The Quotable Groucho Marx
John William Tuohy
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Time flies an arrow; fruit flies a banana.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Time wounds all heels.
Room service? Send up a larger room. [A Night at the Opera]
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd to hear it again
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
I must admit, I was born at an early age.
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
The only real laughter comes from despair.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
Policeman: A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?
Groucho: That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.
Somebody once said it's what you don’t see you're interested in, and this is true.
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes you know he is a crook.
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you
Any place I hang my head is home.
All geniuses die young.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. Either that, or my luck's terrible.
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
All people are born alike... except Republicans and Democrats.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer
We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St. Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail of Two Cities." I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.
I was born at a very early age.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.