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John William Tuohy lives in Washington DC

A few jokes from my book "The Wee book of Irish Jokes" by John William Tuohy



Anglo-Irish Relations

An old handicapped man lived in the countryside of Northern Ireland and had only one relative, a son. The son was in prison for revolutionary activities.
The father wrote the son.  “Now that you’re in prison, I have no one to dig up my garden. How can I plant my potatoes if I can’t dig up my garden?”
The son wrote back: “Don’t dig up the garden; that’s where I’ve buried all the guns.”
The next day a troop of British soldiers descended on the farm and turned up all the soil. When they found nothing, the old man was confused. He wrote his son: “What’s going on? There were no guns.”
The son wrote back: “Just plant your potatoes.”

Two Irish guys are making letter bombs.
Pat say's "Do you think I have put enough explosives in this envelope?"
"Dunno" says Mick "open it and see"
"But it will explode" says Pat
Mick says "Don’t be effing stupid......it's not addressed to you"

 In London a homeless Irishman walks up to a proper Englishman and asks for some spare change.    The Englishman says "Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Shakespeare."
 The Irishman man says, "Fuck you. Brendan Behan"

An Irishman and an Englishman are hunting out in the woods when the Englishman falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The Irishman whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, a shot is heard. The man’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?” 

A boastful Englishman said to an Irishman "take away your friendliness, your wit, your charm and your good looks, your mountains, glens & lochs what have you got?"
"England" replied the Irishman.

One day a priest was walking in Dublin, and he encountered a Protestant minister. They chatted for a while and then the minister invited the priest to his home for a cup of tea. When they got to the minister’s home, the priest noticed how shabby the outside was. Inside, the priest noticed how run down the place seemed to be. Then the minister introduced the priest to his wife.
“Father O’Neill,” said the minister, “I’d like you to meet my better half.”
And so the minister’s missus then made them tea.
A few days later, the two clergymen met each other again. This time, they went to the priest’s rectory, which was a fancy well-appointed Georgian mansion. The minister was very impressed. The priest led him to the kitchen where he began to make the tea. The kitchen, too, was set up with all the modern conveniences. Finally the minister commented on the wonderful housing the priest had.
“Well,” said Father O’Neill, “Here in Ireland, the Protestant ministers have the better halves, but the Catholic priests have the better quarters.”

Officer Murphy was called upon to talk down a suicidal jumper on the seventh floor ledge of the Copley Plaza.
Murphy arrives and sticks his head out the window to grab the attention of the jumper.
“Don’t jump. For the love of your parents, don’t jump.”
The young man says, “Actually, I’m an orphan.”
“Okay,” says Murphy. “Don’t jump for the love of your wife or girlfriend.”
“I have neither a wife nor a girlfriend,” says the jumper.
“Okay,” says Murphy, “then don’t jump for the love of the saints of Ireland.”
The young jumper says, “But I’m not Irish. I’m British.”
Murphy says, “Jump, you swine, jump.”

An English builder runs a job ad in an international trade paper. Three applicants turn up: a Frenchman, a German and an Irishman. When the builder interviews them he points out that a basic knowledge of English is essential, especially of terms used in the building trade, so he has devised a little test. He asks each one of them the same question: “Can you explain to me the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders, admitting that he does not understand the terms. The German also admits that he has no idea.
Before the builder puts the question to the Irishman, he says “I know you speak English, but in the interests of equal treatment I have to ask you the same question as the other two: “What is the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Irishman replies, “Sure, everyone knows that. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.”

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' 

Seamus O'Brien had been hailed as the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He did, and won a place. On the evening of the competition, Seamus walks on stage, sits down and makes himself comfortable. The lights dim and a spotlight shines on his face. Magnus, the emcee, proceeds: "Seamus, what subject are you studying?" Seamus responds, "Irish history". "Very well," says Magnus, "your first question - in what year did the 'Easter Rising take place?" "Pass," says Seamus. "Okay," says Magnus, "Who was the leader of the Easter Rising?" Seamus responds, "Pass."
"Well then," says Magnus, "how long did the Easter Rising last?"
Again, Seamus responds, "Pass."
Instantly, a voice from the audience shouts out: "Good man, Seamus - tell the English nothing..."

A woman goes to the post office to stock up on stamps. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 stamps please? The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "God bless us, has it come to that? I'll have 18 Protestants, and 32 Catholics."

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