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John William Tuohy lives in Washington DC

A short, silly play by John William Tuohy

     THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS OF GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

 

Cast
Thurston Howell
The Captain
Ginger
Maryanne
The Professor
Mrs. Howell

Scene
Cast around a table




The cast is depressed, stuck on an island.

THURSTRON HOWELL THE 3rd (To Mrs. Howell)
Backgammon anyone? Lovey? Backgammon?

GINGER (Sunning herself)
I really need to work on this tan

THE PROFESSOR
Say, I’ve got a swell idea to make a television out of a palm leaf!

MARYANNE (speaking aloud but lost in thought)
Did you ever wonder how we got lost on a three hour tour from Hawaii?

CAPTAIN
It’s simple, the weather starting getting rough

PROFESSOR
The tiny ship was lost

GINGER
If not for the courage of the fearless crew

THURSTON HOWELL the Third
The Minnow would be lost

MRS. HOWELL
Yes, the Minnow would be lost

MARYANNE
But we are lost! No phones, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. We’re lost
on an uncharted island off the coast of Hawaii, a three hour tour means it takes an hour and half out to sea  and an hour and a half  back to port, yet we got blown to an uncharted paradise within an hour and a half of Hawaii? What real estate agent in the world would let this place go undiscovered?

THE PROFESSOR (Overly dramatic)
Say! What are you getting too, Maryanne?

MARYANNE
Maybe our fearless crew brought us here on purpose.

THE CAPTAIN (Lifting his hat several inches above his head)
Now hold on a second Little Lady!

MARYANNE
No, not you, you’re a bumbling idiot, everybody knows that.

THE CAPTAIN
That’s not true!

THE PROFESSOR
Well, you are thick as brick

THURSTON HOWELL the Third
I’ve known potatoes smarter then you, my boy

GINGER
You really are dense

MRS. HOWELL
Compared to you, I’m smart

MARYANNE
I’m talking about Gilligan. He’s not what he appears to be!

THE CAPTAIN (looking left and right quickly, mouth agape)
Holy Jiminy!

MRS. HOWELL
Good heavens!

THE PROFESSOR
Gosh Maryanne, what do you mean?

MARYANNE
We’re trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair and who is our captor? What keeps us trapped here? Gilligan.
     Gilligan is the devil, no matter how ingenious and clever our ideas are to escape the island, they always get foiled….by Gilligan! And it’s his island…Gilligan’s Island
Professor, you have a PhD with degrees in chemistry, botany, biology, psychology, and geography, you speak several languages…yet you only teach at the high school level
And despite being the island’s resident heartthrob you’re oblivious to sex, I mean…look at her (she points to Ginger who is still sunning herself)

THE PROFESSOR
Yes, but that’s for another script, some other day.

MARYANNE
That’s true. My point is, with that kind of concentration and the ability to make a transistor radio out of coconut, you have never been able to construct a decent boat or raft for the Skipper to navigate back to the mainland.

THE PROFESSOR
Ah! But I did make a raft from bamboo!

MARYANNE
But what happened to it?

THE PROFESSOR
It was eaten by sharks

MARYANNE
And who caused it to be eaten by sharks by his fumbling and goofing antics?

ALL
Gilligan

MRS. HOWELL
It’s as though he wants to keep us here…but why?

MARYANNE
Because we’re in hell, this island represents hell! Nobody wants to be here, but we can’t leave! And it’s his Island! It’s not called “The Captain’s Island” or the Professor’s Island  ” It called Gilligan’s Island” He’s the devil!

THE CAPTAIN
That’s ridiculous! Not my little buddy, Gilligan

MARYANNE
Is it? What’s the devils favorite color? Red! Have you ever seen Gilligan wear anything but that red shirt…and you never see him without the hat…you know why? Horns! The hat covers the horns!

THE CAPTAIN
That’s ridiculous! Not my little buddy Gilligan

MARYANNE
And you know, while we’re at it….what’s going on between you two? You let Gilligan help with everything when you know perfectly well he’ll just screw it up. Do you know why?

THE CAPTAIN
Because I’m an idiot?

MARYANNE
Well, yes, but  you two …..never mind….Gilligan is Satan, think about it. Gilligan, like Satan, has no first name.

THE CAPTAIN
Sure he does

MARYANNE
Alright…..what is it?

GILLIGAN
Umm….well…I don’t know, but he must have a first name

THE PROFESSOR
You know, I don’t know either

GINGER
Me either

CAPTAIN
Well, none of us have first names

MARYANNE
That’s not true, I’m Maryanne Summers, He’s Thurston, his wife is Lovey Wentworth Howell, she’s Ginger Grant,  he’s professor Roy Hinkley, and you’re Jonas Grumby

CAPTAIN
Wow, I didn’t know that...Jonas huh?

THE PROFESSOR
Me either...…Hinkley huh? Sounds like a completely sane, non threatening name

MRS. HOWELL
But my dear, why would we be in hell?

MARYANNE
The same reason everyone else goes to hell. Sin. We’re full of sin. Each of us represents one of the deadly sins, especially you Mrs. Howell

MRS. HOWELL
I beg your pardon! Thurston! Did she say me!

THURSTON HOWELL the Third
Pay no mind to this peasant, Lovie!

MARYANNE
Yeah, sloth…laziness….I mean you’ve never even lifted a single finger to try and help out with even one…not even one escape plan…..and your trapped here, I mean how lazy is that? And you, Mister Howell, you represent greed.

THURSTON HOWELL the Third
I most certainly do not!

MARYANNE
You took a trunk full of money with you on a three hour cruise! I mean for cry’n out loud!

THURSTON HOWELL the Third
It makes me feel loved!

MRS. HOWELL
And you are very cheap dearest

THURSTON HOWELL the Third
Lovie how dare you!

MRS. HOWELL
Well it’s true dear, why were we on a three hour cruise on such a miserably small boat with such deplorably common people instead of simply renting a private yacht?

GINGER, MARYANNE, the CAPTAIN and the PROFESSOR
Deplorable people?

THURSTON HOWELL the Third
I believe she said “deplorably common”

GINGER
Doesn’t matter, Maryanne pegged you too, you’re both full of greed

MARYANNE (To GINGER)
And you too! You represent lust, you and those skimpy outfits

THE CAPTAIN (dreamily)
Yeah

MARYANNE
Your borderline nymphomaniac behavior

THURSTON HOWELL THE 3rd (Dreamily)
Yeah

MARYANNE
Your obsession with your looks…I mean who else takes a silk gold evening gown on a three hour cruise?  You are lust incarnate

THE CAPTAIN, THURSTON HOWELL the 3rd and the PROFESSOR (Dreamily)
yeah

MRS. HOWELL (Dreamily)
Yeah

The all turn and look at  Mrs. Howell

MRS. HOWELL (Who is still looking skyward)
I said that out loud, didn’t I?

GINGER (Winks at Mrs. Howell and then turns to Maryanne)
Okay, so I’m lust, but you’re envy! You’re envious of me! Sure you have that knockout body and those skimpy little tops and shorts

MRS. HOWELL (Dreamily)
Yeah

The all turn and look at Mrs. Howell

MRS. HOWELL (Who is still looking skyward)
I did it again, didn’t I?

GINGER
But you’re envious of me

THE CAPTAIN
Aw, shucks, leave her alone!

THE PROFESSOR
Bug off fat boy, because if there’s any sinner here it’s you.

THE CAPTAIN (Holds his cap up several inches above his head)
Me!

THE PROFESSOR
And that belly…glutton! And you blow up at the drop of a hat. Gluttony and anger!

THE CAPTAIN
Well how about you….smart guy! You just think you’re soooooooo clever! You and you’re record players made out of palm trees! A little prideful aren’t we, Mister annoying know it all!

They begin arguing and then yelling and pointing fingers at each other.

GINGER (Shouting)
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

They stop shouting and listen to Ginger speak

GINGER
The Farmers daughter here, is right!

MARYANNE
Farmer’s daughter?

GINGER (turns to Maryanne)
Oh please

GINGER returns to addressing the group

GINGER
It’s all Gilligan’s fault! He’s the one who landed us here!

MRS. HOWELL
Let’s get him!

THURSTRON HOWELL THE 3rd
String em up!

THE CAPTAIN
Yeah! Professor, get that coconut and make us a rope!

THE PROFESSOR
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What if it isn’t all Gilligan’s fault…what if some of it is our fault, maybe cow girl is right…maybe we do represent sin!

MARYANNE
Cow girl?

The PROFESSOR
Maybe it’s our compiled sins that keep us trapped here, greed, envy sloth…maybe our own weaknesses ruin our attempts to leave.

THE CAPTAIN
Or……(He shutters and looks away)

Pause

GINGER
Or what?

THE CAPTAIN
Well, gosh…maybe our sins brought us here and we can’t leave

THE PROFESSOR
You mean…

THE CAPTAIN
Yep…we’re dead, we’ve gone to hell and Gilligan is Satan’s angel sent here to torment us

ALL
Whoa!!!!!

They pause and think about it

THURSTRON HOWELL THE 3rd
Backgammon anyone? Lovey? Backgammon?

GINGER (Sunning herself)
I really need to work on this tan

THE PROFESSOR
Say, I’ve got a swell idea to make a television out of a palm leaf

The Captain starts to whistle the theme from Gilligan’s Island




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