By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
When it comes to our
self-critical thinking, Byron Katie has created a brilliant set of four
questions to free us from our negative depressive minds. For example, if you
say, “I’m such leavesinhandcrpd an idiot,” we ask 1) Is it true? 2) Is it
absolutely true? 3) What happens when you believe that thought? and 4) Who
would you be without that thought? The effect of this is that it objectifies
the self-judgment, gives us freedom from it and opens us up to a sense of
freedom that’s there. They can be really effective.
When it comes to overcoming
longstanding emotional struggles we have to not only get space from the
self-critical mind, but also encourage the positive beliefs about ourselves
that the critical mind has buried. In one part of Uncovering Happiness:
Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion I share the
following four questions to work with in order to open us up to possibility,
install these positive beliefs a bit more and even encourage positive
neuroplasticity. In doing this we can become more confident in ourselves and
ultimately more resilient (and a bit happier).
Four
Questions for Uncovering Happiness
From time to time, you might
notice a nourishing thought arise, such as “I’m good enough,” “Life is fine as
it is,” “I’m worthy of love,” or “What a beautiful moment.” We can be on the
lookout for these thoughts and fan the flame with a play on these same
questions:
1.“Is it true?” Because of the
strength of our inner critics, our minds are often quick to dismiss positive
thoughts, so you may notice a quick “No, it’s not true. I’m not really
beautiful, worthy of love, good enough [and so on] . . .”
2.“Is it possible that it’s
true?” Here is where we open the door a bit and ask if there is any possibility
that it’s true, no matter how small our minds may say it is. The answer
inevitably here is “Yes, I guess there is a possibility.”
3.“If you step into that
possibility for a moment, how does that make you feel?” Two things can happen
here. You may find that fear arises: the fear of the unknown. This can be an
opportunity for self-compassion. What would life be like if I stepped into this
light? It reminds me of a poem by spiritual author and lecturer Marianne
Williamson that starts, “Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Remind yourself that it
doesn’t serve you or the world to be in your small self. However, you might
also experience a positive emotion such as joy, contentment, or confidence.
4.“Can I allow myself to linger
in this feeling for a few moments?” When we allow ourselves to savor what’s
good, our “good-feeling” neurons fire together. And as psychologist Donald Hebb
put it memorably, “Neurons that fire together wire together,” promoting
resiliency in the future.
What would the days, weeks and
months ahead be like if you were more open to this possibility? Try this on
right now with any potential positive belief about yourself and see what you
notice.
The fact is, the belief we have
in our negative thinking is one of our worst habits as a human species and
often times doesn’t serve us. The positive belief in ourselves could go a long
way and my hope is that Uncovering Happiness can help in awakening what I call
our “Natural Anti-Depressants” and inspire the hope that having had emotional
struggles in the past doesn’t mean you need to suffer from them in the same way
in the future. There are specific seeds within each and every one of us that if
we understand and water, we can literally create a more resilient and joyful
life.
Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is
author of the upcoming book Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, The Now Effect, co-author of A
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook, Foreword by Jon Kabat-Zinn, author
of Mindfulness Meditations for the Anxious Traveler: Quick Exercises to Calm
Your Mind, the premier eCourse Basics of Mindfulness Meditation: A 28 Day
Program, the Mindful Solutions audio series, and the Mindfulness at Work™
program currently being adopted in multiple multinational corporations. Join
The Now Effect Community for free Daily Now Moments and a Weekly Newsletter.
Dr. Goldstein is a clinical psychologist in private practice in West Los
Angeles.
