils, toasters, microwave ovens, kitchen towels, cleaning supplies, bedding, bath towels, first aid kits, flashlights, dorm supplies and more. The items can be dropped off at Today’s Bride, located at 1930 N. Cleveland-Massillon Road.

A wish list of needed items can be found at www.fosteringindependence.net or the organization’s Facebook page.

Area residents, schools, churches and youth groups can also host a collection drive or organize fundraisers to support the purchase of items from the wish list, she said.

O’Donnell stated Dr. Thomas Semans, a dentist located at 2660 W. Market St., Suite 200, held a collection drive in May for the organization, raised over $1,650 and accepted a number of items. The business has offered to do this annually, she added.

In addition, the organization’s Sept. 28 Ante Up for the Kids Casino Night fundraiser drew over 60 supporters and surpassed its fundraising goal of $8,000 to collect $12,700.

“We are overwhelmed by the support that we received to provide supplies for the young adults’ apartments and dorm needs,” said O’Donnell.

The organization is also seeking volunteers to make deliveries, mentor youth and assist with bookkeeping. Also needed is someone to serve on the organization’s board. To volunteer, email fosteringindependencevolunteer@gmail.com.

I put these lists together, enjoy!

  

Animal Excuses

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.

A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.

"My cow bit me."

"I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious."

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

I hit my arm against the hopper, and got flea bites.

This is for the cut on my hand, but I took the stitches out myself. However, I am filing on account of the watchdog biting me and on account of a hurt I got in a fall in the paint shop.

"My boyfriend's snake got loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."

My monkey died.

Church Bulletins

"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."

"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."

"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."

"After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."

"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."

"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."

"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."

"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."

"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."

"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."

"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."

"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."

"Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."

"He came down and saved my soup."

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett

Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

(During the minister's illness) GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles

Classified Ads

"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

"Washing machine: free to good home."

"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

"Great Dames for sale."

"Lost Cocktail."

"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

"Free ducks. You catch."

"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

"Tattoos done while you wait."

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

"This house has been fully insulted."

"Man, honest. Will take anything."

"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

"Illiterate? Write today for free help."

"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Cover Letters

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."

“It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."

"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

"You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"

"I am sicking and entry-level position."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

"I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."

"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."

"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

"I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."

"My primary goal is to be recognized."

"Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."

"I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

"I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

"Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."

"I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

"I worked here full-time there."

"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."

"You are privileged to receive my resume."

Dating

Users profiles on various dating sites

Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!

You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.

I bathe every day!

Is this thing like eBay?

Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?

I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!

Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

Willing to lie about how we met!

How many more frogs do I have to kiss to find my prince?

Ok, I'm here. Now what's your other two wishes?

Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

Ready for the three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

Girls are like phones. They like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.

Willing to share the remote!

Cute?.... Yes!! Sexy?.... Yes!! Smart?.... Yes!! Rich?.... Well 3 of 4 is a good start!

Boyfriends make good pets. Every girl should have one.

We make a perfect couple: I've got the brains and you've got the body

Tired of shopping the Damaged Goods department.

Want to meet a guy whose IQ is bigger than his shoe size!

I'm the best singer in my car!

You can't ALL be the one I'm looking for!

Very sexy... with the right backlighting.

Looking for a man with a large bulge in his back right pocket.

(on LavaLife) Only you can save me from joining eHarmony!

Finding a good man is like nailing Jello to a tree!

I'll jump on Oprah's couch for you!

Down to earth Angel seeks wings

New girl on the block needs a tour guide

Looking to write a new chapter in my book of life

Take me to the moon. I’m not a halfway kinda girl

If FUN was a MUST then I must be the one you’re looking for.

Bright spark looking to ignite shared paths

Over 280,000 women looking for a relationship and all I want is one.

If I could arrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together!

Any good e-males out there?

Just like a new job, I offer excellent benefits.

Life's a journey, not a destination...but it would be nice to have a freaking compass once in a while...

No expectations, no disappointments.

Some people walk in the rain while other people just get wet.

Communication is more than words.

Strangers are friends waiting to be made.

Stand in your own space and know you are there.

Beauty fades, substance doesn’t.

We don't know what we're missing until it arrives.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

and the number one most philosophical profile subject header....

The worst prison is a closed heart.

Why is it that a sliced piece of bread always falls butter side down?

I hope you want a cavity.

World's smallest dog lives here. Admission: $5

You kidnapped my pig!

Leave me alone, I'm PMSing!

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

I'm the neatest, most sweetest, end product of a fetus.

The voices in my head are scaring me!

We were all born to die

Ashes to ashes; dust to dust; Life is short, so party we must.

Good morning, good afternoon, and if I don’t see you, good night.

There are 10 pins in my heart....care to go for a strike?

I’ve got a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

If only a closed mind came with a closed mouth.

Sherlock aint got nothing on me!

You can’t make me put anything here.

I never grow older cause I drink from waterfalls.

Never thought I’d have an admirer from overseas, but somebody’s sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.

I want Mr. Sensitivity since Mr. Right doesn’t exist!

Where is my plastic surgeon?

Did you know that 1 in 12 kids gets their head stuck in a bucket?

I’m the Love Pirate and I'm here for your booty!

and the number one strangest profile header we found...

My prince took the wrong turn, got lost, and was too damn stubborn to ask for directions

I will judge you on how well you parallel park.

Drinking coffee out of plastic makes you impotent.

I’d date me if I could!

Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.

Do we go on 3 or is it 1, 2, 3, then go?

Don’t be a mushroom. I hate mushrooms.

Only boring people get bored. Bored yet?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, “I” would be at the top.

Beauty Fades. Dumb is Forever.

I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Life is like a can of corn...

Fuzzy inside out

Did you buy that at the dollar store?

Just because you put wheels on my grandmother, does not make her a bus.

I feel you dancing in my chest!

Looking for the female version of yourself?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I could drink a case of you... and still I'd be on my feet.

I’m candy-coated with a soft chewy center.

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out of its nose?

I never run out of things to say unless my batteries die.

You like stuff? I like stuff too. Looks like we have stuff in common!

If we were Scrabble tiles, you’d be U and I’d be I, making U and I.

By the time you read this you will have already read this.

Don’t let me fall asleep because clowns will eat me.

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.

Last night I laid down in bed, looked up at the stars, and thought ‘where the hell is my ceiling’?

If I’ve caught your eye then it’s probably a marble one

Pick Me! Pick Me!

So, you wanna make out?

Romantic men seem to be extinct. If you're extinct, contact me now.

Guys who just want sex need not apply.

Looking for a summer fling.

Really not interested in a guy who's old enough to be my father.

Just because I don't have a picture doesn't mean I'm not good looking!

I need a husband!

I vowed to try this for two weeks. I expire soon!

I am possessive and emotionally demanding.

I want a date that loves Jesus and thin crust pizza.

I need a foot massage. You must like to give them.

I'm cute. Buy me dinner.

Dim Stars

"I resign in Florida." -- Backstreet Boys member Nick Carter, at age 14. The comment scared the interviewer and fellow band members into thinking he was leaving the group.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." -- Louisiana native Britney Spears, when asked the best part of being famous.

I think that the film 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness. Alicia Silverstone

What's Walmart, do they sell like wall stuff? Paris Hilton

Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says Chicken, by the Sea.  Jessica Simpson

I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman. Arnold Schwartzanegger

I get to go overseas places, like Canada. Britney Spears

I feel my best when I'm happy. Winona Ryder

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll bring a drill or something.- Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah Carey, pop singer

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush.- Sylvestor Stallone, Actor

Every minute was more exciting than the next.- Linda Evans, actress

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.- George Gobel

So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?- Michael Barrymore

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.- Fran Lebowitz, US writer

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.— Jessica Simpson

I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa.— Britney Spears

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me. John Barrymore

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius. Jerry Lewis

Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it.  Julie Andrews

I've had diseases that lasted longer than my marriages.  Nell Carter

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap. -Dolly Parton (about herself)

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood--Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. Goldie Hawn

Sometimes I feel like an old hooker. Cher

They shoulda called me Little Cocaine, I was sniffing so much of the stuff! My nose got big enough to back a diesel truck in, unload it, and drive it right out again. Little Richard

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.  Dean Martin

I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money. -Marlon Brando, 1989

I have eyes like those of a dead pig. Marlon Brando

If I could live my life over again, there is one thing I would change. I would want to be able to eat less.- Luciano Pavarotti

I guess I look like a rock quarry that someone has dynamited. Charles Bronson

I have a face like the behind of an elephant. Charles Laughton

I'm not handsome in the classical sense. The eyes droop, the mouth is crooked, the teeth aren't straight, the voice sounds like a mafioso pallbearer.  Sylvester Stallone

I have everything I had twenty years ago - except now it's all lower. Stripper Gypsy Rose Lee

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want- an adorable pancreas?  Jean Kerr

 Film producer Samuel Goldwyn

"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

"Gentlemen, include me out."

"Keep a stiff upper chin."

Modern dancing is so old-fashioned"

"Anything that man says you've got to take with a dose of salts."

"A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"What a wonderful day to spend Sunday!"

"Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

Goldwyn walking in a garden."What's that?" The gardener: "A sundial." Goldwyn: "What's it for?" The gardener: "It tells time by the sun." Goldwyn: "My God, what'll they think of next?"

"I can answer you in two words. Im possible."

"We can get all the Indians we need at the reservoir."

"He worked his way up from nothing, that kid. In fact, he was born in an orphan asylum."

"I had this terrible thing happen at the track. My horse was winning and then his caddy fell off."

"I've been laid up with intentional flu."

"He treats me like the dirt under my feet."

"I would be sticking my head in a moose."

"Somebody should do a picture about the Russian Secret Police. You know, the GOP."

"The hell with the cost. If it's a good picture we'll make it."

"Anita, you've got to cohabit with the director more."

"Didn't you hear me keeping still?"

(Where did he buy a painting) "I don't remember. In Paris. Somewhere over there on the Left Wing."

"I don’t think anybody should write his autobiography until after he’s dead

Eugene Ormandy, conductor

"Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa."

"Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa."

"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"

"I told him he'd have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer." (On the occasion of the death of David Oistrakh.)

"Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?”

Translated  Movie Titles

"This Hit Man Is Not As Cold As He Thought" -- "The Professional" in Hong Kong.

"Six Stripped Warriors" -- "The Full Monty" in Hong Kong (the title is a Cantonese colloquialism; in Mandrin, it translates to "Six Naked Pigs").

"Mysterious Murder In Snowy Cream" -- "Fargo" in Hong Kong (in Cantonese, "snowy cream" is pronounced "fah go").

"Bright Sun, Just Like Me" -- "Good Will Hunting" in Hong Kong.

"Bright Sun In Heavy Rain" -- "Dead Poets Society" in Hong Kong.

"The Big Liar" -- "Nixon" in Hong Kong.

"Don't Ask Me Who I Am" -- "The English Patient" in Hong Kong.

"Mr. Cat Poop" -- "As Good As It Gets" in Hong Kong.

English Subtitles In Hong Kong Films

"I will kill you until you are dead from it!"

"Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse

"Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul

"Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God

"Quiet or I'll blow your throat up." -- On the Run

"You daring lousy guy." -- Satyr Monks

"Beat him out of recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2

"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100

"Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!" -- Pedicab Driver

Employee Reviews

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should not be allowed to breed."

"This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear."

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."

"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

Facebook Updates

I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless

Yesterday I had a headache, got rid of it while drinking a bottle of wine and today I have even a bigger headache...Irony

Jesus Mite Of Walked On Water. But Steven Hawking Runs On Batterys ;]

Nobody is perfect,I am nobody,therefore I'm a perfect.

When pulled over by the police and asked if you know why you were pulled over. The correct response is not, "How long have you been following me?" True story, he let me go, and laughed.

I got a degree in psychology to better understand the women I put in therapy.

Woohoo... I still fit in the same pants from high school, I look like the Incredible Hulk after he changes, but WOOHHOOO!

Im happy. I wanna jump in a cab yell at the driver, " LOSE THE COPS AND I'LL GIVE YOU $200, GO, GO, GO".

the cops pulled me over and tried to give me a speeding ticket... i told him officer im chasing my dream

I've tried driving without texting, eating or gettin baked but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. wow...Thanks, Oprah.

I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie.." until you get hold of a rock in your hand...

To wrongs don't make a right, but two rights make a u-turn.

I've said no to alcohol for years but it still won't listen.

Some people turn to God. Me? I turn to vodka. Im still guided by a spirit.

Remember: some days yo are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.

Susan is going to make her own brand of beer called Responsibly. I'd get free advertising from competitors - "Please drink Responsibly".

decided to burn lots of calories today so I set fire to a fat kid.

Dont you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back/laugh at them.

A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's swimming pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water... Is that wrong?

Has been sick lately and her doctor told her to get plenty of fluids and plenty of rest! So now she drinks till she passes out.

Not every flower can say love, but roses can. Not very plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read... but look at you having a go!

Facebook is like jail, you sit around waisting your time, changing your statues, and getting poked by people you dont know.

They call them the "Homeless" now....when i was a Kid they called them "Hobos" or "Bums"...........Next Year it will be "Outdoorsmen"......I think they should call them "Hygiene-Impaired Professional Squeegee Technicians."

On the Bus today i was sitting Across from a Really Beautiful Girl and I kept thinking to Myself, "Please don't get an Erection, Please don't get an Erection" ......................... but She Did.

I was just Washing my Hands in the Mens' Toilets, when I thought to Myself ....................."I should Probably be using the Sink."

The only thing I Hate worse than Holding her Purse ............... is when it Doesn't Match what I'm Wearing.

I can Tolerate Kids a lot better after some Alcohol .................... seriously, they are Way more Amusing once you get a Couple Beers in them.

Since it Started Snowing all the Girlfriend has done is Look through the Window .............. i guess it's Time I let her Indoors.

I think the Hardest part of Watching a Woman Change Clothes ............... is trying to Balance yourself on the Tree Branch with only One Free Hand.

The Chinese government has released their own verson of Facebook, it's called the Yellow Pages!!

Humans and Dolphins are the Only Mammals that have Sex for Pleasure ....................... which Explains why i have been Banned from Sea World.

I just Invented a Machine Gun that shoots Pennies .................... now She will see that i am not the Only One Afraid of Change!

Was walking Home with my Blond Friend last night and i said, "OMG look at that Dog with One Eye" She immediately put her Hand over her Eye and said, "Where, Where?"....

If you were Stranded on a Desert Island with only 1 Twilight Movie ............................. how would you Kill Yourself?

I made a Chicken Salad for Lunch ........................ little Peckerwood didn't even Eat It.

The Most Beautiful things in this World can not be Seen or Touched ................ at least according to this Stupid Restraining Order.

Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.

Do you ever just look at Someone and "Why" is the only Thing you can come Up With?

Those Prudes in the Nudist Colonies need to take some Notes from the Girls in the Leper Colonies ....................... Over there, EVERYTHING comes off.

Everybody loves Pot Brownies ................... so i bring Crystal Meth Cupcakes and suddenly i'm the Weirdo?

My Doctor said the signs of an Allergic reaction are Getting Flushed, Breaking out in a Sweat, Heart starts beating rapidly and you find it really Hard to Breathe ............ well, so much for Exercise then.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Be nice to the people who smoke. Every cigarette may be their last.

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

Statistically speaking, around 165% of people exaggerate.

Statistically speaking, 8/6 people have trouble computing fractions.

Why can't chickens cross the road without their motives being questioned.

Good morning.... I see the assassins have failed.

If you must be taken for a ride, it may as well be in a good car.

Used to be schizophrenic. But now both of us are fine.

I’m everything you're not.

I let the dogs out.

Issha vingtrou blewi thth espaceb ar.

Would rather check his Facebook, than face his checkbook.

Just got a grip of reality, and is choking it to death.

Is not spoiled. Is not, is not is not!!!!

Is swearing to drunk that he is not God.

Is making some changes to his life. Leave a message, and if I don't get back to you later, you're one of the changes.

Bigamy - One wife too many. Monogamy - Same thing.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Why won't you understand me like my iPhone does?

I woke up on the wrong side of Facebook this morning.

Why is the newspaper far more interesting when someone else is reading it?

We can all keep secrets. But the people we tell are not very good at it.

My girlfriend must have had 61 boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second over.

rejecting your reality and replacing it with his own.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you will be working for them.

Is experiencing life at the rate of several wtf's a minute.

My wife said I'm too immature, and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha ha, erect.

People living in stone houses, should not throw glasses.

TEIAM - problem solved.

Never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

The trouble with suggestions is that they often come from other people.

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

Today, so far you have failed to impress me. I am, however, willing to remain open minded.

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

Some days... You just don't have enough middle fingers... ya know?

..... has a theory that the world would be a safer place if everyone were forced to take IQ tests and had to display their results as warnings to the population.

Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.

People say that things happen for a reason. So when I hit you up side the head, remember I had a reason.

….feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

….used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.

...Has advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN

...is CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK AWARENESS DAY

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).

...is color blind and trying to solve a Rubik's cube... This could take a while...

Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

….is a disaster waiting to happen

Funny Facebook Status Updates

Be nice to the ones who smoke.. every cigarette might be their last.

God created the earth, God created the woods

God created you too, but yes, even God makes mistakes!

Do not disturb, I am enough disturbed as it is....

Only once in a lifetime will you get someone with whom you will like to spend your time, love to share your smiles & talk. Until then, manage with your spouse.

There should be a limit on the number of frogs you have to kiss before you find your prince. Too many frogs are having fun!

Corporates are really funny... they keep talking about team work and then seek individual credit in a team.

..... is trying to decide if she has an attitude problem today, or not.

..... is thinking it's funny how, when people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia !!!

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

...... you know you need to get a life when you've just spent half an hour compulsively rearranging your trees in Farmville.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

...... if at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If someone throws a stone at you, throw back a flower, but make sure that the flower is still in the pot.

used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

...... says in about 50 years from now, tombstones will read 'Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, and Facebook friend

Dismayed! I don't even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it's not like we're real friends and hang out everyday.

"...... is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years."

".. thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest…"

"You can have everything in life u want, if u will just help enough other people get what they want."

".....is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect."

"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."

"Insert coin to view my status message"

"I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back."

"loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick."

"....is OCD and gathering her thoughts in alphabetical order…"

"I am so ecstatic but why is it nothing sticking to me?"

"Good friends are like stars, you don’t always see them, but you know they are always there..."

"Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday"

"........….understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now. "

"….not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if he is right for you."

"….master of his domain."

"is still wondering why they make flavored shampoo, I've tasted them all and they make my mouth all bubbly. "

"....is thinking: Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting! "

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car!"

"My words are lyk a china phone...they have no guarantee!"

".......death is hereditary(u like it or not)..blame it on the grannies!"

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always! "

"I don’t believe in the easy way out, but rather the smarter way out… "

"I am so sick of speaking words that no one seems to understand."

"Sometimes, not remembering may be better."

"The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." – George Washington

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!"

"...... is reading a book called "The Perfect Man". She found it in the fiction section."

"........is such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster."

"is wondering when people will learn... The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on Facebook!"

"I have got the best business idea of 2009....i am going to start Facebook rehab centers throughout country."

"Third person never creates misunderstanding between two people...but misunderstanding between two people create space for third person...!!!!"

Fortune Cookies

"Your life should be recorded for prosperity."

You will find a bushel of money."

"Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good."

"You are going to have some new clothes."

"Your family is young, gifted and attractive."

"There is a true and sincere friendship between you both."

"The night life is for you."

"Face facts with dignity."

"You are magnetic in your bearing."

"You are free to invent your life."

"Good sense is the master of human life."

"Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"

"Don't panic."

"If you don't have time to live your life now, when will you?"

"Ignorance never settles a question."

"You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly."

"Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance."

"Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress."

"You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment."

"Do you believe? Endurance and persistence will be rewarded."

"Good Luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires."

"Pat yourself on the back for creating an opportunity."

"It could be better, but it's good enough."

"You will find a thing. It may be important."

"The calling that has sounded will not be the lasting call."

"In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare."

"This is the year when ingenuity stands high on the list."

"The best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head."

"Ssoorrrryy,, dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh oonn.."

"You will prosper in the field of wacky inventions."

"Remember to share good fortune was well as bad with your friends."

"You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now."

"Buy the red car."

"I cannot talk right now. Even fortune cookies need to sleep sometime!"

"You and your wife will be very happy." (received by a single woman)

On one side: "You have an important new business development shaping up."

"Never kiss an elephant on the lips."

"Strike iron while hot."

"No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings."

"Real is all a vision. You have to see it for yourself."

"Food is sex."

"Ignorance never settles a question."

"You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment."

"A liar is not believed even though he tell the truth."

"You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly."

Gastricly Speaking

(Coupons) May be combined with other offers. . . . Not valid with any other offer."

"Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90."

"Our whipped butter is made with margarine."

"7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings."

"We dare you Burger for two.  A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher."

"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays."

"Parking for drive-through customers only."

"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu

for you."

"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

"Hot drinks to take out or sit in."

"You can't beat our meat!"

"Our Infamous Steaks"

"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1"

Now Hiring/ Two French Dips/ Foe two dollars

"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"

"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?"

"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.

"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza”

Guess again

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee DeForest, inventor.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"It will be years -- not in my time -- before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret Thatcher, 1974.

"I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.

"That Professor Goddard with his 'chair' in Clark College and the countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution does not know the relation of action to reaction, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react--to say that would be absurd. Of course, he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. The remark was retracted in the July 17, 1969 issue.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"There will never be a bigger plane built." -- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

Last Words

I can’t sleep. J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. Humphrey Bogart

I am about to — or I am going to — die: either expression is correct. Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian

Dammit…Don’t you dare ask God to help me.  Joan Crawford to her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.

I am perplexed. Satan Get Out  Aleister Crowley,  famous occultist

Now why did I do that?  General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.

Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’! James French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to members of the press who were to witness his execution

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. Francisco ("Pancho") Villa

I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast!  "Black Jack" Ketchum, train robber

Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies. Voltaire, when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

Get these fucking nuns away from me. Norman Douglas

Don't worry...it's not loaded... Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! Groucho Marx

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough! Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his last words were

I have a terrific headache. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring. Richard Feynman

Drink to me! Pablo Picasso

I have not told half of what I saw. Marco Polo

Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying. Jean Cocteau

Lord help my poor soul Edgar Allan Poe

Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room.  Del Close, comedian

I have tried so hard to do right. Grover Cleveland

I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain. Kurt Cobain in his suicide note

It's very beautiful over there. Thomas Edison

No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die. Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged.

I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man. Che Guevara

I'm tired of fighting. Harry Houdini

I see black light. Victor Hugo

“LSD, 100 micrograms I.M.” Aldous Huxley To his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.

Let me go to the Father's house Pope John Paul II

I'm bored with it all. Winston Churchill, before slipping into a coma and dying nine days later.

I know not what tomorrow will bring. Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet

Jesus, I love you. Jesus, I love you. Mother Teresa

Don't disturb my circles! Archimedes

I hope the exit is joyful and hope never to return. Frida Kahlo

They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance.  General John Sedgwick, Union Commander in the U.S. Civil War, who was hit by sniper fire a few minutes after saying it

Dying is easy, comedy is hard. George Bernard Shaw

I'm losing. Frank Sinatra

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt? Socrates

My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go. Oscar Wilde

"Jakie, is it my birthday or am I dying?" Lady Nancy Astor, upon seeing all her children assembled at her bedside in her last illness.

"Nothing but death." Jane Austin when asked by her sister Cassandra if there was anything she wanted.

"Friends applaud, the comedy is over." Beethoven

"I want to live because there are a few things I want to do."  Aneurin Bevan

"I'm going away tonight." Singer James Brown

"Goodnight." Lord Byron

"Doctor, do you think it could have been the sausage?"  Paul Claudel

"That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted." Lou Costello

"Goodnight my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow." Noel Coward

"Goodbye, Everybody!" Poet Hart Crane, said when he committed suicide by jumping overboard during a steamship voyage.

"That was a great game of golf, fellers." Bing Crosby

"My fun days are over." James Dean, shortly before his fatal car crash.

"I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it." Errol Flynn

"Turn up the lights, I don't want to go home in the dark."  O. Henry quoting a popular song, 5 June 1910

"Let us pass over the river and rest under the shade of the trees." Thomas Stonewall Jackson just before he was accudently shot by his own men.

"Don't worry, it's not loaded."  Terry Alan Kath, founding member of the rock band Chicago, said to Don Johnson, while pointing a 9-mm semiautomatic pistol to his own head. The single bullet left in the chamber killed him instantly.

"I wish I'd drunk more champagne." Keynes, John Maynard Keynes

"Cool it, brothers..." Malcolm X, last words before being assassinated in 1965.

"I've got to get to the top of the hill..." Morgan, John Pierpont Morgan

"So little done, so much to do." Cecil John Rhodes

"Why yes, a bulletproof vest!"  criminal James Rodger, on his final request before the firing squad.

"We are the first victims of American fascism!" Ethel Rosenberg before her execution in 1953

"I feel faint." Adlai Stevenson before collapsing to his death

"I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record." Dylan Thomas

This is the last of earth! I am content. John Quincy Adams, US President, d. February 21, 1848

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait. Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789. In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."

Am I dying or is this my birthday? Lady Nancy Astor,  when she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.

Codeine . . . bourbon.  Tallulah Bankhead, actress

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden? P. T. Barnum

Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy. Ethel Barrymore

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.  John Barrymore

Now comes the mystery.  Henry Ward Beecher, evangelist, d. March 8, 1887

I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass. Johnny Frank Garrett, Sr., executed by injection, Texas.

I'd rather be fishing. Jimmy Glass, executed in electric chair, Louisiana.

I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this. Thomas J. Grasso, executed by injection, Oklahoma.

It is the duty of every good officer to obey any orders given him by his commander-in-chief.  Actual words of Nathan Hale, American hero shot by the British as a spy.

I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country. The last words of Nathan Hale attributed

Monsieur, I beg your pardon. Marie Antoinette to the executioner, after she stepped on his foot.

Shoot me in the chest! Benito Mussolini to his executioners.

Shoot straight you bastards and don't make a mess of it! Harry Harbord "Breaker" Morant, Australian poet, to his firing squad.

Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you're screwing around. Carl Panzram, executed by hanging Leavenworth, Kansas.

Adios. John Thanos, convict executed by injection in Maryland.

Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.  Mark Twain.  Cable to the Associated Press on learning that his obituary had been published.

Great Outdoors

Questions asked of Park Rangers at The Everglades National Park:

"Are the alligators real?"

"Are the baby alligators for sale?"

"Where are the rides?"

"What time does the two o'clock bus leave?"

Grand Canyon National Park:

"Was this man-made?"

"Do you light it up at night?"

"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?"

"Is the mule train air conditioned?"

"So where are the faces of the presidents?"

"So is that Canada over there?"

Denali National Park:

"What time to you feed the bears?"

"What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?"

"Can you show me where the Yeti lives?"

"How often do you mow the tundra?"

Mesa Verde National Park:

"Did people build this, or did Indians?"

"Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"

"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"

"Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?"

Yellowstone National Park:

"Does Old Faithful erupt at night?"

"Do you put the animals away at night?"

"How do you turn it on?"

"When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?"

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

"How much of the cave is underground?"

"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"

"Does it ever rain in here?"

"So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?"

Yosemite National Park:

"Where are the cages for the animals?"

"What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?"

"What happened to the other half of Half Dome?"

"Can I get a picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?"

Banff National Park:

"Is that food coloring in the lakes?"

"When did you build the glaciers?"

"How much for a moose?"

"Where are the igloos?"

"How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"

"At what elevation does an elk become a moose?"

"Are the bears with collars tame?"

"Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?"

"Is it ok to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?"

"Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?"

"Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?"

"How far is Banff from Canada?"

"What's the best way to see Canada in a day?"

"When we enter British Columbia, do we have to convert our money to British pounds?"

"Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one, don't they?"

"Are there phones in Banff?"

"So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?"

"We're on the decibel system, you know."

"Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?"

"Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?"

"Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?"

"Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?"

"If I go to British Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario?"

"Do they search you at the British Columbia border?"

"Are there birds in Canada?"

"I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?"

Glacier National Park:

"When do the deer become elk?"

“When do the glaciers go by?"

Isle Royale National Park:

"I just saw the ugliest horse I've ever seen." -- After seeing a moose.

Sutter's Fort State Historic Park, Sacramento

"Where are the tracks the wagon trains ran on?"

Forest Service Feedback

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

Questions Asked of River Guides

Does the river follow the canyon the whole way down?"

"Since we left camp this morning, have we gained elevation or lost elevation?"

"Do we end up in the same place we started?"

"Are we below sea level here?"

"Can these life jackets get wet?"

"Is Lake Powell a direct result of Glen Canyon Dam being placed on the river?"

"How thick are the canyon walls?"

"If I would have known there were this many rocks in the Grand Canyon, I would have never come on this trip."

"Why did the Lake Powell form on that side of Glen Canyon Dam instead of this side?"

Headlines and news

Actual Headlines

Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years

Dinner Featured Cat, American Food

 All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad

Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery

Chinese Apeman Dated

Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved

Former Man Dies in California

MacArthur Flies Back to Front

Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights

 Deer Kill 17,000

 Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Lucky Man Sees Pals Die

 Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains

New Vaccine To Contain Rabies

Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out"

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

 Bridge Held Up By Red Tape

Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

British Left Waffles on Falklands

Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead

New Vaccine May Contain AIDS

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors

Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

 Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be electrocuted twice for the same Crime

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

 Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

 Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

 Police Found Safe Under Blanket

William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

 Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Farmer Bill Dies in House

 Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

 Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

 Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

The Governor's Pen Is Busy (without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)

 Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

 Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

 Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

 Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies

Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984

Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While

 War Dims Hope for Peace

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

 Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead

Man is Fatally Slain

Shot at the local gun club.

"Slain Doctor Worried About His Death"

"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals"

"Ministry Probes Dead Fish"

“Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69"

"Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch"

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Connie Tied, Nude Policeman Testifies

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Split Rears in Farmers Movement

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Idaho Group Organizes to Help Service Widows

Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble With His Peers

Russian Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Man is Fatally Slain

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School

Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

Police Discover Crack in Australia

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R. Meeting

William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary

Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

Scientists to Have Ford's Ear

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Hershey Bars Protest

County Officials to Talk Rubbish

Carter Plans Swell Deficit

Caribbean Islands Drift to Left

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Police suspect body in bin may have been dumped

"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" Referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

"Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use"

"Church Plan Upsets Brothel"

"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad.”

"Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating."

"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed."

"There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93."

"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down."

“Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving

"Today Lesbian forces invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese."

"Merle Haggard: The documentary was filmed over three years. Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall."

"Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson."

"March 18: Outdoor Adventure Series: Indoor Rock Climbing"

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other."

"The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!"

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

House passes gas tax onto senate

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Child's stool great for use in garden

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Eye drops off shelf

Squad helps dog bite victim

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Miners refuse to work after death

Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Never withhold herpes from loved one

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

War dims hope for peace

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Man is fatally slain

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

 “If only faces could talk”...- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

“And now the sequence of events in no particular order.”- Dan Rather, television news anchor

Insurance Company Reports

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

"My finger hit the band saw, damaging it."

Interview Notes

"... said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent."

"... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

. "... brought her large dog to the interview."

 "... chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles."

 "Candidate kept giggling through serious interview."

"She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

"Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

"Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle."

 "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

"... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office."

"Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview."

"Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president."

"Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

"Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

 "... wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."

 "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

"... had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him."

 "... bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet."

"At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

 "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

"Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal."

"Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

 "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

 "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

 "An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus."

 "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

 "He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped."

 "He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."

  "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

 "He whistled when the interviewer was talking."

"... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

"... she threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."

"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

"... asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview."

 When asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell the interviewer, the applicant said, "Well, ma'am, I ain't never killed nobody before."

 One candidate, when asked if he was ever convicted of a felony, responded, "No, I was not convicted, I pled guilty."

 A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

 Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

 Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

 When asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell the interviewer, the applicant said, "Well, ma'am, I ain't never killed nobody before."

One candidate, when asked if he was ever convicted of a felony, responded, "No, I was not convicted, I pled guilty."

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

Statements made during interviews

"I never get hungry."

 "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."

"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

 "My legs are really hairy."

 "I think I'm going to throw up."

"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."

 "What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."

"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

"I feel uneasy indoors."

"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."

"I get excited very easily."

"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."

"I am fascinated by fire."

"I like tall women."

"Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."

"People are always watching me."

"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."

"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."

"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."

"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."

"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."

 Applicant Additional Information:

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position.

Have had little luck in finding a new and challenging position.

I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights.

 I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment.

Lost in translation

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notices.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

 On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Russian newspaper:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Russian painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Rome doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

In a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

In a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:- English well talking.- Here speeching American.

On a Malaga freeway: Locals for sale or rent.

In a hotel in Bruges: Bathroom light operates with motion sensor. Turns off approx. 15 minutes after last registered motion.

On a Bulgarian web site: You may visit this webpage, only if you are logged in or it is unavailable.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following slogan in an advertising campaign in America: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

The name Coca-Cola in China was translated by Americans as  Ke-kou-ke-la. which means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. What the meant to write was ko-kou-ko-le,” which translated means as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” but translated means “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

The  Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.” in Chinese.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem - Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, with out understanding thatin Spanish “no va” means “it won’t go.”

"It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.

"Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.

"Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.

"You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.

"Please Use The Thong's." -- A sign asking customers to serve themselves rolls with the tongs provided; see a scanned image.

"Beware of being swallowed by child, due to small parts."

"Avoid disturbing the other while enjoying this item."

"During cutting, do not put your head too close."

"There is difference between up and down."

"Insert G-51 until you hear 'Kar'."

"Please be sure to keep the vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust."

"Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases."

Rules for climbing Mt. Fuji: A teffific Gust often overtakes three times consecutively. Keep yourself lying flat on the siope until it's completely blown over. Danger comes soonest when it's despised.

In case of Bad weather such as, storm, fain, snow and a dense fog, avoid climbing futher than the fifth staition. when the weather breaks Suddely. just give up half-way and Return.

The nearest-to-the-sky location in Japan is far colder than the feets of the mountain.

Bring garbage back to your home.

"If a tour group contains more than the number stiputed above, it is different in application. The particulars will be asked the clerk at the window. A man below 18 years old should be accompanied by the adults." -- Rules for touring the Kyoto Imperial Palace in Kyoto, Japan.

Please don't use by children or person who doesn't read this instruction.

Brake is unable to provide reliable protection on slopes, thus, aware of the speed and make sure you can stop when necessary. But don't reduce the speed too fast, you may fall.

You may lose your balance while tuming, you are batter to get off or decrease your speed before tuming.

"Thankful patronage!

Can Wash (Car wash)

The low temperature is very hot

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultual." -- Instructions on a chopsticks wrapper.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks. the traditional and typical If Chinaes glorious history and culture." -- Instructions on the wrapper for the same brand of chopsticks, as rewritten months later.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with chopsticks. the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- The same instructions, rewritten still more months later.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticke the traditional and trpical of Chinese glorious history and cultual." -- Another rewrite.

"Hey, you there! Open those windows. Let the air force come in!" -- Spoken by a teacher for whom English was a second language.

"With you I feel myself in kindergarten!" -- Spoken by a Russian teacher of mathematics to a noisy class.

"Toyota E-com will be come a main type of car suitable for commutation in metropolis and the suburbs nearly in the future." -- On a brochure in Japan.

"The story of each riding is different. Many people cannot help riding again and again." -- On a brochure for a theme park in Japan.

"Have formality of the first kabuki play ground. There is the earphone guide who can hear explanation which enjoying the play." -- On a brochure for Idemitsu Museum in Japan.

"Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in." -- From a brochure.

"Let's fun." -- From a advertising paper for a local disco in Luxembourg.

"A Great Stage Where Wings of the World Gather, Flap, and Fly skyward." -- From a guide to the Narita airport.

"Val d'Isere, a resort village, expects you in Winter as well as in Summer for spending relaxing and well-being moments in its comfortable environment." -- From a brochure for the Val d'Isere ski resort.

"In case of fire, please read this." -- On a Saudi hotel's fire safety brochure.

"In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away." -- From a tourist brochure.

"Come to Juan's Jewelry Shop. We won't screw you too much." -- On cards handed out by a man in front of a jewelry shop in Mexico.

"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -- From a story in an East African newspaper.

"If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2." -- From a recording on an Australian information line, which was set up to answer questions about the new Goods and Services Tax plan.

"If you need help in Spanish, please tell an employee 'Ayudar en Espanol' and they will get you help over the telephone." -- From a sign in an AutoZone shop.

"Lemon Gas" -- The name of a gas station in Japan.

"Calpis Nude" -- The name of a kind of soda in Japan.

Signs and Notices

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.

"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.

"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.

"Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

"Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

"Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.

"Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.

"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.

"Parkinginwrong Places Will Make you accountal be to Law Apartfrom being atres Passingon the Right of the Citizenand the state." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.

"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.

"Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.

"SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.

"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.

"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.

"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.

 "Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.

"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.

"Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.

"Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's.

"Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.

"Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo.

"This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo.

"Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo.

Let's wash a hand well before and after a wash.

Don't wash the person who get's an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.

Don't wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.

Let's bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.

Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency.

"Schweppes Toilet Water." -- "Schweppes Tonic Water," as originally translated into Italian.

"Manure stick." -- "Mist Stick," a brand of curling iron, in German slang.

"Micro tender rat." -- "Microsoft Mouse," as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese Microsoft-compatible mouse.

"Eat your fingers off." -- "Finger lickin' good," as originally translated into Chinese.

"Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico.

"Suffer from diarrhea." -- "Turn it loose," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of Coors.

"Fly naked." -- "Fly in leather," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of American Airlines' leather first class seats.

"I saw the potato." -- "I saw the Pope," as translated into Spanish. The slogan was used on promotional T-Shirts for the Pope's visit to Miami.

"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." -- An English slogan used by Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux for an American advertising campaign.

"Be a prostitute." -- The Dr. Pepper advertising slogan "Be a Pepper," as understood in England, where "pepper" is slang for "prostitute." Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -- From a menu in Switzerland.

"Savour best match of the mysterious sauces." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Modernly arranged miscellaneous European Flavors." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Vietnam bird salad, mixed Chimaki and asian corses." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Seasonal ingredients specially pre-pared and directly imported from their place of origination." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce." -- From a menu in China.

"Jam and Cheese Sandwich." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.

"Pastry Chef." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.

"Waffies." -- From a menu in Thailand.

"Children soup." -- From a menu in India.

"Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady." -- From a menu in India.

"Grilled lamp ribs." -- From a menu in Barcelona.

"Vegitational beef soap." -- From a menu in Brazil.

"'Boys style' little chickens." -- From a menu in Barcelona.

"Pork with fresh garbage." -- From a menu in Vietnam.

"Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger." -- From a menu in Poland.

"French fried ships." -- From a menu in Cairo.

"Fried friendship." -- From a menu in Nepal.

"Fried fishermen." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Friend eggs." -- From a menu in Laos.

"Gordon blue." -- From a menu in a Korean hotel.

"Cram Chowder." -- From a Chinese buffet in Canada.

"Rather burnt land slug." -- On a menu in Thailand.

"Chessburger." -- On a menu in Poland.

"Turkey meat, salad, and sos." -- A creative spelling of "sauce" on a menu in Poland.

"Roat poik." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Ckicken Velvet and Ckicken Noddle." -- The soups of the day listing, from a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Ha Ha Fortune Cookies." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Sweat from the trolley." -- From a menu in Europe.

"Salad a firm's own make." -- From a menu in Poland.

"Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream." -- From a menu in China.

"Strawberry crap." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -- From a menu in Poland.

"Buttered saucepans and fried hormones." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Indonesian Nazi Goreng." -- From a menu in Hong Kong.

"Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos." -- From a menu in Cairo.

"Toes with butter and jam." -- From a menu in Bali.

"Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes." -- From a menu in Japan.

"Soon Go Fatt" -- The name of a Chinese Restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.

"Hamanegs." -- From many menus in Slovakia.

"Guinea-Pig Breast." -- From a menu in Slovakia.

"Are you finished? No, I'm Swedish." -- From a "Learn English" tape in Finland.

"I am looking for an realy educated man who can be joke to himself." -- Excerpt from the personal ad of a Russian woman.

English-As-A-Second-Language Placement Test Essay Quotations

"If you seat down and wash TV all time, you get fat."

"I hate to see people sad or angry because you only get one life so why waste it on retarted stuff."

"We could talk, eat snakes and laugh."

"Sometimes television's programation has bad bad quality of programs."

"I was a prodigy of a teenage pregnancy."

"In conclusion, television affects my life by not getting a part-time job in the afternoon."

"In the 18th century, there weren't many television programs designed for children."

"New Mexico are my best experience or best times I never had."

"Travel is an activity that makes me feel another person."

"I felt the happiest woman on Earth at the time."

"T.V. could be bad too because you could go more blinder."

"I recently gave birth to a gorgeous and healthy five-month-old baby girl."

"If not for the cell phones, we would still not know where we are at."

"Just feeling the cool breeze going through my face."

"A world without television is a world without knowing, and without television there would be no famous people."

"I use my dancing skills at clubs, churches, and AA gatherings."

"History deeply amuses, from the Ice Age to the war in Iraq."

"I came to the conclusion that apart from myself, I don't have any talents."

"On top of her, I have a pretty big family."

"Anyone can laugh at a good joke or enjoy watching a friend trip."

"When I'm in my nursing home and some detestable scoundrel dares to steal my pudding, you know I'll be willing to throw down."

"Cell phones evolutionated the industry of communication."

"The calming crash of the waves against the rocks screamed serenity."

Spam Email: Excuse me for your busy time.

Managers Reports

Employee blew his nose so hard that his back went out.

Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.

Employee was hit by a bus while walking.

Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.

Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.

Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.

Employee called from his cell phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that nobody was around to let him out.

Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.

Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.

Employee's mother was in jail.

Employee had a bad case of hiccups.

Employee was sad.

Employee was spit on by a venomous snake.

Employee had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

Employee had to ship his grandmother's bones to India.

Employee's bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.

Medically Mispoken

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.

She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.

Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.

The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

The patient refused an autopsy.

Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Emergency Room Patients' Sign-In Complaints

"Diarear."

"Sore trout."

Police Reports

The following are copies of written statements submitted to the police on report forms The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

 The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

 In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

 I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

 The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.

I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

Politically speaking

"Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."  Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

"There are two kinds of truth. There are real truths, and there are made up truths." -- Marion Barry, on his arrest for drug use.

"If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be." -- Councilman John Bowman, commenting on the high crime rate in Washington, D.C.

"[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job." -- George Bush, during his first campaign for the presidency.

"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven." -- Jean Chretien

"When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results." -- Calvin Coolidge, ex-president, discussing the United States economic situation in 1931.

"This opens the door on another chapter of history." -- Walter Cronkite

"President Carter speaks loudly and carries a fly spotter, a fly swasher -- it's been a long day." -- Gerald Ford

"If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." -- Gerald Ford

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -- Gerald Ford

"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio." -- Gerald Ford

"That is what has made America last these past 200 centuries." -- Gerald Ford

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Charles de Gaulle, President of France

"A zebra does not change its spots." -- Al Gore

"The theories -- the ideas she expressed about equality of results within legislative bodies and with -- by outcome, by decisions made by legislative bodies, ideas related to proportional voting as a general remedy, not in particular cases where the circumstances make that a feasible idea..." -- Al Gore

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." -- Senator S. I. Hayakawa

"Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans." -- Alf Landon (in America), during a speech in his presidential campaign against FDR.

"When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight." -- John Major

"There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values." -- Ronald Reagan

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia -- it's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." Al Gore

"Water under the dam." -- A television news reporter, referring to the Clinton/Gore campaign fundraising issue.

"Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage." President George W. Bush

"These are not my figures I'm quoting. They're from someone who knows what he's talking about." -- A congressman, during a debate.

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?- Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."- Hillary Clinton

I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

They have vilified me, they have crucified me, yes, they have even criticized me.  Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago

The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder. Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago

The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder. Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago

No man is an Ireland. Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago

You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference. Richard Nixon, 1962

Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.  Richard M. Nixon

People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?  Imelda Marcos, answering a question on why she owned 1,000 pair of  designer shoes

The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. Jacqueline Kennedy

Product Warnings

"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"Do not wear for sumo wrestling." -- From a set of washing instructions. See a scanned image.

"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.

"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.

"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.

Resumes

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"I can play well with others."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"I eat computers for lunch."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Professional Objectives

To acquire a creative development position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast (2 years) technical experience.

To find a gig.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

 I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

Qualifications

I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine.

I have a current passport

I am a great team player I am.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.

I never take anything for granite.

I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.

I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity.

I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills.

I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.

I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.

I'm a rabid typist.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solving.

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Very experienced with out-house computers.

Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.

1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Reasons for Leaving the Last Job

Terminated after saying, "It would be a blessing to be fired."

 Responsibility makes me nervous.

 Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.

 In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd.

I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

My last employer insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

 I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

Maturity leave.

In response to the application question “What is Your Educational Background?”

While I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several.

Completed 11 years of high school.

College, August 1880-May 1984.

Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.

Suspected to graduate early next year.

No education or experience.

Skills and Accomplishments of prespctive employees

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.

I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.

I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.

Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Special Requests made by prospective employees

Desired Salary: $1.00 Per Year

I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

I want a boss of average height, not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to just about anything given time).

I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer.

I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during working hours.

Last Position Held Job Responsibilities

Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks.

Responsibilities included checking customers out.

Creator / Writer: ihatemylife.us, Los Angeles, CA

 Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

 While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

Run that by me again

I've made a couple of mistakes I'd like to do over."

I've left a path of destruction behind me.

 Cross my legs and hope to die!"

"He's the cream of the corn."

"There are too many cooks in the broth."

"The short answer is 'Yes.' The long answer is 'No.'"

"Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!"

 "We are the glue that keeps things moving."

 "You're barking up a dead tree."

"That's not his cup of cake."

 "You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later."

"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

 "I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning."

"We ought to make the pie higher."

 "Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental."

 "Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time."

 "That guy smokes like a fish!"

"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"

 "I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony."

 "After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids."

"All old people should be shot at birth."

"He's as sharp as a new penny."

 "I know that area of town like the back of my head."

"She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan."

"She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country."

"That really burns my goat!"

 "You shouldn't let people get under your goat."

 "I'm sweating like a bullet."

"It's like six of one and two dozen of the other."

"I hate to throw cold water on your bubble."

 "I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime."

"That really raises the shackles on my neck."

"I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter."

 "We gotta get our soup and nuts together."

"I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!"

 "I used to be as sharp as a button."

 "That'll put the monkey in your court."

"It was time to separate the wheat from the baby."

"You're only smart on the outside."

"I guess you're just AOL."

"If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot."

 "Not everything that shines is baloney."

 "You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."

"Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof."

"It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it."

 "I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."

 "We've got to dig our way out of this puppy."

"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"

 "You're a minefield of information."

"Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works."

“You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.”

"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."

"That really burns my craw!"

 "A two-prawn approach is necessary."

 "He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants."

"You gotta walk with your pants on."

"Can I pick your ear?"

"I don't want to shoot myself in the hip."

 "A little pain never hurt anyone."

 "Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?"

 "I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy."

 "I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today."

"You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck."

"We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot."

 "I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse."

 "The ball is in his camp now."

"We need to get our ducks in the fire."

"Whatever rubs your boat!"

"You know I’m just pulling your lamb."

"If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

 "They need to get all their ducks in one sock."

 "We don't want to go barking up a dead horse."

 "We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!"

"The ball is squarely on our shoulders."

 "The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox."

 "Make sure you cross your p's and q's."

"Throw that monkey back over the fence."

"She really rubs me up the wrong tree."

"Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man."

"He had all of his ducks in one sock."

"I've just got my feet in too many pies right now."

"This thing is about to grow legs and take off...."

 "Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?"

 "If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole."

 "Will everyone stop misundermining me!"

"I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting."

"He was slow as Moses."

"I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!"

"My arms were knee-deep in mud."

"'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.”

"We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one."

 "Hey, don't eat the messenger!"

 "It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned."

"We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb."

"..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep."

 "He's not the brightest brick in the basket."

"Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole."

"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."

 "You planted the seed, and I ran with it."

“I swear on my dog's breakfast!”

 "If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?"

"Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place."

 “All old people should be shot at birth."

 "I know that area of town like the back of my head."

"That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

"Vision is in the eyes of the beholder."

"Eventually, I want it now."

 "In the last year, you've turned around 150%."

 "It was a huge incontinence for me."

 "I was already squeezing the buffalo."

 "I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page."

"I think you might have hit the nail on the button."

 "I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot."

 "I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you."

 "If you have that, the world is your walrus."

"It was jumping up and down like a sieve."

 "I've got ears like a hawk."

 "This guy's sharp as a cookie."

 "I had too many hands in the fire."

"He's between a rock and a hotplate."

 "It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty."

 "I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!"

 "It's like the blind talking to the blind!"

 "She's not the brightest tree in the forest."

 "I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway."

"Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit."

"Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon."

 "He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."

 "We'd be biting off a new can of worms."

 "Well, it's no skin off MY teeth!"

 "That's just cutting your throat to spite your face."

"Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!"

"If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather."

 "'Usually' only counts in horseshoes."

 "I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole."

 "Everything has been peaches and gravy."

"You're getting too clever for your own boots!"

 "Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver."

 "I'll be straight as a doorknob with you."

"Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you."

"He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him."

 "They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks."

 "We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later."

 "We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project."

"That really throws a monkey at the wrench..."

"She's totally green under the collar."

"You don't want me down here breathing down your throats."

"I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel."

 "That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it."

 "He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary."

 "It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!"

 "This is for your FYI."

"We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner."

 "I'm not the brightest bean in the hole."

 "I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it."

 "Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth."

 "I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany."

"We need to iron out our bread and butter."

"I think we should go for the whole ball of wood."

"Each of you pitched a home run today!"

"I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves."

 "It's an exercise in fertility."

"Hindsight is 50-50."

"You are never going to fail unless you try."

 "We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg."

 "Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers."

 "He might be barking at a red herring."

 "He was smoking like a fish."

"He's as deaf as a bat."

"We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off."

"I didn't have two dimes to pee on."

"I gave him a real mouthful."

 "I really took the bull by the hands."

"He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground."

"I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!"

"You can lead a pig to pearls..."

"Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday."

"The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree."

 "He would give you the shoes off his back."

 "That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded."

 "We're going to clean the competition's lunch."

 "We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it."

"I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week."

"The phone was ringing off its hinges."

"I didn't want to stir the apple cart."

"It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack."

"I don't put my chickens before the horse."

"It was time to get the train out of the harbor."

"I didn't have many bullets left in the tank."

"I was shooting at straws."

 "I was running on exhaustion fumes."

 "I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump."

"I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears."

 "It's water under the dam now."

 "I put the ball in the other shoe."

 "That took the steam out of my sails."

"No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!"

"You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil."

"Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?"

"Eventually the penny will come home to roost."

"You are the wind beneath my cheeks."

 "Water over the bridge."

"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it."

"Your heart is the lifeblood of your body."

"Let's nip this in the butt."

Let's nibble this in the butt."

"Don't eat with your mouth full!"

"I'm not going to let this guy shine on my parade."

"He's disgusting. He smokes like a fish!"

"We're killing two birds for the price of one."

"If it had legs it would have bit you."

"You'll know it like the back of your head."

"You can barely see your face in front of your hand!"

"That's the way the crumble cookies."

"I don't want to sound like a dead horse."

"Let's take a wild stab in the back."

"Well, you know what they say: Second only counts in horseshoes."

"She's not the sharpest apple on the tree."

"He eats like a fish."

"Around here, it's always feast or phantom

"If you could get it working I'd be internally grateful."

"This is the piece of the puzzle that allows you to paint in the rest of the pie."

"It is kisstomary to cuss the bride." Dr. William Archibald

"From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine tooth comb."

"A reminder to all (Female students) that you are not to wear t-shirt tank tops on campus. If you do so, you will be asked to remove them."

"1. Resolved, by this council, that we build a new jail. 2. Resolved, that the new jail be built out of the materials of the old jail. 3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished." -- Board of Councilmen, Mississippi, mid-1800s

Signs and Advertisements

"Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" -- On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.

"Ears pierced while you wait." -- A sign in a shop.

"Free Parking ($1.50 per day)"

"If you can't read or write, phone this number."

"We are sorry, but these toilets are out of action. Please use  floor." -- A sign on a shopping center's restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.

"Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.

"Welcome to the Flippin Church of Christ." -- A sign outside a church in Flippin, Arkansas.

"Caution! Water on road during rain." -- A road sign.

Sports Talk

"I might just fade into Bolivian, you know what I mean?" Mike Tyson

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennet, former University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"There's a hard shot to LeMaster -- and he throws Madlock into the dugout." -- Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer

"The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running." -- Joe Garagiola

"Wish: To end all the killing in the world. Hobbies: Hunting and fishing." -- California Angel Bryan Harvey (flashed on a scoreboard during a game).

"Me and George (Steinbrenner) and Billy (Martin. ) are two of a kind." -- Micky Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder

"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games in this league, and that's the problem we had today." -- Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost.

"A lot is said about defense, but at the end of the game, the team with the most points wins, the other team loses." -- Isaiah Thomas, commentating on an NBA game.

"It just as easily could have gone the other way." -- Don Zimmer, Chicago Cubs manager, on his team's 4-4 record.

You guys, line up alphabetically by height.- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.- Greg Norman, Golfer

These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up.  Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future.- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.  Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.- Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost.- Frank Bruno, Boxer

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

 Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding.- Mickey Rivers, baseball player

He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer

If only faces could talk...- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

My family was so poor the lady next door gave birth to me.  Lee Trevino

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.  Mike Tyson

Sports announcer John Madden

"Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field."

"If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the wide receiver catches it, it's a touchdown."

"In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball."

"He would have scored a touchdown if he hadn't been tackled right there."

"Here's a guy who can use his arms and legs at the same time."

"To get more yards, it's best to move the ball from the line of scrimmage down the field."

"Usually the team with the most points wins the game!"

"Whenever you talk about a Mike Shanahan offence, you're always going to be talking about his offence."

"Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster."

"When you have great players, playing great, well that's great football!"

"Real frontier-busting math explores new worlds . . . . If you can communicate that experience, somewhere between math and uncertainty, life experience provides the balance."

"If you lose your best cornerback and punter, I'd say that's a double loss."

"When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want  it to."

"Well, when you're playing good football, it's good football and if you don't have good football, then you're not really playing good football."

"The defense should be expecting a run or a pass here."

"They'll score if they can just get into the endzone."

"You can't win a game if you don't score any points."

"I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose."

"See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands."

"He might want to watch where he lands when tackling that guy, because he could really hurt his hand if it gets stepped on."

"Playing in this nice weather really makes me remember all the times I got stung by a bee."

"The best feeling is watching a real football game, because the games they show in the movies aren't real."

"There definitely needs to be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa."

Yogi Berra Quotes

This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might got get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."

"I wanna thank everybody here for making this night unnecessary."

Work Excuses

"I'm too fat to get into my work pants."

"I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet."

"I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work."

"I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."

One of the walls in the employee's home fell off the night before.

My wheelchair broke down.

"God didn't wake me."

"It's way too cold outside to leave the house."

"It's way too nice outside to be in the office."

"I had race tickets for Sunday's race, which was rained out, so they are running it today."

"My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in."

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

A hit man was looking for me.

"The ghosts in my house kept me up all night."

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

"I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened."

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

"I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself."

"I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

"I forgot I was getting married today."

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

"I'm too drunk to drive to work."

"My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out."

My head injuries have created a permanent increase in libido which has led to two affairs and has ruined my marriage.

I got my right hand first finger in the saw while helping Mike and staying out of his way.

My finger bled and it affected my mind.

I chipped my tooth on a cookie while visiting a customer.

While on duty, I was hit in the face by a hand. My glasses were broke and something hit my eye. No one believes I was hit but it hurt!

Hot grease splashed on me and fried my thumb.

I was working on my job and got a pain at the end of the week.

Accident unnecessarily occurred on account of a misjudgment.

I ran down the steps and when I got to the end, my feet wouldn't stop.

I had my hand in the machine while the air was off. Someone turned on switches and folded my hand.

I was assaulted and attacked by a vicious employee because he didn't like me and I know it.

The patient was going to fall for me. I could not let this happen. In so preventing this, I caused myself damage to my knee.

In performing the job of which I am capable, I didn't know the machine was on and was showing my new helper what not to do and did.

I was proving that I could carry an air compressor and I strained my back.

I looked into the hose to see why the water did not come out. It came.

I sprained my ankle the same way I sprained my ankle before.

That night I done something I shouldn't-a done and now my back hurts.

A gate hit my foot while my back was turned, closing the other side.

Customer thought she needed the brakes adjusted. She drove the car into the station, could not stop the car, came through the door and pinned claimant against the cash register.

I was removing a blouse for a customer and which time I injured my back.

I inherited this occupational disease.

Acting on behalf of my employer, I hit another automobile.

In order to avoid a person, Betty lost her balance and fell down. In one hand she had a ketchup botttle which broke on impact, cutting her hand. In the other hand she had her thumb.

I overasserted myself and got a hernia.

The doctor gave me a disease for my occupation and said I must change jobs.

Gears smashed thumb while holding air cleaner, while putting nipple on with right hand, while balancing air cleaner with left hand, while holding end with left hand away from right hand. Gears were not covered.

I didn't know water was where I fell.

I fell down in the Fotomat booth while dislocating my knee.

Sustained back injury due to car accident which is part of his job.

Falling off the truck, I dislocated my pelvis and other male organs.

I slipped and fell and hurt everything in me.

I dropped my head on my foot when someone pushed their guts across the table without calling out (from a slaughterhouse employee).

The fumes were so bad I was taken by them and went to bed with the doctor.

The guy I work with went ape s**t. He hauled off and punched me in the jaw and then tried to rip my throat out.

Carrying roll roofing, I caught my toe on a piece of tin that was froze in the ground. The tin flipped against me causing me to trip, letting the roofing fall into the bucket of tar.

Tar splashed out, burning my arm, and causing me to jump back into the ladder which fell against me, knocking me into the building, breaking my tooth. Thus I burned, bumped, and broke me.