Welcome

Welcome
John William Tuohy lives in Washington DC

Cyber Date.A Play about people and romance and a lot of other stuff.

                                     

                                                                    Cyber Date



A Play about people and romance and a lot of other stuff.

By
John William Tuohy


                                      
Synopses: Romance comedy.  Six characters of various ages seek romance on an Internet matching service.

Reading Time: 55 minutes

Synopses: Romance comedy.  Eight characters of various ages seek romance on an Internet dating service.

Cast:
Abbey: An overweight, friendly woman in her late twenties 
Emily: A clerical worker in her early 30’s
Grace: A retired housewife in her early seventies
Eugene: An overweight, man in his late twenties
Milt: A retired man in his early seventies
Sal: A blue -collar man in his late 30’s


Setting: Six desks each with a computer keyboard and screen.  (Or six chairs, or simply have the actors stand)



                                                  ACT 1

                                  
                                            Dark stage

                                              Cyber date voice
 Welcome to Cyber date!  America's number one relationship service!  We’ve put together more successful couples per match than any online dating service on line!
To get started…right now!  Take our Cyber Date Personality Profile and get started on the road to finding the love match of your life!

                 
                         
                                              Abbey (Talking the audience)
 I’m so embarrassed to be here.  Do you realize that if I had kept last year's resolutions that by now I'd be fashionably thin, in love, healthy, smart, and rich?  But, instead, a year later, here I am, Cyber dating….Cyber date, sounds like old age for robots something a robot eats.  I’m determined to find the right guy so I’m out there trying and I know what I want.  You have to know what you want because if you don’t know where you're going with a plan, you end up some place else.

                                               Cyber date voice
                     Okay!  Let’s get started!  Why did you come to Cyber date.Com?
  
                                              Abbey (To herself)
Because…..what do I write now?  That I’m attracted to the simple things in life.  Like, men.  Or do I write that I’m scared of being alone?

                                              Abbey (To the audience)
   How is it possible to be in a world full of people and still be alone?  They, you know, “Them,” they keep telling me the right man will come along.  But I think mine was on the way and got hit by a truck or something.


                                              Milt (To the audience)
 Why am I here?  Apparently, disco is dead, although, so this one of the few ways to meet people, but I’m too old for this


                                              Sal (To himself)
                               I’m dumb enough to try this

                                              Eugene (To himself)
                                     I’m too young for this

                                              Grace (To herself)
                              I’m not attractive enough for this.


              Emily (looking for hope and encouragement in the audience
 I have to do this,  I have children.  Things happen so fast don’t they? You find yourself involved with a fellow for life just because he was the one that you met when you were nineteen.  And with time you change, you still love him and he still loves you, but your not friends anymore.  It is not the lack of love, but a lack of friendship that ruins marriage.  I think what happens is that you change, he changes, but you forget to tell each other.  Everything becomes an assumption between you, and assumptions are what kills understanding between us.
  When the marriage ended, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again.  I felt, for the longest time, that nothing would ever replace what I had lost.  (Looks away for several seconds and then continues) All men are idiots, and I married their King.  He cheated on me, over and over again.  When your husband replaces your body with the body of another woman, it makes you feel like…. you're…. a corpse.  You married this man because he made you feel special.  Now, not only are you plain, you’ve been replaced and it hurts.  Finally, it just ended.  He walked out.  I cried for weeks and months.  Still,  I live in a fantasy that I’m back in my marriage and I’m happy, and I’m not out here, alone, a single mother, struggling from one paycheck to the next…scared to death.
   Why did he hurt me like that?  Why did he have to hurt me at all?  I think people hurt other people because in a mundane world, it’s exciting…….how sad is that? 
  No man was ever perfect.  Well there probably was but the others guys got together and killed him.  Sometimes I think that the only reason men are on this planet is because vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

                                               Abbey (To herself)
                         If I don’t do this, I’ll never have children. 

                                              Kent (To himself)
 I’m too smart for this. I’m here because I lost track of the game someplace.  I knew the rules of the workplace, hell, I made some of them.  By the time I was 28, I had it all.  I sold more, I made more.  I guess what I didn’t understand was, you got to have something outside of this….Now, you go to the office Christmas party or the summer picnic and you see your work mates with their husbands or wives and their kids and it’s like your seeing them in a new dimension.  They have something else.  They have more.  They have a life that’s more then just the corner office.  You feel, I don’t know….alone?  Because they still see you in that one dimension because that’s all there is to you.  Maybe I’m just stunted in…is there a name for this?  Office adolescences.

                                              Brooke (To herself as she applies make up)
  I’m too attractive for this. This life I have. It used to be, everything.  Just everything, the big office, my clothes, that fact I had it, you know?  IT  But it wears thin after a while.  You’re friends get married, they move along out of your life…and suddenly you’re alone and growing older and these kids they bring into the company every day get younger and younger and some how, through some mysterious process, I’m just a part of the office, that’s all I seem to have….is this office and my career. And I don’t know how or when that happened.  The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.  Other things fall by the wayside.   Here’s the thing.  I want to be successful, in all phases of my life, because that’s what true success is.  I’m going to have a marriage and a career and I won’t feel any guilt about it.  In fact, I refuse to feel guilt over my career just because I’m a woman.

                                              Cyber date voice
                            What brings you to Cyber date.Com?

                                               Abbey
Why am I here?  Well,  I’m here because all the good ones are taken

                                               Milt (To the audience)
                  All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken

                                              Brooke (To the audience)
I’ve tried blind dating. I’ve tried it so many times, I should get a free dog.  There was this one guy who was…

                                               Kent
                                              So ugly ………

                                               Brooke
……..so I asked ‘and which dwarf are you?’ and that’s when he got angry and waddled away ….

                                               Eugene
……..she was proof that you don’t need to understand anything to argue about it

                                               Emily
………He bought me a microwave as a present

                                              Brooke
 ………….a gift certificate for weight watchers

                                               Eugene
 ……………..and then she throws back her head and roars “God!  Isn’t Prozac great!"

                                               Kent
 …….and I’m sitting there thinking ‘If I throw stick maybe she’ll chase it and I’m out a here’

                                               Grace
 ……..and then he says ‘I need to use this two- for- one coupon before it expires” 

                                              Sal
 …………I saw what she was wearing and the first question that came to mind was “Who shot the couch?”

                                              Abbey
 ………..and then he turned and whispered to me “I saw this movie with my wife last week”

                                              Kent
……………….she didn’t actually wear perfume, she sort of marinated in it.
                                 
                                              Grace
     ……….we all have a right to be ugly, but he was abuse of privilege

                                              Eugene
…………throughout the entire date, she had this look on her face, like a hen trying to pass a razor blade

                                              Milt
  …………I’ve seen wounds better dressed than that woman

                                              Brooke
…………..and I was sitting there think ‘I’m a human from earth, and what planet are you from, you little round Yoda person you?”

                                              Brooke
I tried the singles bars.  It’s discouraging.  The only difference between singles bar and the circus is that at a circus the clowns don't offer to buy you drinks.

                                              Emily
 All that men in singles bars want is sex.  What makes men chase women they have no intention of having a relationship with?

                                              Abbey
 Probably the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

                                              Brooke (Applying lipstick)
One night stands?  Ha!  A man made that term up.  Its false advertising.  Most men can’t last an hour.  But when I did have one-night stands, I tried to make them all meaningful 

                                              Emily
 Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 
                                              Abbey
                 Because those men already have boyfriends.

                                              Cyber date voice
                          Write a catchy phrase for your profile

                                              Milt (Happily types)
                                  Willing to share the remote!

                                              Abbey (Types)
       Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

                                              Brooke (Types happily)
                            Willing to lie about how we met

                                              Cyber date voice
                                      What is a bad thing about you?

                                              Grace Types
                                  I get drunk on three drinks 

                                              Cyber date voice                                    
                                       What is a good thing about you?

                                              Grace Types (Thinks for a moment and then types)
                                     I get drunk on three drinks!

                                              Cyber date voice
                                    What do you want out of life?
                          
                                              Emily
         Well to start with, a written apology would be nice and much overdue

                                              Cyber date voice
                                        Do you want children?

                                              Brooke (Sweetly)
     No thank you.  If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

                                              Cyber date voice                         
                      How would you describe your relationship life so far?

                                              Sal (Types)
                     Successful. I have never failed at a relationship.

                                              Sal (To the audience)
                         I’ve just found 10,000 ways that make them not work
                    
                                              Cyber date voice
                                             Are you domesticated?
                                            
                                              Brooke
No, and I never will be. When was the last time a man made love to a woman because the house was spotless?

                                              Milt (Reading)
                                      Are you erotic or kinky?

                                              Grace (Reading screen)
                                           What’s the difference?

                                              Kent
                                       Erotic, you use a feather

                                              Brooke
                               Kinky, you use the whole chicken
  
                                              Grace (reading)
                          Are you getting all you can out of life?

                                              Grace (to the audience)
 I don’t think you should live life to get all you can out of it, I think you should live life to put all you can into it.

                                              Eugene
                       I think our lives are what we think it is

                                              Cyber date voice                                       
                         What do you want out of a relationship? 

                                              Emily
Sometimes I think that instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a man I don't like and let him run a stake through my heart.  I know what I don’t want; I don’t want to have to treat the man in my relationship like a reluctant draftee.

                                              Milt
                                I just feel that no partner in a love

                                              Abbey
………relationship should feel that they have to give up an essential part of themselves

                                              Kent
……………..  To make the relationship work.
  
                                              Emily
 ……..I think we’re all little weird in some way, and life's a little weird.  And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

                                              Cyber date voice
                        Do you enjoy your occupation?

                                              Milt
 I don’t work anymore.  The greatest responsibility in my life now is to pretend I don’t know who my grandchildren are when they come to the door on Halloween. 

                                              Emily
 This isn't an office.  It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.  I spend 8 hours a day in a cubicle smaller than my bathroom at home and then it’s home to the kids. Four of us in a two bedroom apartment.  But, mustn’t come across as negative

                                              Emily (Smiling broadly she types)
                Of course!  I’m enamored with my career

                                              Grace (Typing)
…..And I said “Of course I know how to copy a computer disk!  Where is the Xerox machine?” and that’s when they let me go

                                              Sal (Reading screen)
"Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem in the world today?”  I don’t know.  Who cares? .

                                              Cyber date voice                                    
                      Describe your living arrangements.

                                              Abbey (Types)
                      Life has arranged for me to live alone

                                              Eugene
                                         El Solo Mio

                                              Grace
 Just me.  And it’s such a big house when you’re all alone.  I know I should leave, but ….I can’t…..so much of me is here.  This may sound horrible to you and you’ll think I’m just a gosh awful person, but I’m not looking for a great romance.  I had that, with my husband, one of the finest men who ever lived.  I would just like some companionship.  And I know that’s just awful, but…..just not…. to be alone at a restaurant.  Someone to watch TV with.  I had the true love of my life.  Now I need to have another sort of true love.  A person who understands me as I am now. When I was very young, I believed that true love meant holding hands, now I think it consists of holding hearts.


                                              Milt
I live alone.  When Ida died, I moved out of the house to this apartment.  I thought it would be, you know, the healthy thing to do.  We lived there, at the house, for almost fifty years. I got it on the GI Bill. Our children were raised there.  But I don’t want to live in memories.  I look at this as a new phase in my life.  I’ve had a lot of phases.  I was a child, a son, a solider…I wasn’t very good at that….a husband, a father. Then the day came when I had to admit that it was time to change from being a father. Now, you’re always Dad to your kids, but the time comes when your kids get the chance to be called Dad by their kids and your job is to step aside…it’s not an easy thing to do.
   You know when you hear people say “Life is hard”? Well, I think what they may be talking about is change. Change is a part of life and change is hard. It’s easy to stay where you are in life
  But things have changed and the most effective way to cope with change is to help create it.  So, now, in this new phase, I’m a city dweller and a grandfather.  I take classes, photography and I’m learning Spanish!  It’s a new life and, it would be nice to share the new discoveries with someone.  I’m looking for someone because age does not protect you from love, but love can protect you from age.

                                              Emily
I live with the kids, which is sort of like living alone.

                                              Sal
I live alone. It’s very hard for me to be alone.  I don’t do alone well. I’m a people person.  I come from a big Italian family. People all over the place. When I was a kid, I used to wish that for just one minute in the bathroom without somebody banging on the door “What happened?  What’d  you do?  Fall in?’ now….it’s just…it’s empty.  Divorce?  What can you say?  It’s awful.  You die a little bit from it.  That’s sounds like strong words, but I believe that inside of my heart…it kills a little part of you.   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
  I guess what I’m saying is this…..to live without being loved or giving love, its not really living its just like…surviving and frankly, I’m scared.  I’m man enough to say that too. I don’t care what people think. I’m scared. I mean,  it scares you, when you think that you could end up dying alone.
  I wish I could talk more about how I feel, about what I’m going through.  I don’t know, I think, I think that the most important things are the hardest to say, because words just make them seem not as important as you feel inside yourself..  What kind of world is this?  I mean who’s in charge?  Who do I talk to about this?  Who makes the rules anyway?  You know, if your in a crowded elevator and say ‘I hate so and so and I wish he die’ everybody laughs but if you say ‘I’m sad and I hurt and I need a hug’ everybody moves to one corner of the elevator…trust me on this, I know”  

                                               Cyber Date.  Com Voice
                         Do you ever think of your former lovers?

                                               Eugene
………there was Sally.  She read a lot.  She also use to laugh during sex.  So I made her put the book down

                                               Abbey          
……there was Kyle.  I chased him for two years and when I finally got him, I realized we were both after the same thing, single available men

                                               Brooke
……….then there was Scot, he was a terrible lover...He actually gave me Anti-Climax.
                                
                                               Eugene 
……then there was that biker chic.  Once, I asked her if she brought protection with her and she pulled out a switchblade 
            
                                               Kent
…………you sleep with a woman once and before you know it, she wants you to take her to dinner.  Talk.  Kiss.  It doesn’t end.
                                
                                               Brooke
……and Mario, oh Mario.  I broke it off with him because we had no future.  He begged and moaned but I didn’t feel bad for him he still had his wife to go home to

                                                Abbey
             If a cheating married man speaks alone in the forest, is he still lying?

                                               Cyber date voice
                                            What are your views on sex?

                                               Milt
                         I don’t know anything about sex, I was always married
                        
                                               Grace (Sheepishly)
                           I love sex.  It’s free and it doesn’t require glasses

                                               Emily
I knew I had lost all interest in sex when I didn't think twice about taking the batteries out of my vibrator to replace the dead ones in the TV remote.
                             
                                               Brooke
I sincerely believe that the only reason man first walked upright was to free his hands for masturbation

                                               Eugene
I don’t think masturbation is so bad.  If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter (he makes his arms very short)             

                                               Brooke
Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms.  If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency.
                              
                                               Emily      
Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.  If a man isn’t thinking with his penis then he’s acting on its behalf

                                               Abbey
Did you know that whenever women catfight, men think it's going to turn into sex?
                             
                                               Eugene (Wistfully)
                                          Yeah. Wouldn’t that be great?

                                               Brook
You know, I have never understood the male obsession with lesbianism - a whole area of sex with nothing for them to do.  Just answered my own question, haven't I? 

                                               Cyber date voice                                                
                                               How often do you date?

                                                Abbey (To herself )
My mother wrote these questions didn’t she?  That woman is the travel agent for guilt trips.

                            Abbey's Mothers sympathetic voice off stage
                             Muska, darling, why aren't you married yet?

                                               Abbey
What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
You know what the difference is between a Rottweiler and my Mother?  Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

                                               Cyber date voice
                                         What are your core beliefs?

                                              Brooke Types
I believe that there are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.  I believe that there are, in fact, times when two wrongs do make a right.

                                               Cyber date voice
                                              Are you in shape? 

                                              Abbey                                               
                                                 Yes

                                               Abbey to the audience
                                            Round is a shape.

                                               Emily (Types proudly)
                                            I have the body of a god.
                      
                                               Emily (To herself)
                                              Buddha.

                                              Cyber date voice
                                    Are you decisive in your love life? 

                                               Emily to the audience
           It’s not that I’m indecisive.  It’s just I’m never sure what I want.

                                              Brooke (typing with enthusiasm) 
…….and those are my core beliefs.  If you don't like them, I have others!
                                   
                                              Cyber date voice
                               Will you bring your mate breakfast in bed?

                                              Brooke (Much to sweetly and with a broad smile)
                       Yes, if my mate sleeps in the kitchen, I will.

                                               Cyber date voice                                             
                                      Do you keep a healthy diet? 
                            
                                               Abbey (types)
      No.  Enjoy life.  Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic

                                               Eugene (types)
                       My philosophy, when in doubt, smother in chocolate

                                               Emily (Reading screen)
Do I keep a healthy diet?  No and it's called DIET because all the other 4-letter words were taken.

                                              Cyber date voice
                 How do you feel you should be treated in a relationship?

                                              Brooke Types
             Don't treat me any differently than you would treat any other Goddess

                                              Cyber date voice
                                  What’s you body type?

                                              Emily To herself (hangs her head)
                   Body type?  Three kids.  Even my clothes have stretch marks
                                                                
                                              Cyber date voice
                 What physical attributes do you look for in your mate? 

                                             Abbey  (Types)
   I’m not hung up on physical attributes….another words, if you’re breathing, you’re in.

                                              Cyber date voice
                             What do you think love is?

                                              Abbey (To audience)
                                    I think love is blind

                                              Brooke (Doing her nails)
                        If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular? 

                                              Emily (looking in a mirror)
                                God, please let love be blind

                                              Cyber date voice
                          What do I want out of a relationship?

                                             Emily (To herself)
  Revenge.  No, I better not write that.  Right now, for me, love is like this awful dying sound, like when a violin plays a sad song.  What I want love to be is like….a loud jazz band.  Well, that came out wrong, but you know what I mean?  So I go on hoping, but you know, hope can drive you crazy.

                                             Abbey (Reading screen)
    What do I want out of a relationship?  I want to be secure and happy enough that I’ll stop holding in my stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

                                              Cyber date voice
                      What should your ideal date look like? 

                                              Emily Types
            Not conventionally good-looking is okay

                                              Brooke
                     Devilishly handsome

                                              Abbey
                             Talks sweet

                                              Brooke
                             Talks dirty

                                              Grace
            His favorite pallor game will be scrabble

                                              Brooke
                               Strip poker

                                              Emily
              The ability to dress himself would be good.

                                              Brooke
                The ability to undress me would be better
                      
                                              Abbey
                        Dresses with style

                                              Grace
                            Remembers to dress

                                              Abbey
                                  He’ll have compassion

                                              Emily
 He’ll be kind.  He’ll touch me when I talk to him and I won’t have to ask him to do it.

                                              Grace
                                      He’ll look me in the eyes

                                              Brooke
                   He’ll know my eyes are not on my breasts

                                              All
                     An imaginative, romantic lover

                                              Grace
                  Breathing is good, I’d settle for breathing           

                                                All
                                  He should be handsome

                                              Emily
                                   Shaves on weekends

                                              Grace
                     Remembers it’s the weekend!

                                              Emily
                     Remembers to put the toilet seat down

                                              Abbey
                     Remembers my name on occasion

                                             Grace
                    Remembers his name on occasion

                                              Brooke
                    Has an outrageous sense of humor!

                                              Grace
                     Remembers why he laughing

                                              Abbey
              Appreciates a really good home cooked TV dinner!

                                              Grace
 I want to wake up next to someone and the first thing I think to do is smile

                                              Emily
 Someone that brings a smile to my face when they come to mind in the middle of the day.

                                              Brooke
 Good looking, smart, educated, witty You know something, the more I think about it, I'm really just looking for someone like myself, only male.

                                              Cyber date voice
                         What do you want from a romance?

                                             Abbey
                                      I just want…….

                                              Brooke
                                     to be heard……..

                                              Emily
                                  and to be understood….

                                              Grace (To audience)
                              And to have someone to hear and understand

               Lights off on the women and centers on the men 

                                              Eugene (reading)
                            What is your sexual orientation?

                                              Eugene (Types)
 Straight, I’m not bisexual because I couldn’t bear rejection from both sexes

                                              Cyber date voice
                               Are you domesticated?
                                        
                                               Sal
Of course!  Why, my second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first is having a hot poker pushed in my eyes.

                                              Cyber date voice
                       What is your position on religion?

                                               Eugene (To audience)
       I’m open to every religion, except atheism.  Not enough holidays.

                                              Milt
I guess I’m religious, but I don’t attend.  Going to service doesn't make you spiritual any more than going to a garage makes you a car.
                   
                                              Cyber date voice
                          How often do you date?

                                              Milt (Types)
                    My back goes out more than I do.

                                              Cyber date voice
                                 Are you unique? 

                                              Eugene (Types)
         I’m unique - just like everyone else!  I’m one in a million.
                               
                                              Eugene (To audience) 
                Of course, that would mean there’s 1000 of me in China
                                                               
                                              Cyber date voice
                                 Are you a good cook? 

                                              Eugene
                    Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

                                              Kent
                   I don’t cook food.  I sort of assassinate it

                                              Milt
                               Burnt to perfection!

                                              Cyber date voice
                                       Do you exercise?

                                              Milt
No.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
I'm not into exercise.  My philosophy is no pain, no pain.  So, when I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away.  I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did and the only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again and if walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
                           
                                              Eugene  (To the audience)
 I go to the gym.  That’s all you have to say really “I go to the gym” To 90% of the world, the physical act of simply going to the gym is enough to prove your athletic prowess.  Most people couldn't care less that the real reason you went to the gym was because they started selling donuts there.  When you go to the gym, you get to talk about going to the gym.  It's a great conversation to have on the bus, at work, church, during a hostage-taking, etc.  What's great is that people don't even care what you do at the gym - they're impressed no matter what you did there.

              Lights off on the men and on again over the entire cast
                                
                                              Brooke
Men!  If they had their way, breaking up would consist of a smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, Honey, you'll get 'em next time"

                                              Kent
                           And that would be wrong because?

                                              Emily (lost in thought)
  The marriage wasn’t all-bad.  Most of it was good.  I don’t know what drove him to cheat on me……. again and again and again and again.  We had a good sex life.  He named my breasts.

                                              Brooke
(Thinking of the past, smiling and then laughs a little)
                                       He named his penis.

                                              Abbey
                             Why do men name their penises?  

                                              Emily
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.  I don’t really miss sex.  I miss love.  Nobody ever died from lack of sex.  You can from lack of love.  At the end, we didn’t talk anymore, twenty years of marriage, and now we can’t even talk to each other anymore like civilized human beings.  Men.  Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women.  I know, I know, guys have feelings too.  But like...who cares?  I like sex, I love sex, I miss sex.  Our sex life was great, it was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette afterwards.  It’s just that women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.  Men are perverts.  Like I think about the guy who discovered you could get milk from cows, what in the hell was he doing when he explored that option?
                          
                                              Eugene
Just a thought here, if a cow laughs really hard when he’s eating , does milk come out of his nose?

                                              Sal
Sometimes I think my sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Women.  It’s a hell of way to end things.  To say goodbye and detest each other.  How it ends, is everything

                                              Grace
  How it ends is just a point in the journey.  The last time I saw my Bill, he was dying of cancer. Those goddamned cigarettes. Those goddamned cigarettes.  He had tubes running…

                                              Milt
 ………. Into every part of her body and she was so gaunt and colorless.  

                                               Grace
I kissed him on his forehead and then, a while later he died.  He just died. (She stops and looks at the audience for an explanation) Well, for the longest time, that was all I had to remember him by, my husband, my love, that dear, strong, gentle man, in that hospital bed with all those tubes.  It is an odd thing that only when you see people in your life looking ridiculous or in pain that you realize how much you love them 

                                              Milt
 Now, with some distance behind me, I don’t think that’s important any more. That day and the horrible picture it left me of my bride. It’s not important. I don’t think the way we say goodbye is important.

                                              Grace
 The time we spend together on this earth, and how we spent that time, sharing the difficulties and the joys of this life, that’s important.

                                               Eugene (To the audience)
 Sometimes I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.  Is that wrong?
                                                      
                                              Grace
I’ve learned this much.  The important moment in life isn’t one thing, it’s a lot of moments rolled together. You need perspective.  You need to become old to truly understand that..  Young people are so frightened of old age. (A smiles comes to her face, she holds up a finger as if to tell someone something funny and important)
 I was napping on the sofa the other day, and my granddaughter was worried that I was dead. (She laughs)   I used to think, when I was younger, that one day I would wake up and I would be in old age.  But there is no old age, or middle age or even youth, there’s just………….You.

                                              Milt
               Still, I’m proud that in dog years, I should be dead


                                              Grace (To the audience)
You see wrinkles on me, I don’t.  I see the place where smiles have been, anger, fear joy, emotions, PASSIONS!  the stuff of life.  I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that!

                                              Milt
 But you do grow old.  There’s little signs along the way that tell you you’re getting old.  Like you and your teeth don’t sleep together anymore, you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

                                              Grace
              Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

                                               Milt
   Suddenly, the pharmacist has become your best friend.  You finally find something you've been looking for, but can't remember why you wanted it.  Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.

                                              Grace
You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.

                                              Milt
             Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

                                            Grace
                    What were we talking about?

                               Four-second pause

                                              Milt
                                            I forget.

                                              Grace
      The other thing about getting older is, you often repeat things.

                                             Milt
         and your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

                                              Grace
    You see, the great secret that some of the aged know, is that you really haven't changed in seventy or eighty years.  Your body changes, but you don't change.  You’re still you.

                                              Milt
                     We’re always the same age…..  inside. 

                                              Grace
 I'm not interested in age at all nor am I interested in those poor, lost souls who insist on telling me their age or asking me my age.  You're as old as you feel.  Besides, I’ll be never be old.  Not as long as there is some one always 15 years older than I am..
 Look, you can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.  In as long as you find company in yourself and your pursuits, you cannot feel old, no matter what your years may be.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, yes, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
                       
                                              Milt
This I’ve learned….happiness in life is rarely something you experience, it's something you remember. As for regrets, I have regrets over my failures, but I think we’re all failures, at least the best of us are.  The world is made of people who are always a day and a dollar short.  We just don’t talk about it with each other, that’s all. You grow old when regrets take the place of dreams.  Age wrinkles the body.  Forgetting how to dream wrinkles the soul.  When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single dream I didn’t dream or try to make true or a talent I didn’t try to use.  That way when I can look at the good Lord I can say “So God, my friend! I used everything you gave me. That’s the best I got ”

Lights off slowly and softly to a fade of darkness

                                                   ACT 2


Light on.  All the characters are smiling, excited, and ready to begin Cyber dating 

                                              Cyber Date voice
Congratulations Cyber daters!  You are now ready to enter the exciting world of
On line romance!  

                                             Abbey
                        Well, here I go

                                               Milt
                       This is going to be fun

                                              Grace
           I’m sure I’ll met interesting and nice people

                                              Eugene
                        This is gonna suck.

                       Light on Abbey, listening to an off stage male voice
I like to cook and have sex too, but not at the same time

                       Light on Kent listening to an off stage angry Female voice
Note!  Liars, psychos, and married men stop here.  This ad is not for you!

                     Light on Grace listening to an off stage young male voice
    My idea of the perfect first date?  Well let’s start off with a stop at the liquor store for some cigars, condoms, and wine and then we roll from there…..

                                              Silky Male voice
         Let's do breakfast tomorrow.  Should I call you or nudge you? 

                                                 Off stage Southern Voice Male voice
Book last read?  "The South Was Right.”  Should be required reading in our pubic schools.

                                               Off stage Ditzy Female voice
         Book last read?  I don't like to read.  Last thing I read was this profile page.

                                             Off stage Female voice
About me and who I'd like to date.  I am still quote "involved" with my baby’s father.  I hope that I can find someone to help me get over that.

                                               Milt
                                            Oh my

                                               Off stage Male voice
                   I'm into the local hip-hop scene but, hey, who isn't?
  
                                               Off stage Angry female voice
will party and go out with my friends without you, and I expect you to do the same

                                                Off stage Dumb Male voice
  I have manners and I love my mother.  I also can hold a conversation, even with myself

                                                  Off stage  Falsetto Male voice
My name is Nomi and I am a Transsexual Adult Actress/Model, please don’t message me if you’re horny
  
                   Light on Milt listening to an angry female voice
Let me make one-thing clear gentlemen!  I am a lady first and foremost and will be treated as such!  By God almighty, I swear I will! 

                                               Milt
                                          Oh my.

                                             Off stage Female voice
            I enjoy hanging out in bars on the weekends.  I also like bondage.

                                  Light on Milt listening to a male voice
I am a transsexual living a total female lifestyle.  I am looking for a special man that is loving, caring and does not mind a little extra woman ………..

                                              Milt
                                           oh my

                                               Off stage Southern female voice
Take me to the carnival show, show me how a lady should be treated and I’ll show you how a man should be rewarded

                                              Off Stage Dumb Female voice
     Speaking of traveling, I love to go places at the drop of a hatpin.

                              Light on Milt listening to an offstage female voice
To understand something very clearly, you’ve got to get out of there.  An insect that is born inside a mango will never be able to tell what a mango is until it gets out into the world.

                                                Milt
                         An insect and a mango…what?

                                               Off stage Male voice
                   I'm senile most of them time.  I hope that’s not a problem

                   Light on a confused Eugene listening to an off stage female voice
I have two children and am currently pregnant, they all have the same father.  It seems when I get pregnant, he feels the need to go lay up with someone else.  Therefore I am through dealing with it, so I placed this ad and……

                     Light on a confused Sal listening to an off stage spacey Female voice
                              I like guys who wears eye shadow

              Light on an expressionless Brooke listening to an off stage nerdy male voice
                        I use to have a cat.  He puked all the time

                     Light on a surprised Kent listening to an off stage female voice
I am pregnant and due in August but other than that I am a very outgoing person with a good sense of humor, I love to be spontaneous.  But I’m not looking for a serious relationship
                        
                          Light on a Emily listening to an off stage sullen male voice
                 I have not seriously dated a woman since I was shot in 1999.


                           Light on Grace listening to an off stage deep male voice
Where are you my sweet dark chocolate Queen, I've been waiting for you

                                               Grace
                                               Oh my.

                           Light on Milt listening to an off stage deep male voice
Where are you my sweet dark chocolate Queen, I've been waiting for you

                                             Milt
                                          Oh my.

                     Light on a confused Eugene listening to an off stage dumb female voice
I’m a 34 yr old single mother of 3.2 children, all living at home.  Except the other one who doesn’t live here.

                      Light on a confused Kent listening to an off stage female voice
                      I am looking for a single man whom is single

                     Light on Abbey listening to an off stage sickly male voice
I am a 23 year old, recovering exceptionally well from a spinal fusion surgery and serious separation anxiety issues

                    Light on an expressionless Brooke listening to an off stage male voice
                                …but my preference is shot guns.

                                               Off stage Female voice
My idea of a perfect date?  To sit and ponder about the amazing love of God Almighty towards mankind! Oh by the way, if you don't have experience with tongue-speaking Holy-Ghost people, then I am not for you.


                         Light on Brooke listening to an off stage Foreign guy’s voice 
Hello my name is Karim!  I am a Berbere of Algeria.  I am a single. Yes? I work in an office of which is occupied of the expenditure of the social security.  I am cool, baby, can you dig this?  In general I like to have fun dancing the rockn' roll and the tango especially.  I also like to make sport when I have time, jogging, picnic, cycling, and the bowling football

                   Light on Grace listening to an older mans voice
My hair used to be between my neck and shoulders.  Luckily they were able to transplant most of it back on top of my head after the fire

                       Light on confused Milt listening to an off stage female voice
                                         I’m bio-sexual

                      Light on Abbey listening to an off stage dopey Male voice
I'm like half-Chinese, half -White and half-Australian and like I'm a collage student
No wait…oh yeah, never mind….no, I mean….um

                     Light on Kent listening to an off stage western female voice 
   I’m just an ole country girl-- been known to speak my mind.  I might be the best friend you will ever have or the worst enemy ever made

                  Light on Abbey listening to an off stage young male voice
I like to hang out with my friends, get drunk, go into the woods, and shoot stuff.

                     Light on Grace listening to an off stage male voice
    Favorite things?  Rap, and in my spare time I write, "Thug poetry"

                     Light on Eugene listening to an off stage female voice
About me and who I'd like to date?  Must Love Jesus Christ - Must Love Jesus Christ Must Love Jesus Christ - Must Love Jesus Christ Must Love Jesus Christ - Must Love Jesus Christ Must Love Jesus Christ

                    Light on Kent listening to an off stage female voice
      The first thing people usually notice about me?  My ghetto butt.

                 Light on Brooke listening to a male voice
      I'm really not as "high strung" as this ad makes me out to be.

Lights off

Lights on.  All the characters are sitting staring blankly into the audience, shell shocked, mortified, mouth open, and eyes wide.  Abbey has her head buried in her hands.
                                    
                                              Kent (glaring at his screen in disbelief)
                          What the hell was that all about?

                                             Abbey (Wails)
                                          Oh God!

                                            Brooke
Maybe a national aerial spraying of Prozac isn’t such a bad idea.  I’m gonna die alone.  I just knew it!   Of course, now I think that may not be such a bad thing. 
   When you go in search of honey, you have to expect to be stung by bees.  But that was like the entire hive fell on my head.

                                              Emily
Favorite pastimes include skydiving?  Bungee jumping?  Rock climbing?  Motorcycling and hang gliding? What is wrong with these people?

                                             Abbey
They’re all Germanic Uber kids on steroids with a death wish.  I’m scared.  This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.  As God is my witness I must have read the line…….

                                            Brooke (Bored)
                   ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this!”

                                           Eugene
                            Ten million times

                                               Milt (Bored)
                   “Looking for a new partner in crime!”

                                               Grace (Head in hands)
                              “Are you the one?”

                                              Sal (Bored)
                          “Looking to meet new people!”

                                             Emily (Bored)
                                   “Just Curious”

                                              Milt (Head in hands)
                     “I'm the one your mother warned you about”

                                              Brooke 
            What I’ve learned is that surfing the web for romance ….

                                              Eugene
               …….Is that it requires knowledge of the web language

                                             Abbey
              As an example “Neat and Tidy” means
             
                                             Eugene
                                   Anal retentive.

                                             Brooke
                                 “Kids OK” means
             
                                               Emily
                        My kids, okay, yours, no.

                                              Brooke
           I want a woman who isn't a gold digger means

                                              Eugene
                I'm so poor you'd be wasting your time.

                                              Brooke
                             “Sensual” means

                                              Grace (Angry)
                         I have a dirty mind.

                                              Brooke
                            Open-minded

                                              Emily
I'd eventually like to have sex with all your girlfriends as well as with you.  Later, maybe even with your pets....

                                                Brooke
                              “Persistent” means

                                                Sal
                If you try to dump me I'll stalk you.

                                              Brooke
                                “Affectionate”

                                              Eugene
                         I grope women in public.

                                              Brooke (Forthrightly)
                                “Forthright”

                                              Abbey
                  If I think you're ugly, I'll say so...

                                              Brooke (Intensely)
                               “Intense”

                                               Emily
                           I demand attention.

                                               Brooke (Enthusiastically)
                              “Enthusiastic!”

                                               Grace
                            I snort when I laugh.

                                                Brooke
                      “ Look younger than my age”

                                              Emily
                      I'm looking for a much younger woman.

                                              Brooke
                                “Some people say I’m attractive”

                                             Emily
                              Mom never lies...
                               
                                               Brooke
                         “Loves to unwind means”

                                              Grace

                            Drinks too much.

                                             Grace
                             “I drink regularly” means

                                              Brooke
                            I'm an alcoholic.

                                              Brooke
                           “Culturally attuned”

                                              Emily
                       I frequent Asian prostitutes.

                                              Brooke
                               “Carefree”

                                             Emily
                           Don't expect fidelity.

                                              Brooke
                                 “Articulate” means

                                               Sal
                         Can't shut me up.

                                               Brooke
                                               “Witty!”

                                               Abbey
                             I laugh at my own jokes.

                                               Brooke
                            “Receding hairline”

                                               Milt
                                              Bald.

                                              Brooke
                               “Feminine”

                                              Kent
                    You can pay for everything

                                             Brooke
                                  “Sensitive”

                                              Milton
                                  Neurotic

                                               Brooke
                                        “Great body”

                                              Abbey
                                    No personality

                                               Brooke
                               “Well preserved”

                                              Emily
                         Surgically enhanced

                                               Brooke
                                 “Vivacious!”

                                               Milt
                  You'll never get a word in

                                              Brooke
                                 Hap..Hap…Happy!!

                                             Sal
                            On medication

                                              Brooke
                                    “Conservative”

                                             All the cast
                                             No oral

                                              Brooke
                                            “Focused”

                                              Abbey
       I'll keep calling until you change your number

                                              Brooke
                                           “Earthy”

                                             Grace
                     Boobs hang around my knees

                                              Brooke
                                           “ Intellectual”

                                             Milt
                                          Argumentative

                                             Brooke
                                      “Politically aware”

                                            Eugene
                                     I don't shave my legs

                                             Milt
                                     “Loves children”

                                            Eugene
                 She’s got five kids and needs a husband

                                            Sal
                        “Wonderful personality”

                                             Kent
                        She’s ugly and she knows it.

                                              Milt
                                “I understand men”

                                             Eugene
              She's been married and divorced four times

                                             Kent
                                  “A good sport”

                                              Sal
 She knows two hundred dirty jokes and can drink you under the table

  
Lights go off the cast and remain only on Kent and Eugene

                                             Kent (To the audience)
Anyone who isn’t confused in the romance department doesn’t really know what’s going on. In fact when it comes to romance, unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about because everything in romance a matter of misinterpretation

                                              Eugene
From what I can see, half the game of love is ninety percent mental and the other half is learning to listen. (Pauses) I don’t know, don’t listen to me, I don’t know what I’m talking about. (Buries his head in his hands) I’m so confused
                    
 Lights go on over the cast

                                             Emily
…men misinterpret everything we women say. We say one thing and men hear something else.

                                             Brooke
 They don’t understand us and we don’t understand them.  Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

                                              Emily
Or things they do, like, why do men touch and shift themselves in public? Don’t they know how it looks? If I had a penis I would never do that.

                                              Brooke
                 If I had a penis I’d be President of this corporation

                                             Brooke
                                 Men. They’re so…so… literal.

                                               Kent
Women. They never say what they mean. Like, when they say ‘I noticed you were almost asleep’ it really means

                                              Eugene
                                   “I need to talk”

                                               Kent
            When they say ‘Darling, we need to talk’ they mean

                                                Eugene
                   I have something to complain about

                                               Kent
                “Fine, do whatever you want dear” really means

                                              Eugene
                      You’ll pay for this later

                                               Kent
 When she says “I love it when you’re attentive” she’s really saying

                                             Eugene
                     You want sex don’t you?

                                               Kent
                 I’ll be ready in a minute!

                                               Eugene
     Means sit back and relax, this is going to be a while

                                               Kent
   “You have to learn to communicate” means

                                               Eugene
                 “You have to learn to agree with me!”

                                               Kent
                                  “I’m sorry” means

                                               Eugene
                               “And you’ll be sorry later”
                               
                                               Emily
             Men have their own language, when they say

                                               Brooke (deep masculine voice)
                   “Can I help with dinner?” really means

                                               Emily (Whining)
                                I’m hungry

                                              Brooke (deep masculine voice)

                “It would take to long to explain” really means

                                                  Emily
I don’t know how this thing works but I’ll be damned in hell if I’ll admit it.

                                               Brooke  (deep masculine voice)
                          I was listening, I heard you!

                                               Emily
                        I wasn’t really listening at all.

                                               Brooke (deep masculine voice)
                      Hon, take a break, you’re working to hard

                                               Emily
                 You keep walking in front of the TV when you clean

                                              Brooke (deep masculine voice)
                            That’s really interesting, dear

                                              Emily
                                 I’m not really listening

                                               Brooke (deep masculine voice)
                      You know how I forget things!

                                               Emily
 I can name every pitcher in the American League and know the words to the theme song from the Flintstones and Gilligan’s Island, but yet, magically, I forgot our anniversary.

                                               Brooke (deep masculine voice)
                              Little cut, no big deal

                                              Emily
           I’m about to pass out from the pain but I’ll be damned if I’ll admit that.

                                              Emily (deep masculine voice)
                                       I can’t find it!

                                              Brooke
  It didn’t fall from the heavens into my open arms so I want you to help me look for it.

                                              Emily (deep masculine voice)
                                  What did I do wrong now?
  
                                               Brooke
                                      Damn, you caught me

                                               Emily (deep masculine voice)
                                       I heard you the first time!

                                              Brooke
                          I didn’t hear you the first time

                                             Emily (deep masculine voice)
                           No wear that. That looks great!

                                             Brooke
                       I’m tired of waiting and I want to go.

                                              Emily
 You know what the fundamental difference is between men and women? The definition of sexy. To you men, it means having a smile like Cary Grant and a build like Adonis. That’s not sexy.

                                             Brooke
   For us, women, we base our lives around what we feel, not what we see and when we describe a guy as sexy we mean it’s the way he makes us feel

                                              Emily
          Women fall in love with our ears and not with our eyes.

                                              Grace
   We are what we are, we’re different from you. We’re going to be late. It’s a woman’s prerogative. Accept it and move along. If we feel like it, we will be late for everything. And we expect you to understand that. However, we reserve the right to  never understand or forgive you when you’re late. 

                                              Abbey
 Appreciate us for the effort we go through to be beautiful for you. Even if we’re not beautiful

                                             Brooke
We’re not born a size four…all right a size 6…..or have perfectly toned muscles or large breasts. We work hard to look nice.

                                               Emily
An attitude of gratitude is very sexy. It improves relationships. We not armed with your egos and the assumption of beauty  you guys have about yourselves. It helps our self-confidence to know that even if we know we’re not classically beautiful we’re still perfect to you.

                                              Brooke
 When our mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
                                  
                                              Milt
My wife use complain I never listen to her ...or something like that, I don’t know

.

                                               Emily
I will bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago. However, understand that anything we said months ago is inadmissible in any argument forever. All comments become null and void after seven days. However, this law does not apply to you. Your words can and will be held against you forever.

                                              Eugene
We don’t need to know, in fact, we don’t want to know, anything about the woman we stare at. We don’t care if she’s smart or dumb or if her outfit is cheap. We’re just staring and we don’t care. It’s like when a  dog  sticks his head out the car window for a better look. He doesn’t comprehend what he’s looking at, he’s just looking. It’s not a reflection on you. We love you, but its one of those things we do.

                                              Brooke
 If you want US to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, then YOU act like soap opera guys and yes, in fact it is mandatory to take those Cosmo quizzes together.

                                               Sal
We, the male species, don’t give a damn about clothes, matching colors, what’s in this year, or what clashes. We never have cared. We never will. And yes, I speak for all men everywhere on this subject.

                                              Grace
Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses do not lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at…and yes, we know you stare. And no matter how long you live, even after we’re dead, we expect you to remember what we were wearing on our first date.

                                             Sal
I’ll take you out to see a chick flick, but please, later on don’t ask me how it affected me or what my favorite part was. We don’t cry so don’t ask. And if on some occasion, we do cry, don’t ever, ever, everbring it up in conversation.

                                              Emily
                     Let us know what you're all about.

                                             Sal
Please don’t ask us what we’re all about. We know, but we don’t see any point in verbalizing it. Generally speaking, we are in a testosterone-induced fog, go with it, we mean well, and have our good points. So don’t tell us we’re warm and sensitive and blah, blah, blah. Tell us we’re funny. If men had it their way, the funniest guy in the office would be the CEO of every company in the world. Tell us “You crack me up” That’s a turn on. Also, we’re going to leave the toilet seat up and probably never replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty, and remember, 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

Pause. They all look at Sal.

                                            Sal (Defensively)
                             Well, they are! You can look it up!

                                             Brooke
Remember there's a fine line between being a nice guy and being a doormat - don't take any crap from us. And also, I will constantly claim I’m fat. You will constantly deny it.

                                              Eugene
  We don’t know what light panty liners are and we don’t want to know. And yes, I speak for every man on earth when I say this.  Please, we beg you, don’t ask us "Do I look fat?" And don’t get mad when we answer “Which part” we’re just trying to cooperate here.

                                               Brooke
 I will discuss my period in front of you and then watch you squirm.

                                              Kent
We think that all telephones should automatically cut off after ten minutes of conversation. The word “Balding” should never leave your lips

                                              Emily
I will always travel in groups of women, especially to the bathroom and you will never understand why. I will make you guess at what I want and then get mad when you guess wrong. I will cry. Learn to live with it

                                              Kent
We believe that the words “Leaves you feeling fresh” should be banned from all television commercials if not from the English language altogether

                                            Emily
 I will always leave out the good parts in stories.

                                             Kent
If you would like our complete attention during an important game consider appearing in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. And we’re not picky. It’s just that you women have a pretty long list in what you want in a mate. Our list is a lot shorter then yours. If a woman fails to meet say, one out of four, that’s it, we keep looking.

                                              Emily
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

                                               Brooke 
I will ignore you. When asked, 'What's wrong?'  I’ll answer “if you don't know, you're not going to tell you”

                                                 Kent
 We don’t expect you to be a virgin, but we don’t want you to have more sexual experience then us. And if we like you, we don’t want you to have sex with us to soon because we figure ‘if she did it with me so easily, she probably did with others’ It's a double standard. It’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.

                                             Eugene
Another thing about sex, believe it or not, we respect your desire to wait. We just complain about it because I think it’s a law between men or something, I don’t know…..

                                             Brooke
I’ll pretend I’m interested, lead you on and then feign ignorance when confronted, also, I am required to try to get you to dance

                                           Emily
 And dance well, which would mean not imitating a frog in a blender when your on the floor

                                             Eugene
                 I am not a bad dancer. I’m just really Caucasian.

                                               Kent
 We don’t want to hear the details of your past relationship, what went wrong, why it went wrong and above all else, we don’t want to hear about the last guys good points and we am not responsible for the bad stuff that some jerk did to you in the past. We are not guilty until proven innocent. Drop the anger.

                                             Eugene
When we get home from work at the end of the day and we grunt for an answer, we’re not angry at you, we’re not ignoring you, we’re not self-absorbed or uncaring. It just means we need time to veg out, we need a few minutes to recharge before we’re revived and ready to converse like a human again.

                                             Emily
 You will, at some point, blame everything on PMS, as will we. But only after you’ve been blamed first.

                                            Kent
The only difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull is that the pit the pit bull doesn’t wear lipstick.

                                             Brooke
             Whenever there is silence, I’ll ask 'What are you thinking?

                                               Kent
The only reason women like the silent type in men is because they think they’re listening.

                                              Eugene 
By all means, every now and then, treat us like a sexual object.  But don’t to often because after a while we don’t think it’s sexy, again double standard, but remember, we just make the rules we don’t explain.  

                                               Brooke (Smiling)
                       I intend to read into everything

                                               Emily (Smiling)
                                     I intend to cry.

                                              Brooke
                           My goal is to make you cry!

                                              Emily
    We’re different from you and we love it. The words we use often don't mean what they sound like they mean or what you’re Team thinks they mean.

                                              Emily
When we say we want a “real man” we don’t mean a guy who can beat up ten other guys while he watches a football game. That’s what you guys think is a real man. For us, a real man is someone who doesn’t have our insecurities, a man who has standards, who has experience in life, the good and the bad, a man who has humor, who is unpredictable. And you know what? We can recognize a real man instantly.

                                               Brooke
And we don’t want a guy to be a wimp. Not you’re team’s definition of wimp, but our definition of a wimp, which is a guy who tries to be what he thinks women want him to be.  Just be you. That’s what we want. 

                                               Abbey
Don’t do to much for us. Just because we want a man who is thoughtful that doesn’t mean we want you to shower us with gifts every time we see you.

                                               Grace
We want you to be sensitive but we want you to be strong willed. We want you to understand and not get all freaked out and when I’m emotional and petty, we want you to be cool and calm.

                                              Eugene
You want us to be macho and sensitive at the same time?  What are we talking here? A poetic trucker? What? I’m so confused.

                                             Eugene
Men are different from women and nobody understands anyone else. So deal with it already. In the end it doesn’t matter really. I think that in order to love someone you have to be ready not to understand a lot about them. You just accept and you give them the same room to be who they are, that you need to be who you are.


                                         Lights go off.


          Lights on Abbey and then Milt and Eugene as they speak 


                                               Abbey
 I worry a lot about being alone for the rest of my life. Lets face it, I’m not a beauty queen. I’m down on myself but a girl has to be honest about herself to herself. I’m no beauty queen but I’m a decent human being, I try to be anyway. (Sighs loudly)
 Life is hard and it‘s so difficult to avoid. I’ve made so may blunder so far…..and do you know what the worst fear is? That I’ll make the same mistakes again.

                                               Milt
Not to worry. If I had my life to live over again, I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. I believe the biggest mistake you can in this life is always fearing you’ll make a mistake. To do that is a …uh….well it’s a mistake….Young people, this I tell you, if you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. (He waves off an imaginary yesterday) I stopped worrying years ago. When I go to bed at night, I leave my troubles with God. (He shrugs) I figure he’s gonna be up all night anyway so…

                                                  Cyber date voice
                                          You have an email response

                                              Eugene (Reading)
Dear Eugene, I saw your photo and although you seem nice and please don’t take this the wrong way however I am not in to

                                               Abbey (reading)
                                                 Heavy set
                                  
                                               Eugene (reading)
                                                Men

                                              Abbey  (reading)
                                              Women

                                              Eugene  (reading)
                                              I’m really
                                
                                               Abbey (reading)
                                                Sorry

                                                 Eugene
                     and I don’t mean to be cruel but

Silence for seven seconds

                                              Abbey (reading screen)
                        Preference in women, thin

                                               Eugene (reading screen)
                            Preference in women, athletic

                                              Abbey (reading screen)
                         Preference in women, slender
                                            

Light is only on Abbey

                                                Abbey 
That’s it. I give up. I can’t win. (Looking up to heaven. She is growing angry ) Why did you make me fat?  You know you can do anything you want in the universe and all you do is throw mountains in our paths and valley’s to deep to climb out of…..
  Why are you so difficult?  What is your problem?  Is this all a joke to you? To make us all miserable? (She pauses)
   What? No clever come back? No ball of lightening? Big tough guy. You know what you are? You’re a bully. I hate you

 A message bell rings form Abby’s computer “You have a cyber date greeting”


Light goes on Eugene
                                   
                                              Eugene
                          Hi. I’m Eugene. I’m overweight.

                                              Abbey (Stops crying, takes a sexy voice and types)
                   Oh Eugene! Self-deprecation is such a turn on.

                             (Changes to her regular voice)
  
                    Not to worry. I mean, look at me. When I sing, its over.

                                                 Eugene
                       Ha! What’s your ideal weight?

                                                 Abbey
           To be slim enough to reach around to my back pocket.

                                                 Eugene
   Well, let me say, that underneath this flabby exterior…is a flabby interior.

                                                   Abbey
                 They'd pay me to put your clothes on in strip joint.

Abbey stands from her desk and walks around the stage

       .                                              Abbey (Speaking to the audience)
  Let’s take a moment and discuss fat people. Those words, fat people, makes skinny people uncomfortable. We know that’s what you call us, fat.  I mean, we’re fat not deaf.   I use the word fat because it is simple and descriptive. I’m not overweight. Overweight begs the question "Over what weight?"  I was reading an article no doubt written by a thin person that says sometimes fat people……

                                                (Points to herself)
  Such as muy, eat so much because they say it replaces loneliness. They even say it replaces sex.  Of course, if that were true I’d have a mirror put over my kitchen table.
 Loneliness? I don’t know about that. Sometimes fat is just fat. 
  What is true, is that I’ve never met a piece of chocolate I’d didn’t like….. but that doesn’t mean  “All fat people are compulsive overeaters." Compulsive eaters are people with eating disorders. A mild mental disorder. Simply being fat does not indicate the presence of an eating or a mental disorder. Because we’re fat it doesn’t mean we’re unstable. It just means we have a lot of weight.
    I freely admit to be a bottomless pit of needs and wants. But that has nothing to do with being fat. If I were skinny I would still be a skinny bottomless pit of needs and wants. A lot of things make you fat, like genetics and stress. In fact, stressed spelled backwards is deserts. A coincidence? I think not.
     Oh! And another thing, we’re not ugly. Beauty is a learned concept and do you know whose teaching it? The media, advertisers, and the diet industry. They sell the stuff and they set the standards. Know what else they sell? Dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction with our bodies and anything else they can toss out there to make a few bucks on.
  
                         (Stands up and slaps her self on the rear-end)
    Let's talk commodity. A women's sexual value, the core of our personal sense of self-worth, is a lot lower in fat women. We have much less sexual value than smaller women.
  Oh it’s true. It’s true. I feel angry about that and I feel bad about myself because my body is less valued than other women's bodies. But that’s the way it is.

                                      (Pinches her face)
    “You have such a pretty face, Boobala" or "Your such a great personality!"

                        (Sits down and picks a piece cake up and starts eating)
   Right.  The fact is, the majority of men won't look past my double chin and flabby arms, long enough to figure that I have those things too. And I do have those things. I’m pretty and I’m fun and I feel deeply for people and have great passions for those things I believe in. But……..I’m fat.

                      (Twists and distorts her face and sticks out her belly)
      I hate how the words "fat" and "ugly" are synonymous. But I almost  like the phrase because it implies the possibility of "fat and beautiful."  Or, better yet, thin and ugly.

                                       (Sits down and pats her stomach)
    Yeah, sometimes it awful being a fat girl. You never get asked to dance. And I love to dance! I’m a good dancer! So I dance a lot by myself in my room with the radio on.
Isn’t that sad?

                      (Pauses for several seconds and then pulls at her blouse)
   You can’t buy the clothes you like because they don’t make them in large sizes, so you end up buying crap you’ll never wear because you hate it.  I can’t find comfortable pants, shorts, and pajamas. And I have to pay more for clothes. How would you like that? How would you like to pay more for what you wear because of your size even though there are millions upon millions of people your same size all over the planet?
   Sometimes, it would be such a relief to be able disappear…… well, maybe not disappear, just not to be such a visible walking 'target' for people to project their aggression onto……like those stupid men who yell mean things out their cars passing by me. The worst part is, you're never alone when it happens. Other people hear it too, and all you can do is pretend like you didn't hear a thing. And you know your friends are standing there thinking, "I hope she didn't hear that..."

               (Places a bag of chips, and a six pack of soda on the desk)
 You know why fat people have so much food at home? Because when you go out to eat, you get this feeling that people are looking at you, paying attention to what I eat. I don't like the attention. How would you like it if I stared at you while you ate?
   I am so tired. So tired of wondering what people are thinking when I eat ice cream in public.
   You hate to eat or drink in front of anyone. You are afraid you’ll will be judged as pathetic if you eat a salad, or a disgusting pig if you eat a cheeseburger. What ever you chose to eat, you’ll be judged for it
You're fat. Food is your enemy. You wish you were invisible.
   The way people will look at you sometimes and then turn away with a look of smug disgust on their faces.
   You know what I really hate? I really hate those movie stars who used to be fat and then became thin and absolutely must be on the cover of every magazine ever printed. I hate weight loss surgery and I wish I could afford it.

                                               Eugene (To the audience)
  I hate it when people describe me "heavyset "  "large" "Overweight" "Kinda big" and, God forbid, "chunky"? I really, really hate being called Chunky. It reduces me to the status of a candy bar. Okay granted, a really good candy bar, but it’s the broader point that gets to me.
   But you know what I really hate? I hate hating my body. I hate all the energy that struggle saps out of me. I hate going through every day knowing I’m considered unattractive by a huge percentage of the population because of something I can’t help.
    When I was a teen I couldn’t ride lot of roller-coasters, and it just gets worse as you get older. Airplane and movie theater seats are too small. Not being able to fit in a booth at a restaurant. Feeling totally cramped almost everywhere you sit in public. Not fitting into seats or tight spaces and having to turn sideways to go through turnstiles and you know they’re watching, praying you’ll get stuck and it’s humiliating. You hate anything that calls attention to your size. Putting on seat belts and having to adjust them, a dozen things a day. You cringe every time you are about to look at photos of yourself. You know what's coming--the inevitable picture where you look like an enormous whale with fat people clothes on. You get made fun of on television, pointed out on the street by small children,

                                                 (Pauses)
    People think, that if you’re fat you must be stupid, lazy, and out of control. I am so sick of feeling that people judge me because of my size, fat phobics who say mean and cruel things right in front of me! Right in front of me! I’m sick of the weariness of constantly
being on guard for the words and actions of fat-phobes, I hate knowing that there are people out there who would think less of me because of my size.
    I hate being berated by my mother, “If you would just try to lose a few pounds, you could met a nice girl”    Look, if the qualification for any women to be nice to me if I weren’t fat, then I don’t want to know her. I’d rather be alone in this life

                                                 (Pauses)
        And frankly, so far, I’ve been very successful at being alone.

                                               (Pauses)                                                 
   I’m tired of my size being the focus of unwelcome attention and unprovoked verbal attacks and even by otherwise friendly well- meaning people who are “very concerned" about my "health" Bullshit. You just say things like that because it gives you a temporary feeling of being superior to me.

                                      (Pauses and regains his composure)
  What really drives me insane are the complete strangers who feel they have a right to speak to me in way about my body, whether it's "advice" or "insults" or rude "compliments.

                                                Abbey
   When you’re big, you develop and interesting inner self. I’m interesting and I’m nice but I’m not jolly. It’s a great word, jolly, but we’re not all jolly. I get pissed off just like you do over the same things you get pissed off at. Talk to me and find out.
   Please don’t misunderstand me when I talk about being fat. It’s not all negatives. I feel powerful and immovable. How many women can truly say that about themselves?  My size makes me less vulnerable then most women. A man will think two or three times before he raises a hand to me.

                                      (Stands up and strikes a pose)
 I have enormous boobs and a great big ass that some men love by the way. I have curvy hips and meaty thighs, a wonderful round face and soft skin. I have cleavage. Miles of it and I jiggle when I walk and I'm soft.  When I give my body to a man, I'm giving a lot.
  I can be a tender pillow for a sad friend, or a soft playground for an exploring lover. I like to wrap my big loving self around a friend or lover and give 'em that big warm smother love of a fat girl, I'm not usually worried about a guy being friendly just because they'd like to get me in the sack. Guys feel comfortable around big girls.

                                               (Grabs her breast)
                                 And best of all, I am totally buoyant!

                                      (To her self grabbing her breast)
                              I always knew these would come in handy.
       
                                               Eugene (patting his belly)
     I’m substantial. Can skinny people say that about themselves? My presence is certainly known when I enter a room. They can't ignore me, I'm not insignificant. I like yelling "Biggest butt gets the front seat," and not getting any argument.

                                (Pulls himself up to full height)
 Men are reluctant to piss me off and small people feel safe around me.

(He turns and looks across the stage at Abbey)

                                                Eugene
We are what we are and what we do with it, what we make of it, is up to us. I can’t change what I am, the way I am, so I’ll accept it. I’ll just be better in other things, that’s all.

                                                Abbey
                         Yeah. Me too. Can you hold on a minute?

                                                Eugene                                              
                                                 Sure

                         Abbey looks up to the heaven and shrugs 
                      Listen, really sorry about the whole “I hate you” thing….ummm PMS?            

She returns to her computer and types



                                                Abbey (To Eugene)
   So let me ask you this round wise person, do you think God forgives it when you say stupid things you don’t mean because you’re angry?  

                                                  Eugene
Yeah,. God’s strong. In fact, I think God’s a fat guy. A huge, enormous, big fat guy. And when he laughs his belly goes up and down.  He must be fat. Who less could think in his proportions?  I think he’s glad we make mistakes, because fat God knows that misplaced anger, even when we toss it up at him, is just passion. And he gave it to us. He gave us passion. He must want us to use it.  I don’t think God likes it when you live in fear of him.  I think that he would rather have you be disappointed in him and say so, then not to talk to him at all.  Anyway, I think God overlooks a lot, for his good and ours.

                                               Abbey
                                  Why don’t we meet?

                                               Eugene
  Because that’s what happens when you dead. You meet God, the only suck part of the relationship

                                               Abbey
               No, I meant me and you, why don’t we meet?

                                                Eugene
                         Yeah, sure, I would like that

                                               Abbey
                                       How’s Tuesday?                  

                                               Eugene
                                             Tuesday?

                                      Looks at the audience

                                               Eugene (Types)
                           I have to go to the gym….but alright, Tuesday’s good

Lights fade out

Lights on

                                                 Milt
Well so far, I’ve been emailed by a lonely transvestite, a Jew for Jesus, Jesus himself, a follower of satin…..those two should met

                                                Grace
Someone who wanted to date a MILF, whatever that is, a cowboy with a lisp

                                                Milt
             A sweet sugar Momma looking for a super sweet sugar daddy 

                                                 Grace
           A bored but yet interesting married couple in California

                                                   Milt
This is hard for me. I was married to the girl I dated in high school, 42 years, we were together. I’m proud of that. I’ve never really been a ladies man and I’m not outgoing, you know, in an outgoing sense.

Lights get dimmer

                                               Cyber voice to grace and Milt
                        There have been no replies to your email greetings

Light get dimmer
                                                 Milt
                                           I feel like a fool

                                             Grace sits in silence for several seconds

Lights get dimmer

                                                 Cyber voice
                                           You have no email greetings

Light is only on Grace
                                                 Grace (Whispers)
                                                   I feel like a fool.

                                      She sits in silence several seconds

Light goes on Milt and Grace

                                                 Milt
                                     Hello, I’m 74 years old and a widower. Is that all right?

                                   Silence for several seconds

                                                Grace (Laughs and types)
                                                   No!

                                                  Milt (resigned)
                                   Oh. All right. Sorry to bother you.

                                                Grace
(To herself) Oh for gosh sakes (Types) “Yes, of course it’s all right. What’s your name?”

Lights get brighter

                                                Milt
(To himself) What’s my name? (Panic pause) Oh wait! I know that one! (He waits a second and slap his forehead) “Milt, my name is Milt.”

                                               Grace
                                         Milt, I’m Grace

                                                Milt
Grace. That’s a pretty name. That’s a good name. I guess you’re not supposed to say womanly things are pretty anymore

                                                Grace
                               Tell me I’m pretty Milt, all day long if you like.

Lights get brighter

                                     AT THE SAME TIME
                                        “Its nice to meet you ”

                                              Grace 
So at 74, you think you’re old.? When I walk into an antique shop, they want to keep me.


Lets get brighter

                                              Milt
                You got troubles? If I acted my own age, I’d be dead.

                                              Grace
                       Milt, I was a waitress at the last supper

                                                Milt
                 When I was in school, there was no history class

Lights get brighter

                                               Grace
 I’m so old, now I wake up in sections.  The candles on my birthday cake cost more then the cake.

                                              Milt
                It takes me a week to get rid of a 24 hour flu

                                             Pause

                                              Milt
                                                So

                                             Pause

                                              At the same time
                                  “I hate meeting people this way”

                                              Grace
                                                  Ha!

                                               Milt
                                                 Ha!

                                               Milt
                                    Are you a grandparent yet?

                                               Grace
                                            Yes and you?

Light are very bright

                                                 Milt
                                Yes, it’s a wonderful thing isn’t it?

                                                Grace
                                                       It is

                                                 Milt
                        You get to spoil them and then you get to go home

                                                Grace
                                            How old are yours?
                                                                                      
Lights go off

Lights on Emily alone at her desk
                                             
                                            Cyber date voice
                 Hello Cyber dater!  You have an inquiry from Cyber dater Sal


She reads his profile for several seconds

                                              Emily
 Your profile says you’re separated and not divorced yet.  I’m sorry but there’s just too much baggage with that.  Really sorry.

                                              Sal
Okay, no problem, I understand completely.  In fact, that’s a smart move

                                               Emily
Look, I’m being mean or anything, it’s just that………….

                                               Sal
Hey, I understand.  Separated people, they got issues and suitcases

                                               Emily
                                   You mean luggage?

                                                Sal
Yeah, and that too.  Man, I hate this singles thing.  At my age and after 15 years of marriage, you just feel like you should get some sort of seniority rating, privileges of rank.  But you don’t.  You just have to start over again.  And I want to start over again, but I don’t want to you?  You understand that?. 

                                                Emily
                            Oh Brother!  Believe me I do!

                                                Sal
The thing is, I don’t know what happened.  Over the years, things steamrolled, and the next thing you know, the entire situation just went too far. 

                                               Emily
Yeah, and you don’t know how to make it stop or get it back to where it was.  And you’re so dug into you’re points, your principles on making him try understand that you don’t hear the other side anymore.  You want to go back to what things were and you can’t and know that even if you could it would never work and things would never be the same.  You just want it all to go away.  We went through so much together and most of it was his fault.  Still when it’s over, you’re shell-shocked and at the same time you feel like the whole world sees your failure

                                             Sal
                                    Your remorse



                                            Emily
                                           Guilt

                                             Sal
                                          Shame

                                              Emily
                             Oh!  Are you Catholic too?
                                 
                                             Sal
 I regret everything.  For these past two years, that’s all I’ve done, regret, regret, and regret some more.  I think the problem with that is, that you can get so caught up in regretting the past you start to forfeit the future.  What I resent is that I’m an intelligent, capable person, but I’m in this place that I don’t understand, I’m in over my head, I’m confused.

                                               Emily
                                  You mean about life?

                                               Sal
          No.  I mean divorce.  It doesn’t come with a roadmap
                                
                                              Emily
                                     Neither does life.

                                              Sal
                               You wish it did though, huh?

                                              Emily
Say, listen, about divorce and making sense out of it, I can tell you from my own life, you’ll never understand why you got divorced. And if you spend too much time thinking about it, you become a slave to trying to understand what happened. So when you give that up, all you start thinking s “Will I ever love again?”
          
                                            Sal
  Yeah, sure you will. I think you will.  I really do. I do think that if you have enough in you to suffer from love you have enough in you to love again.
  I know what you mean about thinking too much about what happened and the harm it caused. I regret so much is the harm I’ve done to my daughter. I may get over this, but she may never get over this.  She’s with my wife, which is good, she’ll bring her up better then I ever could, but I gotta say, she poisoned her against me and that bothers me. I think about that, like every five minutes. 
     I don’t mind that she declared war on me. I do mind that she drafted my child into the battle.  They live across the country.  Things just kind of dissolved.
   I never thought this would happen to me.  I always thought that divorce is what happened to some one else.
    When there’s kids involved, there is really no such thing as a no fault divorce.  You know what the most hurtful thing that was ever said to me was?  My little says to me one day ‘What about your love?’ and I said ‘It’s over, Princess’ and she says ‘No, Daddy I mean me” I felt like a knife got rammed in my stomach.  Divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you.
    I think my ex is crazy 

                                           Emily
  I think my ex is crazy. 
  The best marriages are the ones where both the husband and wife realize that good marriages take work and effort; they don't just happen to work out, they work out because you put work into them. 
   But easy divorce laws remove some of the incentive to make a marriage work but it seems like the second somebody feels like the marriage is holding them back…..bam! It’s over….I think a good law would be to make individual self-fulfillment illegal as grounds for a divorce. 

                                                  Sal
                                            Or a marriage.

                                                Emily      
I think the problem is that we believe in the divine right to personal happiness, the rule of self-love, to be enjoyed without effort, no matter what cost to others.  But what makes us think it’s such enlightened an idea?  All it does is to give the okay to withdraw from any relationship the moment our happiness appears less than perfect.
                
                                               Sal
Still, you wonder sometimes, why you try.  I mean we keep coming up empty handed and I’m not getting any younger and……but I keep at it because I think that someplace in the world there’s some one for me, that I have a lot to offer.  I’m a good man, I think. I don’t know, I try to be. I’m honest and I work hard and I try to do the right thing.  I don’t know, maybe I’m just looking for redemption.  I mean, that’s not the right reason to meet somebody, to prove you can do it right the next time.  So I dunno, maybe I’m just stupid.  

                                              Emily
No, I don’t think you’re stupid.  I think you’re brave and daring.  I think anyone who keeps trying when they fail because they’re certain in what they believe is a very brave and noble soul….unless it involves stalking or something weird like that
                                 
                                              Sal           
           Thank you.  That was a nice thing for you to say.
              
                                              Emily
                       Well, I’m a hopeless romantic

                                              Sal
 Hopeless romantics are only hopeless in the eyes of those who don't believe in romance.

                                              Emily
                        That’s so insightful.  That’s very deep

                                              Sal
                Yeah,  I read it on an ad for a movie.  ..  you like movies?

                                               Emily
I love movies, but I don’t go much anymore, it’s been years since I’ve been out to movie 

                                               Sal
                                      Yeah, same here

                                               Emily
I have kids, it’s expensive, I mean for us to take in a show, and I’d have to put one of the little darlings in hock. But why don’t you go?

                                                Sal
I dunno, alone? You don’t go to the movies alone, cause then people will think you’re alone

Pause
                                            
                                                Emily
                                      Yeah, I miss movies

                                                Sal
Well, look, you know, you like movies, I like movies, movies need people, we’re both people….maybe if you’re interested……….









Lights fade out
Lights on Grace alone on the stage.  She’s wearing jogging clothes

     
                                               Grace
Well!  So much as happened.  Milt and I spend a lot of time with each other, because we have a lot of time.  He is so …alive in the present!  He lives in a Bohemian neighborhood and he studies painting and all sorts of arts ….he know poetry…  I used to think that I wanted someone to watch television with, but it’s been weeks since I’ve seen my shows!  I’m never home anymore.  I’m taking Rumba lesions and learning Spanish at the college annex and we signed up for something called Ju-Jitsu, I explained to Milt that I’m Episcopalian but he said I could probably learn it anyway. 

Lights fade on Grace

Light on Brooke standing alone on the stage

                                                    
                                               Brooke (Standing alone on the stage)
Well that didn’t work out for me. So its back to spending the Christmas holidays at a  Mexican resort, alone.  So, I’ll walk the white sandy beaches alone again.  Could be worse.  It’s so beautiful at sunset.    

Light fades from Brooke to Kent who is standing alone on the stage

                                                Kent
I don’t think cyber dating is my forte.  Christmas is around the corner, I understand from travel agent that a lot of singles my age spend the holidays down at some Mexican resort.  That would be good, to walk the beach at sunset, could be worse.
               
Light shines on Kent and Brooke and then fades

Light on Emily                                      

  Emily (standing alone on the stage, sedately, slowly, stone faced)
I met Sal. We had dinner. He insisted I bring the kids, which is good because I can’t afford a sitter right now. So ……how did it go? Well, I couldn’t look at him

              She clasps her hand together and slowly sinks to her knees

                                              Emily (excitedly, talking very fast)
Because he’s so GEORGIOUS! Oh …My…God! He looks like Al Pacino and John Travolta if Robert DeNiro was their father….I mean this man is a hunk…..and his eyes…they light up when he talks, big brown light bulbs…he’s so passionate!…About everything! Especially food….he cooks…. we spent at least ten minutes talking about table salt. The kids loved him and you can’t fool kids…..and he was so self-assured… 

Light fades from Emily to Sal who is standing alone on the stage


                                              Sal
I was terrified, I thought I was going to have a heart attack…..and I just babbled 

                                            He slaps himself on the forehead

                                              Sal
I spent ten minutes talking about table salt!  Table salt!…I’m such an idiot! She probably thinks I’m nuts

Light fades back to Emily

                                              Emily
Oh and I yelled at the kids…I think I screamed at them, he probably thinks I’m a monster

Light back to Sal

                                               Sal
 And I’ll tell you something, she takes command of those kids…..she tells them to stop and Bam! They stop. See, that’s good.  It shows love. People think it shows respect and fear, but kids, they don’t anything about  respect and you can’t really scare a kid, kids know love.  They love her. You can see it in the way they listen to her.

Light back to Emily

                                               Emily
 The kids were awful, they were running around like monkeys on speed. If that doesn’t scare him off nothing will.

Light back to Sal

                                               Sal
And her kids! Ah quanto bello! How beautiful!  And full of life! They were jumping around and laughing…the other people in the restaurant,  I don’t think they liked it, because it was one of those nice places but hey, too bad, that’s what kids do, they yell, they run, they jump.  You got to be gentle with children. They get nervous too and that’s how they work it out. I know, I use to be a very nervous kid.


Light stays on Emily and Sal


                                                Emily
We looked like vagabonds, I mean, I don’t really have anything nice to wear, clothes are so expensive, I tried to look nice, put together a nice outfit.  The kids, I had them in their Sunday clothes, but you know two minutes later they look like United Nations advertisements for an impoverished third world nation…..I hope we didn’t embarrass him

                                                 Sal
Let me tell you something, when I walked into that restaurant with Emily, how beautiful she looked with the long hair and the dress and the earring things on her ears and the children and their big smiles and laughing…I felt like….like…

                                    Pauses while he finds the words

                                                 Sal
In Italian you say “un cuore alto” you understand? It means like , to feel proud inside.
They don’t know, the people in the restaurant, they don’t know those kids aren’t mine….what do they know?  So, I gotta tell you, I felt…proud again.

                                                 Pause 

                                                  Sal
It was so good to hear children laugh. Not like far away laughing from kids you don’t know, but the kind that you’re right there with them.  I’m good with kids, kids like me. I don’t know, I guess they liked me. The little one, she called me a “stink face,” I dunno, I think that’s a good sign. Other then that…hey, who knows? I ran out of things to say…I mean I’m not a guy who talks a lot…so I went on and on and on about the job…. I don’t know what she thinks..

                                                   Emily
He’s a plumber…you know that’s a really fascinating  profession, like, Sal was telling me,  40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.…I didn’t know that….I guess there’s a lot you got to know.  

                                                  Pauses and sighs deeply
                
                                                   Emily
Wouldn’t it be great if he called me? I guess he won’t. It’s been five days. I don’t blame him. But it was good to go out again, nice restaurant.  Have a man say how pretty you look….it was nice.  But I don’t blame him for not calling.


                                                     Sal
 I picked up the phone to call her ten million hundred times, maybe if she knows it me, the boring guy, she won’t answer.

                                                     Pauses

                                                      Sal
               I’m gonna call her, if she hangs up, hey she hangs up


Light fades

Eugene standing alone on the stage

                                               Eugene
Well….we met. Me and Abbey.  We went out and had ice cream sundaes. Big ones. The we had a contest to see who could burp the longest….I let her win because, you know, I’m a classy guy

                  Pauses and looks around and then returns to the audience

                                               Eugene
You know…she’s really nice. I mean, she gets me. She’s pretty too. And she’s funny even when she doesn’t know it.  She listens to me…..and she thinks I’m smart…I mean, she didn’t say that, but you know she does. And she’s a lady ….she covers her mouth when she yawns. And she smells really nice. I got her perfume smell on my shirt…so I wore it again today so I could remember what she looks like.  When we were walking, she put her arm on my arm, but not in the kind of way like “Welcome to the world of ball and chains” but like…I don’t know…like I was in charge.  She trusted me.


                                        Pauses.  Catches his breath

                                              Eugene
                                       I think I’m in love                

Light fades
Light on Abbey who is alone on the stage

                                                Abbey
Sooooo!  I met a nice guy.  Aren’t you happy for me?  I’m happy for me!  Will it work out?  I don’t know.  I know I’m going to try to make it work.  And I think that’s the secret in dealing with human being, you have to try to make things work, once you figure out their worth the effort.


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