A grasshopper walks into a bar
and hops up on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says; "We have a
drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies;
"You have a drink named Kevin?"
Two hunters are out in the woods
when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his
friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What
should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm
down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence,
then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught
up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid
higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended,
he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot,
he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to
have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry.” said the
Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”
Little Johnny was practicing the
violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog
was at there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl.
Johnny’s father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, For God’s
sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?
A church pastor went to a
hospital to visit a man from his congregation who was gravely ill. When he
entered the room, he found several family members were also there. The patient
had a breathing tube in his throat so was unable to speak. He beckoned the
minister to his bedside and motioned for a pencil and paper.
He scribbled a note on the paper,
handed it to the preacher and immediately expired. In the confusion that
followed, the pastor, who was busy consoling the family, put the note in his
suit pocket and forgot about it. Some days later, he was officiating at the
funeral and was wearing the same suit.
During the eulogy he happened to
put his hand in his pocket and brought out the forgotten note. Stopping in
mid-sentence he held up the note and said to the crowd, "Folks, I have
here Charlie's last words on earth." He told them of the scene in the
hospital room and said, "I had forgotten about this note until this very
moment. Let's see what Charlie's message was as he departed from this
world." Opening the note he read, "YOU"RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN
HOSE!"
What is black and brown and looks
good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
A man walks into a bar and says,
"Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want
them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour
his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want
them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a
little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "You mean
to say, He can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and
then some." the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2
shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says
the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to
the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs
back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "What else can he do? Does he
talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender
with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks "Talk? Sure he talks.
Hey, Rodney, tell him about that
time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native
Witch doctor an idiot”
A man goes into a pet shop and
tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a
faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a
dog?"
The owner says, "How about a
cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A
cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a
minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede?
I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a
centipede."
He gets the centipede home and
says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks
into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have
been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances
sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede,
"Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks
into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and
dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself,
"This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that
can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede,
"Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door.
45 minutes later... still no centipede!
So he goes to the front door,
opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent
you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the
matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm
goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
The Zen master steps up to the
hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot
dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog
vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?"
asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds,
"Change must come from within."
A biology teacher wished to
demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms.
For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was
a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker
the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what
do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is
obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have
worms."
A man walking down the street
noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he
jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked
up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled
and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we
run like crazy!"
This guy goes into a doctor's
office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test.
Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and
says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad
news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is
distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than
that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs,
"The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since
yesterday."
A millionaire throws a massive
party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and
announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a
swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of
mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no
events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests
of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as
hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this
guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the
end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the
microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give:
my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have
ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says,
"Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
An Antartian boy and his father
were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again.
The boy asked his father,
"What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator]
responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't
know what it is."
While the boy and his father were
watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room.
The walls closed and the boy and
his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light
up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a
beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go
get your mother."
It was two o'clock in the morning
and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone
and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather
man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks,
"Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t
know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
A tour bus driver drives with a
bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his
shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps
him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She
repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the
little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she
replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able
to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon
the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you
like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I
did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,
I said you look fat in those pants."
A nice, calm and
respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
