Anglo-Irish Relations
An old handicapped man lived in
the countryside of Northern Ireland and had only one relative, a son. The son
was in prison for revolutionary activities.
The father wrote the son. “Now that you’re in prison, I have no one to
dig up my garden. How can I plant my potatoes if I can’t dig up my garden?”
The son wrote back: “Don’t dig
up the garden; that’s where I’ve buried all the guns.”
The next day a troop of British
soldiers descended on the farm and turned up all the soil. When they found
nothing, the old man was confused. He wrote his son: “What’s going on? There
were no guns.”
The son wrote back: “Just plant
your potatoes.”
Two Irish guys are making
letter bombs.
Pat say's "Do you think I
have put enough explosives in this envelope?"
"Dunno" says Mick
"open it and see"
"But it will explode"
says Pat
Mick says "Don’t be effing
stupid......it's not addressed to you"
In London a homeless Irishman walks up to a proper
Englishman and asks for some spare change.
The Englishman says "Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Shakespeare."
The Irishman man says, "Fuck you. Brendan
Behan"
An Irishman and an Englishman
are hunting out in the woods when the Englishman falls to the ground. He
doesn’t seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The
Irishman whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:
“My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice
says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There
is a silence, a shot is heard. The man’s voice comes back on the line. He says:
“OK, now what?”
A boastful Englishman said to
an Irishman "take away your friendliness, your wit, your charm and your
good looks, your mountains, glens & lochs what have you got?"
"England" replied the
Irishman.
One day a priest was walking in
Dublin, and he encountered a Protestant minister. They chatted for a while and
then the minister invited the priest to his home for a cup of tea. When they
got to the minister’s home, the priest noticed how shabby the outside was.
Inside, the priest noticed how run down the place seemed to be. Then the
minister introduced the priest to his wife.
“Father O’Neill,” said the
minister, “I’d like you to meet my better half.”
And so the minister’s missus
then made them tea.
A few days later, the two
clergymen met each other again. This time, they went to the priest’s rectory,
which was a fancy well-appointed Georgian mansion. The minister was very
impressed. The priest led him to the kitchen where he began to make the tea.
The kitchen, too, was set up with all the modern conveniences. Finally the
minister commented on the wonderful housing the priest had.
“Well,” said Father O’Neill,
“Here in Ireland, the Protestant ministers have the better halves, but the
Catholic priests have the better quarters.”
Officer Murphy was called upon
to talk down a suicidal jumper on the seventh floor ledge of the Copley Plaza.
Murphy arrives and sticks his
head out the window to grab the attention of the jumper.
“Don’t jump. For the love of
your parents, don’t jump.”
The young man says, “Actually,
I’m an orphan.”
“Okay,” says Murphy. “Don’t
jump for the love of your wife or girlfriend.”
“I have neither a wife nor a
girlfriend,” says the jumper.
“Okay,” says Murphy, “then
don’t jump for the love of the saints of Ireland.”
The young jumper says, “But I’m
not Irish. I’m British.”
Murphy says, “Jump, you swine,
jump.”
An English builder runs a job
ad in an international trade paper. Three applicants turn up: a Frenchman, a
German and an Irishman. When the builder interviews them he points out that a
basic knowledge of English is essential, especially of terms used in the
building trade, so he has devised a little test. He asks each one of them the
same question: “Can you explain to me the difference between ‘girder’ and
‘joist’?”
The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders,
admitting that he does not understand the terms. The German also admits that he
has no idea.
Before the builder puts the
question to the Irishman, he says “I know you speak English, but in the
interests of equal treatment I have to ask you the same question as the other
two: “What is the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Irishman replies, “Sure,
everyone knows that. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.”
Paddy was in New York. He was
patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The
cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd
allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood
on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?'
Seamus O'Brien had been hailed
as the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. It was suggested by
the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind
Championships. He did, and won a place. On the evening of the competition, Seamus
walks on stage, sits down and makes himself comfortable. The lights dim and a
spotlight shines on his face. Magnus, the emcee, proceeds: "Seamus, what
subject are you studying?" Seamus responds, "Irish history".
"Very well," says Magnus, "your first question - in what year
did the 'Easter Rising take place?" "Pass," says Seamus.
"Okay," says Magnus, "Who was the leader of the Easter
Rising?" Seamus responds, "Pass."
"Well then," says
Magnus, "how long did the Easter Rising last?"
Again, Seamus responds,
"Pass."
Instantly, a voice from the
audience shouts out: "Good man, Seamus - tell the English nothing..."
A woman goes to the post office
to stock up on stamps. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 stamps
please? The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says,
"God bless us, has it come to that? I'll have 18 Protestants, and 32
Catholics."
The Biddies
An Irish lady goes to the bar
on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender
gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th
birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's
your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
"Well, thank you kindly,
sir" says she.
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to
her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank
you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming
up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left
says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank
you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."
"Coming right up,"
the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying
of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when
you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water,
however, is another matter entirely."
Two lovely old biddies had been
friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting
a few times a week for a cup of tea and a natter. One day they were sipping
their tea when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't go getting upset
with me...I know we've been pals for a long time.....but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what your name is. For at least three minutes her friend just stared. At last,
she said, "How soon do you need to know?
The man from the window company called Miss
O'Leary on the telephone. "Miss O'Leary, he says, you haven't made a
single payment on your new windows. Is there something the matter?"
Bristling with annoyance, Miss O'Leary replies. "I may be up in years, but
I still have my wits about me. Wasn't your man after telling me those windows
would pay for themselves in a year?"
While impatiently waiting for a
table in a restaurant, Miss O'Leary says to Mrs. Clancy, "If they weren't
so crowded in here all the time, they'd do a lot more business
The Drink
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but
didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering
sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I
have an idea."
He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you
crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't
worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've
lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any
money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile.
"Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went
berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after
pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free..
At the tenth pub Shamus said
"Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees
are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you
think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".
There is an international beer
conference. After a full day of meetings and workshops, three beer
representatives go out for a drink. The waiter asks the Miller rep what he
wants. He say, “Give me a Miller High Life.”
The waiter asks the Budweiser
rep what he wants. He says, “Give me a Bud Lite.”
Then the waiter asks the Guinness
rep what he wants. “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”
When the waiter leaves, the two
reps ask the Guinness guy why he ordered a Coke.
“Well,” says the Irishman, “I
thought I’d avoid a beer since neither of you was having one.”
Recently a routine police
patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town.
After last call, the officer
noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely
walk.
The man stumbled around the car
park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity,
in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find
his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’
vehicles left.
At last, when his when his was
the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the
road The police officer, having waited
patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing
lights and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the
breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at
all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.’
‘I doubt it,’ said Paddy ,
truly proud of himself. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy!
Patrick goes into a bar, sees a
sign that states “All you can drink $10” and says “I'll take two!”
I'm so excited. I've just made
up my very own Irish joke. It goes like this: An Irish man walks OUT of a bar.
There’s this new Irish
restaurant being built in downtown Boston. They’re going to serve 7-course
gourmet Irish meals. Everyone coming in the door gets a potato and a six pack…
Paddy and Mike had a bit to
drink and were bringing their Irish Air passenger plane into land at the
airport when they noticed the runway was ridiculously short.
Mike announced over the com to
the passengers to hold on and expect a bumpy landing.
Somehow they made the landing
okay. Paddy sweating from the tension exclaimed "Mike, can you believe how
short this runway is?"
Mike replied "I know! And
look how wide it is!"
Sean got home in the early
hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as
he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the
saints, what are you doing down there?"She shouted from the bedroom.
"Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbors." "I'm
trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down. "I can't"
says he, "I've drank it!"
Three Irishman are drinking at
a bar. He first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s
a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The second then starts: “That
sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called
Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another
drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”
Then the third pipes up. “You
think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At
Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they
buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you
laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That
sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend,
“but it happened to my sister!”
Two men walked into a pub late
one afternoon and noticed that, among the few customers, was one individual
sitting quietly at the end of the bar. The two ordered some beers. The
bartender brought them and said, "That will be 50p please."
They put it on the slate and a
short time later ordered two more beers; again they were charged 25p each. The
two could not believe the price and after having a third beer for the same
amount, they decided to ask the bartender what the catch was.
The bartender replied,
"There is no catch, gentlemen. I have just started brewing this beer on
the premises and I'm selling it below cost to introduce it to my customers. I'm
happy to see you're enjoying it."
Indeed, they noticed that
almost everyone was enjoying the beer and the remarkable price except for the
one man at the end of the bar. He had not ordered anything since the two came
in. Becoming very curious about this individual, the two asked the bartender,
"Doesn't he ever order anything?"
"Oh yes," said the
bartender. "That's Patrick Curran, our local accountant. He's waiting for
happy hour."
Pat and Mike are drinking in
the done-up version of their local pub, The Continental Bistro and Bar in the
Ballybegorrah Arms Hotel, Killarney. They take in the no-sawdust on the new
Italian tile floor; the hi-back red leather bar stools; the bowls of free black
olives, cashew nuts and tasty "tapas" on the shiny, black, two inch
thick, granite counter.
"Ye know", Pat,"
says Mike, "it's all brilliant, but I miss the auld spittoon."
Pat takes his pipe from his
mouth, sips his pint, then says, "You always did, me auld friend. You
always did."
Father Murphy walked into a bar
and went up to the first man her found and asked
“Do you want to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand
over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the
second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man
replied.
'Then stand over there against
the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to
O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't
Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't
believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die,
yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
A man walked into a Dublin bar
and saw a friend sitting with an empty glass. 'Paddy can I buy you another', he
asked, to which Paddy replied - 'now what would I be wanting with another empty
glass?'"
An Irishman walks into a bar in
Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to
the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. I think your drinks would
taste better if you bought them one at a time."
The Irishman replies,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in
Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd
drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each
o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a
moment, then light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's
just fine," he explains. "It's just that me wife had us join a new
Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though.
A woman and a man driver are
involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt -
though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the
wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the
woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: ‘That’s incredible - both our cars
are demolished but we’re fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to
be together!’
Sensing a promise, the man
stammers back, ‘Oh yes, I agree with you completely!’
The woman goes on, ‘And look,
though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must
be another sign. Let’s drink to our love!’
‘Well, OK!’ says the man, going
with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it
back.
‘Your turn,’ says the man.
‘No, thanks,’ says the woman,
‘I think I’ll just wait for the police.’
McQuillan walked into a bar and
ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them
in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he
started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” he replied, “my wife
just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
The priest met him one day, and
gave him a strong lecture about drink, hoping to scare the bejeezus out of him.
He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller
and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the
life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife,
"Bridget.... if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye
kill that blasted cat?"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in
a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the
reply.
The first man then asks: “Where
are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the
second man.
The first man responds: “You
don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second
man.
Curious, the first man then
asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the
first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second
man.
Curiosity again strikes and the
first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the
second man. “I graduated in ‘62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the
first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time in comes one of
the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the
bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the
bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
Paddy had been drinking at his
local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender, finally says, “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy.”
Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way
then.”Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face.“Shoite,” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again, “Shoite,
Shoite!”
He looks to the doorway and thinks to
himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his
head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better, and takes
a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.“Bi’Jesus…. I’m fockin
‘ focked,” he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down,
and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and
goes inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, “No fockin’ way.” He
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says. “I can make it to the bed.”
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says “Fock it” and falls
into bed.
The next morning, his wife,
Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?”
Paddy says, “I did, Jess. I was
fockin’ pissed. But how did you know?”
“Mick phoned… you left your
wheelchair at the pub.”
Sally was driving home from one
of her business trips in Northern Ireland when she saw an elderly woman walking
on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the
car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and
while resuming the journey the woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally. What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown
bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband." The
woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder
she said: "Good trade."
Paddy & his wife are lying
in bed and the neighbor’s dog is barking like mad in the next door garden.
Paddy says “To hell with this!” and storms off. He returns five minutes later
and the dog is still barking and his wife asks “What did you do?” Paddy replies
“I’ve put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!”
In Boston, a man comes home early and finds
Murphy naked, hiding behind the shower curtain.
"What are you doing in
there?"
"Voting." Murphy
says
After just a few years of
marriage filled with constant bickering, the Kerry couple decided the only way
to save their marriage was to try counseling. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his
long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90
miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15
minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up
by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards,
the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who
stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS
that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
stopped here
=====================================================================
An elderly Kerry couple is
sitting together watching television. During a commercial about Viagra, the
husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence (and during the next commercial), the wife
replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas
card from them this year.
Walking into the bar, Mike said
to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with
the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And
how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike
replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now
that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under
the bed, you little chicken.'
An elderly woman in Dublin died
last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her
handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when
I'm dead."
The parish priest stops Brian
on the street and asks how he managed to get so drunk the night before.
“Well, Father,” says Brian. “I
won a bottle of whiskey in a raffle, and then I fell in with some bad company.”
“Bad company? Weren’t you with
Jim Murphy, Aedan Clark, and Sean Joyce?”
“Yes, father. Bad company.”
“Brian, not one of those men
drinks.”
“Yes, father. That’s what I
mean. Bad company.”
Mickey was a young man from
Kerry who only recently had developed a large taste for the drink. After a few
nights of carousing, he was stopped on the street by the priest.
“Don’t you know, Mickey, you
should stop the drinking? If you continue, you’ll get smaller and smaller and
smaller until you turn into a mouse.” This story frightened the superstitious
Irishman. He went home to his Mother and said, “Hey, ma, if you notice me
gettin’ smaller and smaller, will you kill the farkin cat!”
Donavan, while visiting Italy,
met a sailor from Venice. Before long they found themselves in a tavern. After
several hours of heavy drinking the Italian finally slid under the table. The
Irishman staggered to his feet and announced, ”I’m the first guy who ever drank
a Venetian blind!”
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy
and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick
developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his
buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked
to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've
been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request
fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears,
"Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a
box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the
year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want
you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and
I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the
beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked,
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But,
might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Actual Personal ad from the
Dublin News: ”Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous woman interested in a
man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting
fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning”
The Faith
A man was brought to Mercy
Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well
and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of
Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. O'Toole, you're going to be just
fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any
insurance," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?"
asked the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close
relatives?" the nun persisted. "Just my sister in America" he
volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you,
Mr. O'Toole. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said O'Toole. "In that case, please send the bill
to my brother-in-law."
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods,
totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and
is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk shouts, ‘Yes, oi am.’
So the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the
drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, oi
haven’t found Jesus.’
The preacher shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the
water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus me brother?’
The drunk again answers, ‘No,
oi I haven’t found Jesus.’
By this time the preacher is at
his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again —
But this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him
up.
The preacher again asks the
drunk, ‘For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?’
The Drunk wipes his eyes and
catches his breath and says to the preacher ‘Are ya sure dis is where he fell
in?’
A couple had two little boys,
ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their village,
their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that the local vicar
had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys. The vicar agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning; with the older boy to see the
vicar in the afternoon. The vicar, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's
mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth
hanging open, wide eyed. So the vicar repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So
the vicar raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!!!!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dived into a cupboard, slamming the door behind
him. When his older brother found him in the cupboard , he asked, "What
happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are
in BIG trouble this time. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"
A 54 year old Irish women woman
had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital in Dublin. While on the
operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my
time up?”
God said, “No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman
decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast
implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair
color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time
to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last
operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on
her way home, she was killed by an ambulance..
Arriving in front of God, she
demanded, ”I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn’t you pull me
from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied:
“I didn’t recognize you!”
Gallagher opened the morning
newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked
Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied
Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
============================================
Father Murphy went out one
Saturday to visit his parishioners. At one house it was obvious that someone
was home, but nobody came to the door even though the priest had knocked
several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20"
on the back of it, and stuck it in the door: "Behold, I stand at the door
and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him
and dine with him and him with me."
The next day, the card turned
up in the collection plate. Below Father Murphy's message was the notation
"Genesis 3:10": "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself."
A teacher was testing the
children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of
getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a
big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was,
"NO!" By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered,
"NO!"
Bursting with pride for them, the teacher
continued: "So, how can I get into Heaven?"
Five-year-old Sean shouted out,
"You have to be dead."
Three priests went for a ramble
in the country. It was unusually hot for Ireland in September and before too
long, they were sweating profusely. They came upon a small lake and since it
was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few blackberries while enjoying
their "freedom".
As they were crossing an open
area, they saw a group of ladies from the village coming towards them. Unable
to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but
the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got
their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his
face rather than his privates. "I don't know about you two," he
replied, "but in my parish, it's my face they would recognize."
A Catholic priest, a Protestant
minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life
begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is
when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said
the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby
becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn
about sin."
"You're both wrong," said the rabbi.
"Life begins when the children have graduated and moved out of the
house."
Charlie was a regular visitor
at the Galway Races. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before
the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area
and gave it a blessing.
Charlie watched the race very
carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed
the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed
a similar procedure.
Thinking there might be
something to it, Charlie put a couple of Euros on the blessed horse. Sure
enough it came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty Euros! The
priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won
each time. He was now ahead a thousand, so between races Charlie left the
track, went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings.
The biggest race of the day was
the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched which horse he blessed.
He then went to the betting window and put every euro he owned on that horse to
win.
The race began. Down the
stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, Charlie's pick was
last! Devastated, he found the priest and told him that he had been watching
him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse
on which he had bet his life savings.
Charlie then asked, "What
happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the
others?"
"Ye must be a Protestant," sighed
the priest. "The trouble is you can't tell the difference between a
blessing and the last rites."
It's Christmas time and Paddy
and Sean decide to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gather their axe, a sled,
and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them.
When they finally reach a fine
group of trees, Sean brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Sean, this tree
won't do. Let's try another one."
They come upon another nice
tree, Sean brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one,
Paddy?"
"Not quite, Sean. Let's
keep looking."
This goes on until nightfall.
Both Paddy and Sean are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we
do now?"
"Sean, I think we should
take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."
Five Catholic friends were
enjoying a coffee in a bistro after a meal. The first Catholic man tells his
friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps,
“My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic man says,
“My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says,
“My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your
Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman
was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said,
“Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a
daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she
walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God..”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest
said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed
and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing
together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman
left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching,
quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the
poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but
I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting
it in!'
St. Peter has a day-off from
his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst
‘booking-in’ the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems
familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.
“Joseph” is the reply, which
makes Jesus more inquisitive.
“Occupation?” is the next
question, the reply being “Carpenter”.
Jesus is now getting quite
excited.
In quite a state Jesus asks
“Did you have a little boy?”, the answer is “yes”.
“Did he have holes in his
wrists and ankles?” asks Jesus,
Yes” comes the reply.
Jesus looks at the old man in
front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts “FATHER, FATHER”
The old man looks puzzled and
after a moment replies…. “Pinocchio?”
A mother was preparing pancakes
for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to squabble over who would
get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A minister was completing a
temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater
emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it
into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The choir director
stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection,
let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
A priest and a nun are on their
way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until
morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room
available.
The priest says: "Sister,
I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one
room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be
fine," agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some
prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun
says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the
priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and
the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't
worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then
the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says
the priest. "Get your own blankets."
The first priest says,
"You know, since the warm weather started, I've been having trouble with
mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, cats, spray, nothing seems to
scare them away." The second priest says, "My church, too. There are
hundreds of them living in the cellar. I've set traps and even called in an
expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far." The third priest says,
"I had the same problem. So I baptized them all and made them members of
my parish. Haven't seen one of them since."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the
Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a lad dressed in sunglasses, loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the lad: "Who are you, so that I
may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The fellah replies, "I'm
Johnny O'Rourke, taxi-driver, Brooklyn, New York." Saint Peter consults
his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe
and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes
into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands
erect and booms out, "I am Phillip Smith, pastor of Saint Mary's for the
last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven."
"Just a minute," says
the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and
golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by
results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while
he drove, people prayed."
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and
Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to
Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Turn the windshield
wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them
on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
Sister Marilyn turned on the
windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister
Marilyn.
"Show him your
cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking,"
says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off
our car!"
Three Irish ladies were talking
one sunny day in June.
The first lady said, "I
was cleaning in Father's Murphy’s room the other day and do you know what I
found? A bottle of whiskey and a bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?"
the other lady asked.
"Well, of course I threw
the whiskey and the whore magazines in the trash," she replied.
The second lady said,
"Well, I can top that. I was in Father's Murphy’s room putting away the
laundry and I found a box of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the
other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of
them!" she replied.
The Third lady fainted.
Miss O'Leary, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all. The parish priest came to call on her one afternoon early in
the spring, and she welcomed him into her little cottage. She invited him to
have a seat while she made the tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the
priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine
his curiosity! Surely Miss O'Leary had lost her senses! When she returned with
the tea and scones, they began to chat. The priest tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its unusual contents, but soon it got the
better of him; he could resist no longer.
“Miss O'Leary," he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes, Father,"
she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking in the village last
October and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...
I haven't had a cold all winter.
The wise old Mother Superior
from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to
make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused
it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of
Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened
and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother
Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a
little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the
last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom
before you die.” She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and
said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
While redecorating a church, three nuns become
extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's
take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove,
and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says,
"Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip
down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at
the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the
door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's
voice comes back. So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns
to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these
blinds?"
Green Genies
Two Irishmen, Patrick and
Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat, following a dramatic escape from a burning
freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions. Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the
lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This
particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought to it, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the whole ocean into Guinness Beer."
The genie clapped his hands
with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals, simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as two men
considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose
wish had been granted. After a long, tension- filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going, Patrick. Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
An Irishman, an Englishman and
a Scotsman are marooned on a desert island. One day they find a curious lamp on
the shore. When they rub the lamp a genie appears. He is so grateful for his
release, he offers the group 3 wishes. The Englishman wishes to be back in his
local pub in Essex. Whoosh - he’s gone. The Scotsman wants to be having a pint
with his mates in Glasgow. Whoosh - he’s gone. The Irishman looks dejected.
‘What’s the matter?’ asks the genie. "Sure it’s awful lonely here without
my two friends. I wish they were still here." And whoosh - they were.
An Irish man, English man and a
Scottish man are walking along a beach when they find a lamp. The Scot picks it
up, rubs it and out pops a Genie. Seeing as how there is 3 of them the Genie
gives them only 1 wish each.
The scot says 'ok, I want
enough money to keep me happy for the rest of my life, so the Genie snaps his
fingers and the Scots man has an unlimited bank balance.
The English man says, 'I'm sick
of all the foreign bastards coming into my country and taking our women and
jobs, I want you to put a big frecking wall around England to no foreign
bastards can ever enter England again.
So the Genie snaps his fingers
and a wall 1000ft high and 250 ft thick springs up around the whole of England.
Nothing can get in or out again.
The Irish man says to the
Genie, are you sure that wall around England is strong and NOTHING can escape?
The Genie replies, 'absolutely, nothing will escape'. So the Irish man replies
'ok then, fill the fuck’n thing up with water'.
To Your Health
Mrs. O'Leary went to the
doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new physicians. After about 4
minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down
the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she
told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another
room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Leary is 72
years old, she has seven grown children and ten grandchildren, and you told her
she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and
without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Maureen, a gorgeous young
redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she
touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The
redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she
pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says,
"I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the
doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
“I hear Murphy died,” said Pat.
“Was he ill long?”“No,” said Mick. “He died in the best of health.”
Marriage
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into
the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly
newsman that it was dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad
about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the
fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete
died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give
her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote
the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"
Mary Clancy goes up to Father
O’ Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering
you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got
terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary,
that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did,
Father.” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, He said, ‘Please
Mary, put down that damn gun…’
An Irishman who had a little
too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his
car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the
driver, where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of
course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks
like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk
says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
“That a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the
drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought
I’d gone deaf.”
Two Irish couples decided to
swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of passionate sex Paddy asks “I
wonder how the girls are getting on?”
Paddy takes his new wife to bed
on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and
asks “You know what I want don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy “the whole friggin
bed by the looks of it!”
Attending a wedding for the
first time, a little girl in Dublin whispered to her mother, "Why is the
lady all dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a
moment, then said, "So why is the man wearing black?"
Katie and Moira are old
friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Katie
is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" she complains to Moira.
"What a pity," says Moira. As I get older my husband says I get more
beautiful every day. "All well and good, says Katie, but your husband's an
antique dealer!"
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy
came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she
would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around
the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline & cruise
tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion, 30 years
younger..... Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!
STOPPED HERE
Three men were sitting together
bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic
duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had
told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be
done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a
woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the
third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious
dinner on the. table.
The third man had married an
Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes
washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her
responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
so he could see a little out of his left eye
An Irish woman of advanced age
visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying
Viagra?" asked the Doctor.
"Not a chance", she
said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem,"
replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra
tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she
called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed,
"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What
happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you
advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell
you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?"
asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't
good?"
"Feckin jaysus, 'twas the
best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able
to show me face in Starbucks again!"
A garda pulls over a speeding
car.
He says, "I clocked you at
80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Are you
sure? I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut
for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and
says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it
did." As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a
radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Woman ,didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut!"
The garda frowns and says
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an on
the spot 60 euro fine. "
The driver says, "Well,
you see sir, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I
could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now,
dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear
your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the garda is writing out
the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP"
The garda looks over at the
woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way,
Ma'am?" Smiling sweetly, she replies. Only when he's been drinking,
sir."
The bishop of Dublin gave a
rousing speech on the virtues of marriage. Afterwards, Mary Healey is leaving
with her friend Peggy Donogue, mothers of a combined total of 17 children.
“The bishop gave a great
sermon,” says Mary.
“Ay,” says Peggy. “Marriage is
a great institution. The bishop said that rightly.”
“Ay, he did do that,” says
Mary, “and I’m thinking I wish I knew as little about the matter as the bishop
does.”
“Yes,” says Peggy, “it was a
good sermon.”
“Yes,” says Mary, “A good
sermon. It might be his best ever.”
Mick met Paddy in the street
and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to
your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'The
whole street was laughing when they saw you
and your missus making love
yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards,
the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'
Sean was a mild-mannered man
who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on
assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his
house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you
to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make
my favorite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished
with that, I expect my favorite whiskey cake for after. Then, you're going to
draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker."
says she.
A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?" Do you remember when I
met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to
tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I
do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car,
making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I
will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she
replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would
have gotten out today."
Paddy was driving down the
street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place
appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said,
'Never mind, I found one.'
A curious fellow died one day
and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he
noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates
into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the
burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire,
Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan
do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he
strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of
Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't
help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them
into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those ...Satan said
with a groan. "They're all from Ireland. They're still too cold and damp
to burn."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been
drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do
I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle
and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Paddy asks his wife "Will you ever take
another man when I die"
"In time, most
probably" she replies
"Will you let him sleep in
our bed?" asks a forlorn Paddy
"Yes, in good time I most
probably would" she soothes him
"Would you let him play my
guitars" enquires a nervous Paddy
"He won’t” replied the
wife "He’s left handed
Finnegin: Me wife has a
terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her
of it.
Sean: What on earth is she
doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to
come home.
Paddy goes to work
Paddy gets a job felling trees
up North. At the end of his first day, the foreman comes to check on his work.
Paddy has felled only one tree. "What the hell’s going on here, Paddy?
Only one tree felled in a day." Paddy says, "This bloody saw’s no
good, boss. Doesn’t cut at all." The boss says, "Here, give us a
try." He starts up the chainsaw. Paddy looks startled. "What’s that
noise, boss?"
The bartender was washing his
glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip
of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the
bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, and the
Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing
Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and
asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the
Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck,
swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, “Barkeep, set me
up a cold one. Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, and the
redneck told him give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he
walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you
are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up
and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and
said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his back
straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the
redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing
disability!”
The Arabs stared over at the
Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the
sky. The Arab got on the phone and
contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy
and asked if he could help.
Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The
Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy
Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000.
"Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching
the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with
four Irishmen inside comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into
the oil field.
The Arabs shouted to no avail,
and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out,
took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The
Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the Oil Rig Fire was Out. The
four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was
rough!".
The Arab, while writing the
check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all
this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I'm going to do
is buy a set of brakes for that truck!!"
Two Irishmen were standing at
the base of a flagpole, looking up. An American walks by and asked them what
they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of
this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The American took out an
adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole
down. The American got a tape measure
out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6
inches and walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that
just like a Yank! We need the height, and he gives us the bloody length.
Two Irishmen working in a
field, Paddy is digging holes. Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes, a woman
who was passing by asked “Why are you digging a hole and the other lad filling
it in?” and Paddy replied 'There's usually three of us, but the lad who plants
the trees phoned in sick today'!
A surgeon and an architect,
both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to
whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from
Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the
architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that
was an architectural job."
"Sure now,"
interrupted the politician, "but wasn't somebody after creating the chaos
first?"
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator
post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same
job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to
take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had
only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and
said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give
the American the job."
"And why would you be
doing that?" Murphy asked "We both got 19 questions correct. This
being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
"We have made our
decision" the manager replied "not on the correct answers, but on the
question you missed."
"And just how would one
incorrect answer be better than the other?" Murphy asked
“Simple.” the manager said “On
question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don’t know.' " “You put
down, "Neither do I."
At every tea-break, Sean, the
hod-carrier was always boasting to his older work-mate, Mike the brick- layer,
that he was the better worker because he was stronger, faster, and younger.
Mike stoically put up with the bragging until one day, he couldn't take it
anymore.
"Well, Sean", he
said, I'll bet a week's wages I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that building that you won't be able to wheel back." Sean laughed
derisively and agreed to the bet. With that, Mike grabbed the handles of the
wheelbarrow and told Sean to get in.
During a recent password audit
at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following
password:"Mickey Minnie Pluto Huey Louie Dewey Donald Washington…When
asked why he had such a long password, he said " O, I was told it had to
be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!"
Two Irish attorneys in Boston
attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in
here!”
The attorneys looked at each
other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Murphy was driving limo in New
York and one day he picks up the Pope at Kennedy airport. The Pope tells the
Murphy “I like these big cars…you mind if I drive?” So Murphy jumps in the back
seat and lets the Pope drive into the city. He gets pulled over by Sullivan the
cop who radios his captain and says “I just pulled over a really important guy."
Captain says, "Who is it?
Mayor?"
Sullivan says, "Bigger than that. He's
got the Pope driving for him."
The store manager, O'Reilly,
heard Maryann his assistant tell a customer, "No, we haven't had any for a
while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
O'Reilly was horrified and ran
over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll have some soon. We placed
an order last week."
Then he took the assistant
aside and said, "Never, never, say we're out of anything - say we've got
it on order and it's coming. Now what was it she wanted?"
"Rain," said the assistant.
A fellow wanted to have his
house renovated, but thought that all the estimates he received were too high.
Finally he consulted an Irish building contractor who came to view his house.
"I'll completely
redecorate your bedroom for £15," said the Irishman.
"Great!" said the
fellow, "all the others wanted at least £100."
At this the Irishman rushed
over to the window and shouted out, "Green side up, green side up!"
"How about the bathroom?"
asked the fellow, "The others wanted at least £250."
"My men and I will do it
for £40." said the Irishman, whereupon he rushed to the window and
shouted, "Green side up, green side up!"
"Well, you seem to be the
man I've been looking for." said the fellow, "Just tell me one thing,
why do you go to the window and shout, 'Green side up, green side up'?"
"That's just technical
information to my workmen," said the Irishman, "They're laying a lawn
next door."
Two Irish women walking through
the forest one day hear a voice coming from near a log."Help me."
They lifted the log and underneath found a frog.
"Help me " said the
frog "I am an investment banker turned into a frog by an evil curse. I
need to be kissed by a woman and I will turn back into an investment
banker."
One of the women grabbed the
frog and stuffed it into her handbag. Aghast, her friend said, "Did you
not hear the frog? He needs to be
returned to being an investment banker."
"Listen", her friend said.
"these days a talking frog is worth a lot more than an investment
banker."
Pat and Mick landed themselves
a job at a sawmill in Ireland. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick!
I lost me finger!"
"How did you do it?"
Mick asked
"I just touched this big
spinning thing here like this... Damn! There goes another one!"
A passerby watched two Kerry
men in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them
in again. "Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you
doing?" "Well," said the digger, "Usually there are three
of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is
off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?"
For many years Kate Murphy had run the fruit
and vegetable stall in the town market and she'd learned to have an answer for
any situation. So there she stood, watching the big Russian who was poking
around the stall. 'Hey, what are these?' he asked. 'Apples,' said Kate.
'Apples?' laughed the Russian. 'Why, in Russia we have apples twice that size!
And what are these?' "Those are potatoes,' said Kate. 'Potatoes? Where I
come from, bragged the Russian, our potatoes are twice as big at least,' Just
then he picked up a cabbage, but before he could speak Kate said: 'If you're
not buying Brussels sprouts, you'd best be putting that down.'
One morning at the bargaining
table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the
Cork Examiner. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick
yesterday!" There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The
silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator."Jaysus," he
said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
A man walked into the lingerie department of
Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to
buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." What type of bra? asked the
clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that
you'd know what she meant." "Ah yes, now I remember" said the
saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the
Catholic type, the Salvation Army type
or the Presbyterian type."Confused the man asked, "What's the
difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite
simple; the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up
the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then
there's the Baptist type." "What does that do?" asked the man.
She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."
A wealthy couple from England
were touring Ireland and found themselves in a tiny rural village at lunchtime.
The only place serving food was a somewhat rustic looking cafe which in their
opinion, had seen better days. Having no other choice, they carefully stepped
over the pooch snoozing on the threshold and went inside. As they sat down, the
husband frowned as he brushed some crumbs from his chair and his wife did
likewise as she wiped the table with her napkin.
The waitress came over and
asked if they would like to see a menu.
"No thanks," said the husband.
"I'll just have a cup of tea with cream and sugar."I'll have the
same", his wife said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress smiled and marched off into the
kitchen. A few minutes later, she was back."Two cups of tea," she
announced in her lovely lilting Irish brogue..."And which one of you was
it who wanted the clean cup?"
Planes and Trains
Paddy calls Easy Jet to book a
flight. The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?” Paddy replies
“I don’t know! It’s your airline!”
Two Indians and an Irishman
were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a
hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an
answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran
into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and
asked the remaining Indian what it was all about."Was the other Indian
crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It
is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it
means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon
another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the
answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off
his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in
the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in
amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Look at the
size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be
some really fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the
opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard
an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a
smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read “NAKED IRISHMAN RUN
OVER BY TRAIN”
After the plane was airborne,
drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for an Irish whiskey. The attendant
placed the drink on his tray and then asked the priest if he would like a
drink. He replied in disgust," I'd rather be savagely ravaged by brazen
hussies than let alcohol touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his
drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a
choice!"
“Ireland’s worst air disaster
occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery.”...Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.......
The roof comes off! Mick says
to Paddy, "If this plane turns upside down will we fall
out??""No way Mick" says Paddy, "we'll still be best
friends."
Sex
An Irish man goes into the
restroom and at the urinal next to him is a Leprechaun. Wow, he thinks to
himself, a Leprechaun! The Leprechaun
tells him he can give him three wishes, but only if the man agrees to be
sodomized in the bathroom first. Thinking of the great good he could do with
his wishes, the Irish man agrees. As the Leprechaun has the Irish man bent over
in the stall he asks him how old he is. "43", replies the Irish man
amidst his groans of pain. Then the Leprechaun asks him what he does for a
living, "I'm a lawyer", cries the Irish man. Then the Leprechaun asks
the man if he's married. "Yes, I'm married with 3 children", answers
the Irish man. As the Leprechaun finishes his task at hand he says to the man,
"Let me get this straight. You're 43 years old, a lawyer, you're married
with 3 children and you STILL believe in Leprechauns?"
A young Irish lass was walking
toward the confessional when she noticed her friend washing her hands in a
basin. Curious she asked "Why be ya washing your hands in the basin?"
To which her friend answered "Well I confessed I'd been pleasurin' me
boyfriend with me hand last night and now I have to wash it 10 times in the
holy water". "Well please try not get the water too dirty..."
said the first. "And why not?" asked her friend. "Well"
said the first, "After me confession I think I might be gargling with
it!"
An Irish daughter had not been
home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this
time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?”
“Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”
The girl, crying, replied,
“Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye
shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad-- as ye wish.”
“I just came back to give mum
this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate.”
“For me little brother, this
gold Rolex.”
“And for ye Daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
membership to the country club.............. (takes a breath)............. and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the
Riviera and.....”
“Now what was it ye said ye had
become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff,
sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me
half to death, girl!” “I thought ye said a Protestant, come here and give yer
old Dad a hug.”
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland
arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand
Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t
mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’. With that, she
stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’ As the dice came to a stop, she jumped
up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’ She hugged each of the dealers and then
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each
other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t
know - I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not
all blondes are dumb, but all men…are men.
Sports
Costigan from Cork was marooned
on a desert island where he was looked after by a beautiful native girl. On the
first night she gave him exotic drinks. On the second night she gave him the
most delicious food. On the third night she said to him coyly "Would you
like to play a little game with me?" "Don't tell me," he says,
"you have hurling here as well?"
One day an Irishman, who had
been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the
horizon. Suddenly there strode from the
surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask
and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde. She
walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it
been since you’ve had a good cigar?’
‘Ten years,’ replied the amazed
Irishman.
With that, she reached over and
unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a
fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it,
and took a long drag. ‘Faith and begorrah,’ said the castaway, ‘that is so
good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!’
‘And how long has it been since
you’ve had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?’ asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway
replied, ‘Ten years.’
Hearing that, the blonde
reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask
and handed it to him and he took a long happy drink.
Then the woman started to
slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked
at the trembling man and asked, ‘And how long has it been since you’ve played
around?’
With tears in his eyes, the
Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me
that you’ve got golf clubs in there too?’
The concierge at a posh resort
was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked
in after a long flight came by and asked where the lift was. "Go down the
hill," he told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the
block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked
even more exhausted until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from
Ireland," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
A Kerryman was playing Trivial
Pursuit. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on "Science &
Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
Irish Wild Life
An American tourist was driving
in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate
the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the
carburetor."
He turned around and only saw
an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not
working."
The American nearly died with
fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy
the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't
pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
In Killarney, an American
tourist sees a sign in front of a farmhouse: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the farmer tells him the dog is around the back. The
tourist goes behind the house and sees a black mutt just sitting there
"You talk?" he asks.
"Indeed." the dog
replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was very young and I wanted
to be of help to humanity, so I told Interpol about my gift; in no time they
had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with world leaders,
because no one would believe a dog would be listening. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and eavesdropping. I uncovered some very shady dealings there and
was awarded a ton of medals. Then I settled down, had a wife, a dozen or so
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The tourist is amazed. He goes
back and asks the farmer what he wants for the dog. The farmer says, "Ten
Euros, sir."
The tourist sputters, "But
that dog is incredible. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" The
farmer shrugs and says "Ah well, sir, you, see, isn't he just the biggest
liar this side of Croagh Patrick? He's done none of what he told ye."
Man wakes up in the morning, sees a gorilla in
the tree outside his window.
Calls up the zoo. "I got
your gorilla in the tree outside my window."
Zoo says, "Okay, we'll
send a man right over."
Man says, "Waitaminit!
Waitaminit! That's a big gorilla! It's gonna take more than one man to get it
outta the tree!"
Comes a knock on the door. It’s
five foot Murphy from the zoo. Murphy says, "Okay, Boy-ho. Here's our
plan."
Man says, "Waitaminit!
Waitaminit! What do you mean--our plan? That's your gorilla, you get it out of
the tree."
Little Murphy from the zoo
says, "Don't worry, Boy-ho. You got the easy part. You stay on the ground.
I got the hard part. I climb up in the tree. Okay. I got a shotgun, a broom
handle, a savage Dalmatian dog, and a pair of handcuffs. I climb up in the
tree, I push the gorilla out with
the broom handle. The gorilla
hits the ground. The dog runs over and bites the gorilla on the balls. The
gorilla screams and throws his hands up in the air. You run over, slap on the
cuffs, and I take him back to the zoo."
"Waitaminit!
Waitaminit!" the man says. "What's the shotgun for?"
"Listen, Boy-ho. If I fall
out of the tree instead of that gorilla, shoot the dog!"
A Kerry man went for a job at
the local stables and the farmer said "Can you shoe horses?" The
Kerry man thinks for a minute and then says "No, but I once told a donkey
to get lost."
First Irish Farmer: “My cow
fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”
Second Irish Farmer: “Did you
shoot it in the hole?”
First Irish Farmer:” Nope…in
the head.”
Three tortoises, Paddy, Jim and
Geoff go for a picnic ten miles from where they live it takes them ten days to
get there. When they arrive they find they’ve forgotten the bottle opener. Jim
and Geoff ask paddy to fetch it. Paddy says “Hell no, by I get back you’d have
eaten all the sandwiches.” Jim and Geoff promise not to eat the sandwiches so
Paddy agrees to go. Ten days pass and paddy has not returned twenty days pass
and he’s still not returned. Jim and Geoff are starving but keep their promise
not to eat the sandwiches. Twenty days pass and they say the hell with it we
are going to starve if we don’t eat. They start to eat the sandwiches and paddy
jumps from behind a rock and shouts "I knew it! You bastards wouldn’t
wait, I’m not going now"
Q and A
Q: How many Irishmen does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb,
one to screw it in, and one to say how grand the old one was.
Q: How many Irishmen does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 11 - One to hold the light
bulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins
Q: Where does an Irish family
go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: How do you sink an Irish
submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Anglo-Irish Relations
An old handicapped man lived in
the countryside of Northern Ireland and had only one relative, a son. The son
was in prison for revolutionary activities.
The father wrote the son. “Now that you’re in prison, I have no one to
dig up my garden. How can I plant my potatoes if I can’t dig up my garden?”
The son wrote back: “Don’t dig
up the garden; that’s where I’ve buried all the guns.”
The next day a troop of British
soldiers descended on the farm and turned up all the soil. When they found
nothing, the old man was confused. He wrote his son: “What’s going on? There
were no guns.”
The son wrote back: “Just plant
your potatoes.”
Two Irish guys are making
letter bombs.
Pat say's "Do you think I
have put enough explosives in this envelope?"
"Dunno" says Mick
"open it and see"
"But it will explode"
says Pat
Mick says "Don’t be effing
stupid......it's not addressed to you"
In London a homeless Irishman walks up to a proper
Englishman and asks for some spare change.
The Englishman says "Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Shakespeare."
The Irishman man says, "Fuck you. Brendan
Behan"
An Irishman and an Englishman
are hunting out in the woods when the Englishman falls to the ground. He
doesn’t seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The
Irishman whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:
“My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice
says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There
is a silence, a shot is heard. The man’s voice comes back on the line. He says:
“OK, now what?”
A boastful Englishman said to
an Irishman "take away your friendliness, your wit, your charm and your
good looks, your mountains, glens & lochs what have you got?"
"England" replied the
Irishman.
One day a priest was walking in
Dublin, and he encountered a Protestant minister. They chatted for a while and
then the minister invited the priest to his home for a cup of tea. When they
got to the minister’s home, the priest noticed how shabby the outside was.
Inside, the priest noticed how run down the place seemed to be. Then the
minister introduced the priest to his wife.
“Father O’Neill,” said the
minister, “I’d like you to meet my better half.”
And so the minister’s missus
then made them tea.
A few days later, the two
clergymen met each other again. This time, they went to the priest’s rectory,
which was a fancy well-appointed Georgian mansion. The minister was very
impressed. The priest led him to the kitchen where he began to make the tea.
The kitchen, too, was set up with all the modern conveniences. Finally the
minister commented on the wonderful housing the priest had.
“Well,” said Father O’Neill,
“Here in Ireland, the Protestant ministers have the better halves, but the
Catholic priests have the better quarters.”
Officer Murphy was called upon
to talk down a suicidal jumper on the seventh floor ledge of the Copley Plaza.
Murphy arrives and sticks his
head out the window to grab the attention of the jumper.
“Don’t jump. For the love of
your parents, don’t jump.”
The young man says, “Actually,
I’m an orphan.”
“Okay,” says Murphy. “Don’t
jump for the love of your wife or girlfriend.”
“I have neither a wife nor a
girlfriend,” says the jumper.
“Okay,” says Murphy, “then
don’t jump for the love of the saints of Ireland.”
The young jumper says, “But I’m
not Irish. I’m British.”
Murphy says, “Jump, you swine,
jump.”
An English builder runs a job
ad in an international trade paper. Three applicants turn up: a Frenchman, a
German and an Irishman. When the builder interviews them he points out that a
basic knowledge of English is essential, especially of terms used in the
building trade, so he has devised a little test. He asks each one of them the
same question: “Can you explain to me the difference between ‘girder’ and
‘joist’?”
The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders,
admitting that he does not understand the terms. The German also admits that he
has no idea.
Before the builder puts the
question to the Irishman, he says “I know you speak English, but in the
interests of equal treatment I have to ask you the same question as the other
two: “What is the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Irishman replies, “Sure,
everyone knows that. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.”
Paddy was in New York. He was
patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The
cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd
allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood
on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?'
Seamus O'Brien had been hailed
as the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. It was suggested by
the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind
Championships. He did, and won a place. On the evening of the competition, Seamus
walks on stage, sits down and makes himself comfortable. The lights dim and a
spotlight shines on his face. Magnus, the emcee, proceeds: "Seamus, what
subject are you studying?" Seamus responds, "Irish history".
"Very well," says Magnus, "your first question - in what year
did the 'Easter Rising take place?" "Pass," says Seamus.
"Okay," says Magnus, "Who was the leader of the Easter
Rising?" Seamus responds, "Pass."
"Well then," says
Magnus, "how long did the Easter Rising last?"
Again, Seamus responds,
"Pass."
Instantly, a voice from the
audience shouts out: "Good man, Seamus - tell the English nothing..."
A woman goes to the post office
to stock up on stamps. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 stamps
please? The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says,
"God bless us, has it come to that? I'll have 18 Protestants, and 32
Catholics."
The Biddies
An Irish lady goes to the bar
on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender
gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th
birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's
your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
"Well, thank you kindly,
sir" says she.
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to
her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank
you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming
up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left
says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank
you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."
"Coming right up,"
the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying
of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when
you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water,
however, is another matter entirely."
Two lovely old biddies had been
friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting
a few times a week for a cup of tea and a natter. One day they were sipping
their tea when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't go getting upset
with me...I know we've been pals for a long time.....but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what your name is. For at least three minutes her friend just stared. At last,
she said, "How soon do you need to know?
The man from the window company called Miss
O'Leary on the telephone. "Miss O'Leary, he says, you haven't made a
single payment on your new windows. Is there something the matter?"
Bristling with annoyance, Miss O'Leary replies. "I may be up in years, but
I still have my wits about me. Wasn't your man after telling me those windows
would pay for themselves in a year?"
While impatiently waiting for a
table in a restaurant, Miss O'Leary says to Mrs. Clancy, "If they weren't
so crowded in here all the time, they'd do a lot more business
The Drink
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but
didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering
sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I
have an idea."
He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you
crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't
worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've
lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any
money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile.
"Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went
berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after
pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free..
At the tenth pub Shamus said
"Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees
are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you
think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".
There is an international beer
conference. After a full day of meetings and workshops, three beer
representatives go out for a drink. The waiter asks the Miller rep what he
wants. He say, “Give me a Miller High Life.”
The waiter asks the Budweiser
rep what he wants. He says, “Give me a Bud Lite.”
Then the waiter asks the Guinness
rep what he wants. “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”
When the waiter leaves, the two
reps ask the Guinness guy why he ordered a Coke.
“Well,” says the Irishman, “I
thought I’d avoid a beer since neither of you was having one.”
Recently a routine police
patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town.
After last call, the officer
noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely
walk.
The man stumbled around the car
park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity,
in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find
his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’
vehicles left.
At last, when his when his was
the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the
road The police officer, having waited
patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing
lights and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the
breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at
all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.’
‘I doubt it,’ said Paddy ,
truly proud of himself. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy!
Patrick goes into a bar, sees a
sign that states “All you can drink $10” and says “I'll take two!”
I'm so excited. I've just made
up my very own Irish joke. It goes like this: An Irish man walks OUT of a bar.
There’s this new Irish
restaurant being built in downtown Boston. They’re going to serve 7-course
gourmet Irish meals. Everyone coming in the door gets a potato and a six pack…
Paddy and Mike had a bit to
drink and were bringing their Irish Air passenger plane into land at the
airport when they noticed the runway was ridiculously short.
Mike announced over the com to
the passengers to hold on and expect a bumpy landing.
Somehow they made the landing
okay. Paddy sweating from the tension exclaimed "Mike, can you believe how
short this runway is?"
Mike replied "I know! And
look how wide it is!"
Sean got home in the early
hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as
he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the
saints, what are you doing down there?"She shouted from the bedroom.
"Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbors." "I'm
trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down. "I can't"
says he, "I've drank it!"
Three Irishman are drinking at
a bar. He first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s
a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The second then starts: “That
sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called
Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another
drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”
Then the third pipes up. “You
think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At
Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they
buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you
laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That
sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend,
“but it happened to my sister!”
Two men walked into a pub late
one afternoon and noticed that, among the few customers, was one individual
sitting quietly at the end of the bar. The two ordered some beers. The
bartender brought them and said, "That will be 50p please."
They put it on the slate and a
short time later ordered two more beers; again they were charged 25p each. The
two could not believe the price and after having a third beer for the same
amount, they decided to ask the bartender what the catch was.
The bartender replied,
"There is no catch, gentlemen. I have just started brewing this beer on
the premises and I'm selling it below cost to introduce it to my customers. I'm
happy to see you're enjoying it."
Indeed, they noticed that
almost everyone was enjoying the beer and the remarkable price except for the
one man at the end of the bar. He had not ordered anything since the two came
in. Becoming very curious about this individual, the two asked the bartender,
"Doesn't he ever order anything?"
"Oh yes," said the
bartender. "That's Patrick Curran, our local accountant. He's waiting for
happy hour."
Pat and Mike are drinking in
the done-up version of their local pub, The Continental Bistro and Bar in the
Ballybegorrah Arms Hotel, Killarney. They take in the no-sawdust on the new
Italian tile floor; the hi-back red leather bar stools; the bowls of free black
olives, cashew nuts and tasty "tapas" on the shiny, black, two inch
thick, granite counter.
"Ye know", Pat,"
says Mike, "it's all brilliant, but I miss the auld spittoon."
Pat takes his pipe from his
mouth, sips his pint, then says, "You always did, me auld friend. You
always did."
Father Murphy walked into a bar
and went up to the first man her found and asked
“Do you want to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand
over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the
second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man
replied.
'Then stand over there against
the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to
O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't
Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't
believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die,
yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
A man walked into a Dublin bar
and saw a friend sitting with an empty glass. 'Paddy can I buy you another', he
asked, to which Paddy replied - 'now what would I be wanting with another empty
glass?'"
An Irishman walks into a bar in
Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to
the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. I think your drinks would
taste better if you bought them one at a time."
The Irishman replies,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in
Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd
drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each
o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a
moment, then light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's
just fine," he explains. "It's just that me wife had us join a new
Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though.
A woman and a man driver are
involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt -
though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the
wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the
woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: ‘That’s incredible - both our cars
are demolished but we’re fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to
be together!’
Sensing a promise, the man
stammers back, ‘Oh yes, I agree with you completely!’
The woman goes on, ‘And look,
though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must
be another sign. Let’s drink to our love!’
‘Well, OK!’ says the man, going
with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it
back.
‘Your turn,’ says the man.
‘No, thanks,’ says the woman,
‘I think I’ll just wait for the police.’
McQuillan walked into a bar and
ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them
in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he
started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” he replied, “my wife
just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
The priest met him one day, and
gave him a strong lecture about drink, hoping to scare the bejeezus out of him.
He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller
and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the
life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife,
"Bridget.... if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye
kill that blasted cat?"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in
a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the
reply.
The first man then asks: “Where
are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the
second man.
The first man responds: “You
don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second
man.
Curious, the first man then
asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the
first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second
man.
Curiosity again strikes and the
first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the
second man. “I graduated in ‘62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the
first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time in comes one of
the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the
bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the
bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
Paddy had been drinking at his
local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender, finally says, “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy.”
Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way
then.”Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face.“Shoite,” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again, “Shoite,
Shoite!”
He looks to the doorway and thinks to
himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his
head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better, and takes
a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.“Bi’Jesus…. I’m fockin
‘ focked,” he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down,
and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and
goes inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, “No fockin’ way.” He
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says. “I can make it to the bed.”
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says “Fock it” and falls
into bed.
The next morning, his wife,
Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?”
Paddy says, “I did, Jess. I was
fockin’ pissed. But how did you know?”
“Mick phoned… you left your
wheelchair at the pub.”
Sally was driving home from one
of her business trips in Northern Ireland when she saw an elderly woman walking
on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the
car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and
while resuming the journey the woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally. What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown
bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband." The
woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder
she said: "Good trade."
Paddy & his wife are lying
in bed and the neighbor’s dog is barking like mad in the next door garden.
Paddy says “To hell with this!” and storms off. He returns five minutes later
and the dog is still barking and his wife asks “What did you do?” Paddy replies
“I’ve put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!”
In Boston, a man comes home early and finds
Murphy naked, hiding behind the shower curtain.
"What are you doing in
there?"
"Voting." Murphy
says
After just a few years of
marriage filled with constant bickering, the Kerry couple decided the only way
to save their marriage was to try counseling. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his
long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90
miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15
minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up
by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards,
the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who
stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS
that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
stopped here
=====================================================================
An elderly Kerry couple is
sitting together watching television. During a commercial about Viagra, the
husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence (and during the next commercial), the wife
replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas
card from them this year.
Walking into the bar, Mike said
to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with
the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And
how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike
replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now
that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under
the bed, you little chicken.'
An elderly woman in Dublin died
last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her
handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when
I'm dead."
The parish priest stops Brian
on the street and asks how he managed to get so drunk the night before.
“Well, Father,” says Brian. “I
won a bottle of whiskey in a raffle, and then I fell in with some bad company.”
“Bad company? Weren’t you with
Jim Murphy, Aedan Clark, and Sean Joyce?”
“Yes, father. Bad company.”
“Brian, not one of those men
drinks.”
“Yes, father. That’s what I
mean. Bad company.”
Mickey was a young man from
Kerry who only recently had developed a large taste for the drink. After a few
nights of carousing, he was stopped on the street by the priest.
“Don’t you know, Mickey, you
should stop the drinking? If you continue, you’ll get smaller and smaller and
smaller until you turn into a mouse.” This story frightened the superstitious
Irishman. He went home to his Mother and said, “Hey, ma, if you notice me
gettin’ smaller and smaller, will you kill the farkin cat!”
Donavan, while visiting Italy,
met a sailor from Venice. Before long they found themselves in a tavern. After
several hours of heavy drinking the Italian finally slid under the table. The
Irishman staggered to his feet and announced, ”I’m the first guy who ever drank
a Venetian blind!”
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy
and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick
developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his
buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked
to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've
been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request
fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears,
"Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a
box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the
year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want
you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and
I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the
beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked,
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But,
might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Actual Personal ad from the
Dublin News: ”Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous woman interested in a
man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting
fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning”
The Faith
A man was brought to Mercy
Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well
and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of
Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. O'Toole, you're going to be just
fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any
insurance," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?"
asked the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close
relatives?" the nun persisted. "Just my sister in America" he
volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you,
Mr. O'Toole. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said O'Toole. "In that case, please send the bill
to my brother-in-law."
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods,
totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and
is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk shouts, ‘Yes, oi am.’
So the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the
drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, oi
haven’t found Jesus.’
The preacher shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the
water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus me brother?’
The drunk again answers, ‘No,
oi I haven’t found Jesus.’
By this time the preacher is at
his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again —
But this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him
up.
The preacher again asks the
drunk, ‘For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?’
The Drunk wipes his eyes and
catches his breath and says to the preacher ‘Are ya sure dis is where he fell
in?’
A couple had two little boys,
ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their village,
their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that the local vicar
had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys. The vicar agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning; with the older boy to see the
vicar in the afternoon. The vicar, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's
mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth
hanging open, wide eyed. So the vicar repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So
the vicar raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!!!!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dived into a cupboard, slamming the door behind
him. When his older brother found him in the cupboard , he asked, "What
happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are
in BIG trouble this time. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"
A 54 year old Irish women woman
had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital in Dublin. While on the
operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my
time up?”
God said, “No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman
decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast
implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair
color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time
to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last
operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on
her way home, she was killed by an ambulance..
Arriving in front of God, she
demanded, ”I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn’t you pull me
from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied:
“I didn’t recognize you!”
Gallagher opened the morning
newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked
Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied
Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
============================================
Father Murphy went out one
Saturday to visit his parishioners. At one house it was obvious that someone
was home, but nobody came to the door even though the priest had knocked
several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20"
on the back of it, and stuck it in the door: "Behold, I stand at the door
and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him
and dine with him and him with me."
The next day, the card turned
up in the collection plate. Below Father Murphy's message was the notation
"Genesis 3:10": "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself."
A teacher was testing the
children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of
getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a
big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was,
"NO!" By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered,
"NO!"
Bursting with pride for them, the teacher
continued: "So, how can I get into Heaven?"
Five-year-old Sean shouted out,
"You have to be dead."
Three priests went for a ramble
in the country. It was unusually hot for Ireland in September and before too
long, they were sweating profusely. They came upon a small lake and since it
was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few blackberries while enjoying
their "freedom".
As they were crossing an open
area, they saw a group of ladies from the village coming towards them. Unable
to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but
the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got
their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his
face rather than his privates. "I don't know about you two," he
replied, "but in my parish, it's my face they would recognize."
A Catholic priest, a Protestant
minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life
begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is
when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said
the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby
becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn
about sin."
"You're both wrong," said the rabbi.
"Life begins when the children have graduated and moved out of the
house."
Charlie was a regular visitor
at the Galway Races. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before
the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area
and gave it a blessing.
Charlie watched the race very
carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed
the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed
a similar procedure.
Thinking there might be
something to it, Charlie put a couple of Euros on the blessed horse. Sure
enough it came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty Euros! The
priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won
each time. He was now ahead a thousand, so between races Charlie left the
track, went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings.
The biggest race of the day was
the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched which horse he blessed.
He then went to the betting window and put every euro he owned on that horse to
win.
The race began. Down the
stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, Charlie's pick was
last! Devastated, he found the priest and told him that he had been watching
him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse
on which he had bet his life savings.
Charlie then asked, "What
happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the
others?"
"Ye must be a Protestant," sighed
the priest. "The trouble is you can't tell the difference between a
blessing and the last rites."
It's Christmas time and Paddy
and Sean decide to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gather their axe, a sled,
and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them.
When they finally reach a fine
group of trees, Sean brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Sean, this tree
won't do. Let's try another one."
They come upon another nice
tree, Sean brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one,
Paddy?"
"Not quite, Sean. Let's
keep looking."
This goes on until nightfall.
Both Paddy and Sean are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we
do now?"
"Sean, I think we should
take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."
Five Catholic friends were
enjoying a coffee in a bistro after a meal. The first Catholic man tells his
friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps,
“My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic man says,
“My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says,
“My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your
Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman
was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said,
“Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a
daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she
walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God..”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest
said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed
and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing
together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman
left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching,
quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the
poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but
I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting
it in!'
St. Peter has a day-off from
his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst
‘booking-in’ the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems
familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.
“Joseph” is the reply, which
makes Jesus more inquisitive.
“Occupation?” is the next
question, the reply being “Carpenter”.
Jesus is now getting quite
excited.
In quite a state Jesus asks
“Did you have a little boy?”, the answer is “yes”.
“Did he have holes in his
wrists and ankles?” asks Jesus,
Yes” comes the reply.
Jesus looks at the old man in
front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts “FATHER, FATHER”
The old man looks puzzled and
after a moment replies…. “Pinocchio?”
A mother was preparing pancakes
for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to squabble over who would
get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A minister was completing a
temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater
emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it
into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The choir director
stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection,
let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
A priest and a nun are on their
way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until
morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room
available.
The priest says: "Sister,
I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one
room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be
fine," agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some
prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun
says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the
priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and
the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't
worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then
the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says
the priest. "Get your own blankets."
The first priest says,
"You know, since the warm weather started, I've been having trouble with
mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, cats, spray, nothing seems to
scare them away." The second priest says, "My church, too. There are
hundreds of them living in the cellar. I've set traps and even called in an
expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far." The third priest says,
"I had the same problem. So I baptized them all and made them members of
my parish. Haven't seen one of them since."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the
Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a lad dressed in sunglasses, loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the lad: "Who are you, so that I
may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The fellah replies, "I'm
Johnny O'Rourke, taxi-driver, Brooklyn, New York." Saint Peter consults
his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe
and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes
into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands
erect and booms out, "I am Phillip Smith, pastor of Saint Mary's for the
last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven."
"Just a minute," says
the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and
golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by
results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while
he drove, people prayed."
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and
Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to
Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Turn the windshield
wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them
on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
Sister Marilyn turned on the
windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister
Marilyn.
"Show him your
cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking,"
says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off
our car!"
Three Irish ladies were talking
one sunny day in June.
The first lady said, "I
was cleaning in Father's Murphy’s room the other day and do you know what I
found? A bottle of whiskey and a bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?"
the other lady asked.
"Well, of course I threw
the whiskey and the whore magazines in the trash," she replied.
The second lady said,
"Well, I can top that. I was in Father's Murphy’s room putting away the
laundry and I found a box of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the
other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of
them!" she replied.
The Third lady fainted.
Miss O'Leary, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all. The parish priest came to call on her one afternoon early in
the spring, and she welcomed him into her little cottage. She invited him to
have a seat while she made the tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the
priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine
his curiosity! Surely Miss O'Leary had lost her senses! When she returned with
the tea and scones, they began to chat. The priest tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its unusual contents, but soon it got the
better of him; he could resist no longer.
“Miss O'Leary," he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes, Father,"
she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking in the village last
October and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...
I haven't had a cold all winter.
The wise old Mother Superior
from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to
make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused
it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of
Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened
and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother
Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a
little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the
last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom
before you die.” She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and
said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
While redecorating a church, three nuns become
extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's
take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove,
and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says,
"Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip
down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at
the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the
door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's
voice comes back. So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns
to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these
blinds?"
Green Genies
Two Irishmen, Patrick and
Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat, following a dramatic escape from a burning
freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions. Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the
lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This
particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought to it, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the whole ocean into Guinness Beer."
The genie clapped his hands
with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals, simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as two men
considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose
wish had been granted. After a long, tension- filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going, Patrick. Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
An Irishman, an Englishman and
a Scotsman are marooned on a desert island. One day they find a curious lamp on
the shore. When they rub the lamp a genie appears. He is so grateful for his
release, he offers the group 3 wishes. The Englishman wishes to be back in his
local pub in Essex. Whoosh - he’s gone. The Scotsman wants to be having a pint
with his mates in Glasgow. Whoosh - he’s gone. The Irishman looks dejected.
‘What’s the matter?’ asks the genie. "Sure it’s awful lonely here without
my two friends. I wish they were still here." And whoosh - they were.
An Irish man, English man and a
Scottish man are walking along a beach when they find a lamp. The Scot picks it
up, rubs it and out pops a Genie. Seeing as how there is 3 of them the Genie
gives them only 1 wish each.
The scot says 'ok, I want
enough money to keep me happy for the rest of my life, so the Genie snaps his
fingers and the Scots man has an unlimited bank balance.
The English man says, 'I'm sick
of all the foreign bastards coming into my country and taking our women and
jobs, I want you to put a big frecking wall around England to no foreign
bastards can ever enter England again.
So the Genie snaps his fingers
and a wall 1000ft high and 250 ft thick springs up around the whole of England.
Nothing can get in or out again.
The Irish man says to the
Genie, are you sure that wall around England is strong and NOTHING can escape?
The Genie replies, 'absolutely, nothing will escape'. So the Irish man replies
'ok then, fill the fuck’n thing up with water'.
To Your Health
Mrs. O'Leary went to the
doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new physicians. After about 4
minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down
the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she
told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another
room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Leary is 72
years old, she has seven grown children and ten grandchildren, and you told her
she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and
without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Maureen, a gorgeous young
redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she
touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The
redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she
pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says,
"I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the
doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
“I hear Murphy died,” said Pat.
“Was he ill long?”“No,” said Mick. “He died in the best of health.”
Marriage
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into
the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly
newsman that it was dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad
about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the
fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete
died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give
her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote
the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"
Mary Clancy goes up to Father
O’ Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering
you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got
terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary,
that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did,
Father.” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, He said, ‘Please
Mary, put down that damn gun…’
An Irishman who had a little
too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his
car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the
driver, where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of
course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks
like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk
says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
“That a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the
drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought
I’d gone deaf.”
Two Irish couples decided to
swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of passionate sex Paddy asks “I
wonder how the girls are getting on?”
Paddy takes his new wife to bed
on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and
asks “You know what I want don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy “the whole friggin
bed by the looks of it!”
Attending a wedding for the
first time, a little girl in Dublin whispered to her mother, "Why is the
lady all dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a
moment, then said, "So why is the man wearing black?"
Katie and Moira are old
friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Katie
is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" she complains to Moira.
"What a pity," says Moira. As I get older my husband says I get more
beautiful every day. "All well and good, says Katie, but your husband's an
antique dealer!"
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy
came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she
would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around
the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline & cruise
tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion, 30 years
younger..... Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!
STOPPED HERE
Three men were sitting together
bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic
duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had
told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be
done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a
woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the
third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious
dinner on the. table.
The third man had married an
Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes
washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her
responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
so he could see a little out of his left eye
An Irish woman of advanced age
visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying
Viagra?" asked the Doctor.
"Not a chance", she
said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem,"
replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra
tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she
called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed,
"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What
happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you
advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell
you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?"
asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't
good?"
"Feckin jaysus, 'twas the
best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able
to show me face in Starbucks again!"
A garda pulls over a speeding
car.
He says, "I clocked you at
80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Are you
sure? I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut
for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and
says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it
did." As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a
radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Woman ,didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut!"
The garda frowns and says
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an on
the spot 60 euro fine. "
The driver says, "Well,
you see sir, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I
could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now,
dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear
your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the garda is writing out
the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP"
The garda looks over at the
woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way,
Ma'am?" Smiling sweetly, she replies. Only when he's been drinking,
sir."
The bishop of Dublin gave a
rousing speech on the virtues of marriage. Afterwards, Mary Healey is leaving
with her friend Peggy Donogue, mothers of a combined total of 17 children.
“The bishop gave a great
sermon,” says Mary.
“Ay,” says Peggy. “Marriage is
a great institution. The bishop said that rightly.”
“Ay, he did do that,” says
Mary, “and I’m thinking I wish I knew as little about the matter as the bishop
does.”
“Yes,” says Peggy, “it was a
good sermon.”
“Yes,” says Mary, “A good
sermon. It might be his best ever.”
Mick met Paddy in the street
and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to
your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'The
whole street was laughing when they saw you
and your missus making love
yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards,
the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'
Sean was a mild-mannered man
who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on
assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his
house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you
to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make
my favorite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished
with that, I expect my favorite whiskey cake for after. Then, you're going to
draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker."
says she.
A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?" Do you remember when I
met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to
tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I
do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car,
making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I
will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she
replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would
have gotten out today."
Paddy was driving down the
street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place
appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said,
'Never mind, I found one.'
A curious fellow died one day
and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he
noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates
into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the
burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire,
Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan
do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he
strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of
Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't
help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them
into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those ...Satan said
with a groan. "They're all from Ireland. They're still too cold and damp
to burn."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been
drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do
I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle
and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Paddy asks his wife "Will you ever take
another man when I die"
"In time, most
probably" she replies
"Will you let him sleep in
our bed?" asks a forlorn Paddy
"Yes, in good time I most
probably would" she soothes him
"Would you let him play my
guitars" enquires a nervous Paddy
"He won’t” replied the
wife "He’s left handed
Finnegin: Me wife has a
terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her
of it.
Sean: What on earth is she
doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to
come home.
Paddy goes to work
Paddy gets a job felling trees
up North. At the end of his first day, the foreman comes to check on his work.
Paddy has felled only one tree. "What the hell’s going on here, Paddy?
Only one tree felled in a day." Paddy says, "This bloody saw’s no
good, boss. Doesn’t cut at all." The boss says, "Here, give us a
try." He starts up the chainsaw. Paddy looks startled. "What’s that
noise, boss?"
The bartender was washing his
glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip
of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the
bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, and the
Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing
Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and
asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the
Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck,
swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, “Barkeep, set me
up a cold one. Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, and the
redneck told him give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he
walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you
are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up
and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and
said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his back
straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the
redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing
disability!”
The Arabs stared over at the
Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the
sky. The Arab got on the phone and
contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy
and asked if he could help.
Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The
Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy
Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000.
"Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching
the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with
four Irishmen inside comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into
the oil field.
The Arabs shouted to no avail,
and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out,
took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The
Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the Oil Rig Fire was Out. The
four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was
rough!".
The Arab, while writing the
check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all
this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I'm going to do
is buy a set of brakes for that truck!!"
Two Irishmen were standing at
the base of a flagpole, looking up. An American walks by and asked them what
they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of
this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The American took out an
adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole
down. The American got a tape measure
out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6
inches and walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that
just like a Yank! We need the height, and he gives us the bloody length.
Two Irishmen working in a
field, Paddy is digging holes. Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes, a woman
who was passing by asked “Why are you digging a hole and the other lad filling
it in?” and Paddy replied 'There's usually three of us, but the lad who plants
the trees phoned in sick today'!
A surgeon and an architect,
both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to
whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from
Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the
architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that
was an architectural job."
"Sure now,"
interrupted the politician, "but wasn't somebody after creating the chaos
first?"
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator
post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same
job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to
take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had
only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and
said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give
the American the job."
"And why would you be
doing that?" Murphy asked "We both got 19 questions correct. This
being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
"We have made our
decision" the manager replied "not on the correct answers, but on the
question you missed."
"And just how would one
incorrect answer be better than the other?" Murphy asked
“Simple.” the manager said “On
question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don’t know.' " “You put
down, "Neither do I."
At every tea-break, Sean, the
hod-carrier was always boasting to his older work-mate, Mike the brick- layer,
that he was the better worker because he was stronger, faster, and younger.
Mike stoically put up with the bragging until one day, he couldn't take it
anymore.
"Well, Sean", he
said, I'll bet a week's wages I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that building that you won't be able to wheel back." Sean laughed
derisively and agreed to the bet. With that, Mike grabbed the handles of the
wheelbarrow and told Sean to get in.
During a recent password audit
at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following
password:"Mickey Minnie Pluto Huey Louie Dewey Donald Washington…When
asked why he had such a long password, he said " O, I was told it had to
be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!"
Two Irish attorneys in Boston
attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in
here!”
The attorneys looked at each
other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Murphy was driving limo in New
York and one day he picks up the Pope at Kennedy airport. The Pope tells the
Murphy “I like these big cars…you mind if I drive?” So Murphy jumps in the back
seat and lets the Pope drive into the city. He gets pulled over by Sullivan the
cop who radios his captain and says “I just pulled over a really important guy."
Captain says, "Who is it?
Mayor?"
Sullivan says, "Bigger than that. He's
got the Pope driving for him."
The store manager, O'Reilly,
heard Maryann his assistant tell a customer, "No, we haven't had any for a
while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
O'Reilly was horrified and ran
over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll have some soon. We placed
an order last week."
Then he took the assistant
aside and said, "Never, never, say we're out of anything - say we've got
it on order and it's coming. Now what was it she wanted?"
"Rain," said the assistant.
A fellow wanted to have his
house renovated, but thought that all the estimates he received were too high.
Finally he consulted an Irish building contractor who came to view his house.
"I'll completely
redecorate your bedroom for £15," said the Irishman.
"Great!" said the
fellow, "all the others wanted at least £100."
At this the Irishman rushed
over to the window and shouted out, "Green side up, green side up!"
"How about the bathroom?"
asked the fellow, "The others wanted at least £250."
"My men and I will do it
for £40." said the Irishman, whereupon he rushed to the window and
shouted, "Green side up, green side up!"
"Well, you seem to be the
man I've been looking for." said the fellow, "Just tell me one thing,
why do you go to the window and shout, 'Green side up, green side up'?"
"That's just technical
information to my workmen," said the Irishman, "They're laying a lawn
next door."
Two Irish women walking through
the forest one day hear a voice coming from near a log."Help me."
They lifted the log and underneath found a frog.
"Help me " said the
frog "I am an investment banker turned into a frog by an evil curse. I
need to be kissed by a woman and I will turn back into an investment
banker."
One of the women grabbed the
frog and stuffed it into her handbag. Aghast, her friend said, "Did you
not hear the frog? He needs to be
returned to being an investment banker."
"Listen", her friend said.
"these days a talking frog is worth a lot more than an investment
banker."
Pat and Mick landed themselves
a job at a sawmill in Ireland. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick!
I lost me finger!"
"How did you do it?"
Mick asked
"I just touched this big
spinning thing here like this... Damn! There goes another one!"
A passerby watched two Kerry
men in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them
in again. "Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you
doing?" "Well," said the digger, "Usually there are three
of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is
off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?"
For many years Kate Murphy had run the fruit
and vegetable stall in the town market and she'd learned to have an answer for
any situation. So there she stood, watching the big Russian who was poking
around the stall. 'Hey, what are these?' he asked. 'Apples,' said Kate.
'Apples?' laughed the Russian. 'Why, in Russia we have apples twice that size!
And what are these?' "Those are potatoes,' said Kate. 'Potatoes? Where I
come from, bragged the Russian, our potatoes are twice as big at least,' Just
then he picked up a cabbage, but before he could speak Kate said: 'If you're
not buying Brussels sprouts, you'd best be putting that down.'
One morning at the bargaining
table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the
Cork Examiner. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick
yesterday!" There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The
silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator."Jaysus," he
said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
A man walked into the lingerie department of
Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to
buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." What type of bra? asked the
clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that
you'd know what she meant." "Ah yes, now I remember" said the
saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the
Catholic type, the Salvation Army type
or the Presbyterian type."Confused the man asked, "What's the
difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite
simple; the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up
the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then
there's the Baptist type." "What does that do?" asked the man.
She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."
A wealthy couple from England
were touring Ireland and found themselves in a tiny rural village at lunchtime.
The only place serving food was a somewhat rustic looking cafe which in their
opinion, had seen better days. Having no other choice, they carefully stepped
over the pooch snoozing on the threshold and went inside. As they sat down, the
husband frowned as he brushed some crumbs from his chair and his wife did
likewise as she wiped the table with her napkin.
The waitress came over and
asked if they would like to see a menu.
"No thanks," said the husband.
"I'll just have a cup of tea with cream and sugar."I'll have the
same", his wife said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress smiled and marched off into the
kitchen. A few minutes later, she was back."Two cups of tea," she
announced in her lovely lilting Irish brogue..."And which one of you was
it who wanted the clean cup?"
Planes and Trains
Paddy calls Easy Jet to book a
flight. The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?” Paddy replies
“I don’t know! It’s your airline!”
Two Indians and an Irishman
were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a
hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an
answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran
into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and
asked the remaining Indian what it was all about."Was the other Indian
crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It
is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it
means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon
another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the
answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off
his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in
the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in
amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Look at the
size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be
some really fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the
opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard
an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a
smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read “NAKED IRISHMAN RUN
OVER BY TRAIN”
After the plane was airborne,
drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for an Irish whiskey. The attendant
placed the drink on his tray and then asked the priest if he would like a
drink. He replied in disgust," I'd rather be savagely ravaged by brazen
hussies than let alcohol touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his
drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a
choice!"
“Ireland’s worst air disaster
occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery.”...Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.......
The roof comes off! Mick says
to Paddy, "If this plane turns upside down will we fall
out??""No way Mick" says Paddy, "we'll still be best
friends."
Sex
An Irish man goes into the
restroom and at the urinal next to him is a Leprechaun. Wow, he thinks to
himself, a Leprechaun! The Leprechaun
tells him he can give him three wishes, but only if the man agrees to be
sodomized in the bathroom first. Thinking of the great good he could do with
his wishes, the Irish man agrees. As the Leprechaun has the Irish man bent over
in the stall he asks him how old he is. "43", replies the Irish man
amidst his groans of pain. Then the Leprechaun asks him what he does for a
living, "I'm a lawyer", cries the Irish man. Then the Leprechaun asks
the man if he's married. "Yes, I'm married with 3 children", answers
the Irish man. As the Leprechaun finishes his task at hand he says to the man,
"Let me get this straight. You're 43 years old, a lawyer, you're married
with 3 children and you STILL believe in Leprechauns?"
A young Irish lass was walking
toward the confessional when she noticed her friend washing her hands in a
basin. Curious she asked "Why be ya washing your hands in the basin?"
To which her friend answered "Well I confessed I'd been pleasurin' me
boyfriend with me hand last night and now I have to wash it 10 times in the
holy water". "Well please try not get the water too dirty..."
said the first. "And why not?" asked her friend. "Well"
said the first, "After me confession I think I might be gargling with
it!"
An Irish daughter had not been
home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this
time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?”
“Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”
The girl, crying, replied,
“Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye
shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad-- as ye wish.”
“I just came back to give mum
this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate.”
“For me little brother, this
gold Rolex.”
“And for ye Daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
membership to the country club.............. (takes a breath)............. and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the
Riviera and.....”
“Now what was it ye said ye had
become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff,
sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me
half to death, girl!” “I thought ye said a Protestant, come here and give yer
old Dad a hug.”
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland
arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand
Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t
mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’. With that, she
stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’ As the dice came to a stop, she jumped
up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’ She hugged each of the dealers and then
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each
other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t
know - I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not
all blondes are dumb, but all men…are men.
Sports
Costigan from Cork was marooned
on a desert island where he was looked after by a beautiful native girl. On the
first night she gave him exotic drinks. On the second night she gave him the
most delicious food. On the third night she said to him coyly "Would you
like to play a little game with me?" "Don't tell me," he says,
"you have hurling here as well?"
One day an Irishman, who had
been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the
horizon. Suddenly there strode from the
surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask
and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde. She
walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it
been since you’ve had a good cigar?’
‘Ten years,’ replied the amazed
Irishman.
With that, she reached over and
unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a
fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it,
and took a long drag. ‘Faith and begorrah,’ said the castaway, ‘that is so
good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!’
‘And how long has it been since
you’ve had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?’ asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway
replied, ‘Ten years.’
Hearing that, the blonde
reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask
and handed it to him and he took a long happy drink.
Then the woman started to
slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked
at the trembling man and asked, ‘And how long has it been since you’ve played
around?’
With tears in his eyes, the
Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me
that you’ve got golf clubs in there too?’
The concierge at a posh resort
was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked
in after a long flight came by and asked where the lift was. "Go down the
hill," he told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the
block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked
even more exhausted until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from
Ireland," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
A Kerryman was playing Trivial
Pursuit. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on "Science &
Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
Irish Wild Life
An American tourist was driving
in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate
the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the
carburetor."
He turned around and only saw
an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not
working."
The American nearly died with
fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy
the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't
pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
In Killarney, an American
tourist sees a sign in front of a farmhouse: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the farmer tells him the dog is around the back. The
tourist goes behind the house and sees a black mutt just sitting there
"You talk?" he asks.
"Indeed." the dog
replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was very young and I wanted
to be of help to humanity, so I told Interpol about my gift; in no time they
had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with world leaders,
because no one would believe a dog would be listening. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and eavesdropping. I uncovered some very shady dealings there and
was awarded a ton of medals. Then I settled down, had a wife, a dozen or so
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The tourist is amazed. He goes
back and asks the farmer what he wants for the dog. The farmer says, "Ten
Euros, sir."
The tourist sputters, "But
that dog is incredible. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" The
farmer shrugs and says "Ah well, sir, you, see, isn't he just the biggest
liar this side of Croagh Patrick? He's done none of what he told ye."
Man wakes up in the morning, sees a gorilla in
the tree outside his window.
Calls up the zoo. "I got
your gorilla in the tree outside my window."
Zoo says, "Okay, we'll
send a man right over."
Man says, "Waitaminit!
Waitaminit! That's a big gorilla! It's gonna take more than one man to get it
outta the tree!"
Comes a knock on the door. It’s
five foot Murphy from the zoo. Murphy says, "Okay, Boy-ho. Here's our
plan."
Man says, "Waitaminit!
Waitaminit! What do you mean--our plan? That's your gorilla, you get it out of
the tree."
Little Murphy from the zoo
says, "Don't worry, Boy-ho. You got the easy part. You stay on the ground.
I got the hard part. I climb up in the tree. Okay. I got a shotgun, a broom
handle, a savage Dalmatian dog, and a pair of handcuffs. I climb up in the
tree, I push the gorilla out with
the broom handle. The gorilla
hits the ground. The dog runs over and bites the gorilla on the balls. The
gorilla screams and throws his hands up in the air. You run over, slap on the
cuffs, and I take him back to the zoo."
"Waitaminit!
Waitaminit!" the man says. "What's the shotgun for?"
"Listen, Boy-ho. If I fall
out of the tree instead of that gorilla, shoot the dog!"
A Kerry man went for a job at
the local stables and the farmer said "Can you shoe horses?" The
Kerry man thinks for a minute and then says "No, but I once told a donkey
to get lost."
First Irish Farmer: “My cow
fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”
Second Irish Farmer: “Did you
shoot it in the hole?”
First Irish Farmer:” Nope…in
the head.”
Three tortoises, Paddy, Jim and
Geoff go for a picnic ten miles from where they live it takes them ten days to
get there. When they arrive they find they’ve forgotten the bottle opener. Jim
and Geoff ask paddy to fetch it. Paddy says “Hell no, by I get back you’d have
eaten all the sandwiches.” Jim and Geoff promise not to eat the sandwiches so
Paddy agrees to go. Ten days pass and paddy has not returned twenty days pass
and he’s still not returned. Jim and Geoff are starving but keep their promise
not to eat the sandwiches. Twenty days pass and they say the hell with it we
are going to starve if we don’t eat. They start to eat the sandwiches and paddy
jumps from behind a rock and shouts "I knew it! You bastards wouldn’t
wait, I’m not going now"
Q and A
Q: How many Irishmen does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb,
one to screw it in, and one to say how grand the old one was.
Q: How many Irishmen does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 11 - One to hold the light
bulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins
Q: Where does an Irish family
go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: How do you sink an Irish
submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.